Six Months

Jonah,
I cannot believe that it has been six months....half of a year....since I held you in my arms. I cannot believe how heartbroken I am still. It is as if time means nothing to this broken heart of mine because I still cringe at the thought of all that happened on February 1 and the days leading up to it. I still want to run out of the room when someone starts talking about babies and pregnancy and their own children. I still tell God that this is some horrible mistake, you can't really be gone. I still look at your pictures everyday and I think about how precious and beautiful you were. I still wonder what you would have looked like as you got older and your personality set in.

I am still trying to figure out where I go from here and I am afraid that I will never figure it out. But then again, I don't think this is something that I am mean't to figure out, at least not here on earth anyway. I think I will always be stumbling around this life, as if in the dark, because the light surely dimmed for me when you were taken so soon from me. But I guess that is okay too because my eyes are learning how to adjust to this new lighting, painful as it is. The truth is, I live and breath you Jonah. Apart from you and your Daddy and Ruby, I don't know a thing.

So, this is how it is for me, six months later, Jonah. I still miss you and ache for you terribly. I'm so sorry that I am not stronger than this. I am still wrestling with God, still pitching a fit. But I think, or rather, hope He understands. I love you baby boy, so much! I love you so much, that is why I am having a hard time recovering...I just wanted you SO bad, Jonah...