The Madness Has Returned

I have been doing pretty good these last couple of weeks. I've surprised myself. Maybe it is because I have been busy calling lawyers and my insurance company. But, like I figured it would, the madness has creeped back in. The sadness never goes away, but the madness of it all had kind of stopped for a couple of weeks. It is crazy how one little comment can bring it all back. So today I have been sad and mad...and I can't seem to shake it even now. I wish I had Jonah and Harper here with me. This life that I am left with, without them is so difficult and complicated....I wonder how I will be able to stand it if I am given a long life here on Earth. Surely people will be tired of my sadness and madness because they a never going away it seems. And surely people will be tired of hearing about what all happened to me back in 2012 and how it forever changed me. I just don't know what to do with myself.

Jonah and Harper,
Oh I want to hold you both so close right now. What I wouldn't give to hold you in my arms and kiss you on your soft little heads. How I wish I could show my love for you two in ways that normal mothers do instead of how I have to now, with my crazy antics and anxious self. I so wish your Daddy could have you two here. He would be all about y'all, always doing crazy stuff to make you both laugh and giggle. He would be fascinated with y'all. And I wish y'all could meet Ruby, the sweetest dog ever...oh she would love y'all because we would be one little family, always together. Oh I miss you Jonah and Harper...I love you both so....my heart is with you two, so I'm not nearly the same now.