Taking a Break from This Blog

This blog has been on my mind a lot lately. I bet you couldn't tell :). My intentions when I started my other blog were to keep blogging here....but I have a hard enough time keeping my other blog up to date. So, I have decided to stop worrying about posting here. I will still keep this blog up and running and I will still keep tabs on it. I'm sure I will post here from time to time over the years, when I need a safe place to grieve...that is what this blog has been for me. My safe place as I have tried to figure things out after losing Jonah and then Harper. This blog is where I have hashed out a lot of my thoughts and disappointments. This blog is where I have connected with so many other bloggers and babyloss mamas who have helped me navigate through the hardest days. I hope you will join me still, through my newer blog, www.TheHardRoadForward.Blogspot.com, and whenever there is a random post here, I hope you will find your way back to this blog. Until then....

Recap: 2013

2013 began with a whirlwind for us. We were about to embark on one of the wildest, craziest journeys of our lives: Invitro Fertilization with a gestational carrier. It never crossed our minds that it would take more than one try. After the disappointment of a failed round and no embryos left to freeze, we were able to proceed with a second round of IVF. This round proved to be even more heart-wrenching as we found out we were pregnant only to find at the 6wk mark that the pregnancy was ectopic and would not be able to progress. So, after waiting a long 6 more weeks for Kristi's HCG levels to reach zero, we were able to begin our third and final round. This time, things seemed so hopeful and as perfect as they could be, considering my crazy reproductive system. But, for reasons we don't understand the trigger shot did not work and we were left to transfer the one frozen embryo we had left from our second attempt at IVF. We found out last week that this transfer did not work...the day before Christmas Eve.

We began 2013 full of hope and we are ending it in a completely different place than we ever thought we would. We are broken and battered, tired and weary, even more than when this year began. BUT, even so, this is not the end. The team of doctors and nurses at the Florida Institute for Reproductive Medicine are working on a plan for us, for 2014, and I am eagerly awaiting the first of the year 2014. 

A lot has changed in 2013 but a lot has stayed the same. I still see Jonah and Harper's faces every time I close my eyes. I still ache to hold them in my arms. I still have their room exactly as it was when I lost Jonah. I still don't do big crowds. I still have a hard time around some people and around children. I still get mad, sad and angry at the drop of a hat. I still miss them every second of the day, everyday.

My hope for 2014 is for a baby, to love and bring up in The Lord...that has not changed. We still covet your prayers on this journey that is taking much longer than we ever expected.

Here's to the new year, hoping it is better than this one has been.

My 27th Birthday

This time last year, I was sad but I was hopeful. I had just told my family that I was pregnant with another little boy, Mr. Harper Bailey Willis. This time last year, I was scared. Scared that Harper would not make it home either. Scared that Harper would take up too much of my heart and somehow shove Jonah and his memory to the side, as ridiculous as that sounds. 

This year, I am sad and not quite as hopeful. I'm beginning to wonder if a child here on Earth is in the cards for me. I'm beginning to get scared about who I am and who I will become if none of this IVF stuff works. 

This year, on my 27 birthday, I am painfully aware that I should've had a sweet baby boy in my arms by now, twice over by now...painfully aware.

What Really Stings

You know what really stings? Seeing people that were pregnant when you were and they are pregnant with their second child...and you still haven't brought a child home. That really stings.

Today's Thoughts

I am hurting today, Jonah and Harper. Not that it ever goes away, but it has hit me the past couple of hours. I want you two here with me. I want this endless pursuit of a child here on Earth to be fulfilled. I want to be whole again and not this basket case of a person that I am. But this ache in me is ripping me apart, day by day. I want people to "get" that everything else has faded away for me except for your Daddy and you two and thoughts of a child here on Earth. I want people to "get" that I am much too preoccupied with all of this to be worried about whether I told them this or told them that...misery absolutely loves company, thats for sure. I am tired and bitter and hurt and angry...and just all out sad about things. If I could just have you two here with me...

Mother's Day 2013

Jonah, I can not believe that tomorrow will be my second Mother's Day without you. I still can't believe there was a first Mother's Day without you. And Harper, this will be my first Mother's Day without you. How is any of this even possible? I miss you both so much more than I can say! I am bitter and sad and mad, still. I am disappointed and bothered...still trying to make sense of it all. I love you, my sweet boys...so much!

"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back." - Erma Bombeck

Our First IVF/Gestational Carrier Attempt

Please click here to read about the results of our attempt at IVF with a gestational carrier.

And please, please, please pray for us...