Harper's Due Date

I can't believe that Harper was supposed to be here, living and breathing, by now. He was due today but Dr. Bruhn would've never let me go to 40 weeks, I would've probably had him the first week of February at 37 weeks. But still....I can't believe I have reached another baby's due date and not brought home a child.

Thoughts of Harper's delivery seem to fill my mind these days. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I guess this is because it was so traumatic. I mean, I almost lost my life. I had to pee in a bed pan probably two million times. I was in so much pain, the most physical pain I think I have ever experienced. I was nauseated. I was so confused and irritated that there was a problem yet again.

I know I am not supposed to understand, but that doesn't stop me from saying it. I do not understand why I had to lose two...TWO babies! I was so close both times. I held them both in my arms...and they were both so beautiful. And people think that this pain will eventually go away and that I will forget about it. Never. I couldn't forget about all of this if I tried.

I miss Harper today, as I do everyday. No matter what good things come my way, I can't seem to reconcile all that has happened in the past year...it sucks so bad. I want Jonah and Harper here with me now. It should have never been like this.