I know the title of this post has got you wondering! The whale that my Jonah was in would be yours truly :)...I thought it was a pretty good title, considering! Moving on...
This is the last picture of me and Jonah together. This was taken one week to the day that I met my sweet Jonah, even though he was sleeping:
When I look at this picture, I see me - as carefree and as happy as I ever remember being. I remember that even to this point, I couldn't believe that me and Aaron were going to have a baby! I couldn't believe that my stomach was going to get bigger than what it already was.
When I look at this picture, I can't help but think that the girl in this picture, she is naive. Naive like I wish I could be now. But, I know that I will never get to be this girl again, try as I may. For the rest of my days, I will be careful, always thinking that something is going to happen or something is going to surprise me...and not in a good way.
When I look at this picture, I can't help but wonder if Jonah was still with me even in the instance that the picture was taken. The day before he had been. Oh yes, his heart was beating at 150 beats per minute...and we thought he was doing great. It haunts me...the thought that maybe even in this "last" picture, Jonah's heart might have already stopped beating. I look at Jonah's picture, the one the nurses took at the hospital, and I try to decide how long it probably was that Jonah's heart did not beat before I delivered him. I know I will never figure that out, and I know that I am not a doctor or scientist or anything, so how should I know....but I wonder...
I wonder why such a heavy burden to bear, yet added to it is the lack of understanding from others...which makes this load all the more hard to handle. I mean, it IS enough that I must bear the loss of my precious Jonah Bentley...so why should I feel like no one "gets" that I will never be over him, considering how hard this is anyways? It is pure torture...it is cruel and unfathomable.
Anyways, I watched a movie with Aaron today, We Bought A Zoo, and it was pretty good. I will leave you with this:
Benjamin Mee (referring to his wife, who died): What I figured out is that when you love somebody that much, that hard, that long, you can never get away from them, no matter where you go. And that only comes once in a lifetime. Just can't get a......handle on it. I cannot let go.
Oh Jonah...these are my thoughts exactly, sweet boy :)...
