Recap: 2013

2013 began with a whirlwind for us. We were about to embark on one of the wildest, craziest journeys of our lives: Invitro Fertilization with a gestational carrier. It never crossed our minds that it would take more than one try. After the disappointment of a failed round and no embryos left to freeze, we were able to proceed with a second round of IVF. This round proved to be even more heart-wrenching as we found out we were pregnant only to find at the 6wk mark that the pregnancy was ectopic and would not be able to progress. So, after waiting a long 6 more weeks for Kristi's HCG levels to reach zero, we were able to begin our third and final round. This time, things seemed so hopeful and as perfect as they could be, considering my crazy reproductive system. But, for reasons we don't understand the trigger shot did not work and we were left to transfer the one frozen embryo we had left from our second attempt at IVF. We found out last week that this transfer did not work...the day before Christmas Eve.

We began 2013 full of hope and we are ending it in a completely different place than we ever thought we would. We are broken and battered, tired and weary, even more than when this year began. BUT, even so, this is not the end. The team of doctors and nurses at the Florida Institute for Reproductive Medicine are working on a plan for us, for 2014, and I am eagerly awaiting the first of the year 2014. 

A lot has changed in 2013 but a lot has stayed the same. I still see Jonah and Harper's faces every time I close my eyes. I still ache to hold them in my arms. I still have their room exactly as it was when I lost Jonah. I still don't do big crowds. I still have a hard time around some people and around children. I still get mad, sad and angry at the drop of a hat. I still miss them every second of the day, everyday.

My hope for 2014 is for a baby, to love and bring up in The Lord...that has not changed. We still covet your prayers on this journey that is taking much longer than we ever expected.

Here's to the new year, hoping it is better than this one has been.

My 27th Birthday

This time last year, I was sad but I was hopeful. I had just told my family that I was pregnant with another little boy, Mr. Harper Bailey Willis. This time last year, I was scared. Scared that Harper would not make it home either. Scared that Harper would take up too much of my heart and somehow shove Jonah and his memory to the side, as ridiculous as that sounds. 

This year, I am sad and not quite as hopeful. I'm beginning to wonder if a child here on Earth is in the cards for me. I'm beginning to get scared about who I am and who I will become if none of this IVF stuff works. 

This year, on my 27 birthday, I am painfully aware that I should've had a sweet baby boy in my arms by now, twice over by now...painfully aware.

What Really Stings

You know what really stings? Seeing people that were pregnant when you were and they are pregnant with their second child...and you still haven't brought a child home. That really stings.

Today's Thoughts

I am hurting today, Jonah and Harper. Not that it ever goes away, but it has hit me the past couple of hours. I want you two here with me. I want this endless pursuit of a child here on Earth to be fulfilled. I want to be whole again and not this basket case of a person that I am. But this ache in me is ripping me apart, day by day. I want people to "get" that everything else has faded away for me except for your Daddy and you two and thoughts of a child here on Earth. I want people to "get" that I am much too preoccupied with all of this to be worried about whether I told them this or told them that...misery absolutely loves company, thats for sure. I am tired and bitter and hurt and angry...and just all out sad about things. If I could just have you two here with me...

Mother's Day 2013

Jonah, I can not believe that tomorrow will be my second Mother's Day without you. I still can't believe there was a first Mother's Day without you. And Harper, this will be my first Mother's Day without you. How is any of this even possible? I miss you both so much more than I can say! I am bitter and sad and mad, still. I am disappointed and bothered...still trying to make sense of it all. I love you, my sweet boys...so much!

"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back." - Erma Bombeck

Our First IVF/Gestational Carrier Attempt

Please click here to read about the results of our attempt at IVF with a gestational carrier.

And please, please, please pray for us...

What's Going On...

I thought it would be easier than it has been to keep this blog up-to-date as we go through the IVF with a Gestational Carrier stuff. But, it has proven to be hard for me to post on here as I post on my other blog. To read about what has been going on, click here. I will be sharing news with you soon, both on my other blog and here as well. Please continue to remember us in your prayers.

Catching Up

I have been missing this blog lately. I have been so busy with IVF and my gestational carrier stuff (you can visit my other blog by clicking here) that I haven't really had a chance to blog here about the things that have been going through my mind. I'm still missing Jonah and Harper. With every injection that I have to take, the hurt grows a little more because if my body wasn't messed up, I might have them both here...therefore: NO INJECTIONS! That would be nice! Many months later and I still can't believe that this is my life...that I have lost two boys...that I have to go on living without them...I can honestly say, this is never how I pictured things.

The Unexpectedness Of Grief

It is true what they say. They say that grief shows up unexpectedly at times. It surely does. Not to lead anyone to believe that there is ever a moment that I don't think about Jonah or Harper, but this grief still surprises me. For the most part, in the Jonah and Harper departments, I have been doing pretty good. Unbelievably, I do not cry about them everyday. So, when the hurt just sneaks up and pounces on me, in a moments time, I am taken by surprise. Like tonight. I have been fine all day. The sadness has been there all day, but I have still been fine. Aaron played ball all day so I went to the ballfields around 6:45pm because we were going to go eat supper after one of his games. As soon as I pull up, the lump shows up in my throat. I start thinking about how there is no way I am going to be able to walk up to the stands and see people I know and hold it together. People with their kids. People with a million questions about IVF and surrogacy and me. People who do not "get it". So what do I do? I call my twin sister Sarah, crying. You know, so the people parked beside me think I am normal and all.

It sucks. It sucks that for the rest of my life moments like this will come out of nowhere and surprise me. It sucks that Jonah is not here. It sucks that Harper is not here. It sucks that all I can do is wallow in my sorrow. It sucks that things are moving so quickly and I find myself struggling to hang on to the time when I was pregnant with Jonah and then not and the time when I was pregnant with Harper and then not. I am so much farther from those times than I ever thought I could be...and it hurts. And I know that this probably makes no sense to normal people.

I guess that is what I am surprised about, how I want to sit here in my grief and never move forward. How moving forward means moving on and accepting what all has happened. I just can't seem to accept that this is how my life is from here on out, separate from Jonah and Harper until Heaven. I want to hold them so bad...my arms ache for them so bad...it just all makes me so sad and so mad that it all had to turn out like this, even if it is to bring glory to God. I'm just being honest! Couldn't we have done that another way? Two babies? Really? It has been 13 months since I held Jonah and five months since I held Harper...and it is still tremendously hard. I suppose it always will be.

Harper's Due Date

I can't believe that Harper was supposed to be here, living and breathing, by now. He was due today but Dr. Bruhn would've never let me go to 40 weeks, I would've probably had him the first week of February at 37 weeks. But still....I can't believe I have reached another baby's due date and not brought home a child.

Thoughts of Harper's delivery seem to fill my mind these days. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I guess this is because it was so traumatic. I mean, I almost lost my life. I had to pee in a bed pan probably two million times. I was in so much pain, the most physical pain I think I have ever experienced. I was nauseated. I was so confused and irritated that there was a problem yet again.

I know I am not supposed to understand, but that doesn't stop me from saying it. I do not understand why I had to lose two...TWO babies! I was so close both times. I held them both in my arms...and they were both so beautiful. And people think that this pain will eventually go away and that I will forget about it. Never. I couldn't forget about all of this if I tried.

I miss Harper today, as I do everyday. No matter what good things come my way, I can't seem to reconcile all that has happened in the past year...it sucks so bad. I want Jonah and Harper here with me now. It should have never been like this.

Changed My Mind...

So...I changed my mind about all those bright colors ;)! I decided to change to look of this blog again, to something a little more subtle. That is all for today, I promise!

New Look

I know that the new look to this blog is rather cheery. Trust me, that is not my intent! I just thought that the blog could use a facelift and I'm not afraid of color. Despite the sadness I feel, I do feel joy and happiness when I think of Jonah and Harper because they are mine...maybe that is why I chose the new colors/design here. And, it was a pain in the butt to get it to look like this so I won't be changing it for awhile :).

Anyways...I have started a new blog in order to keep people updated on my journey with IVF and a Gestational Carrier. You can follow it here. So many people have helped us get to this point, so I feel like I owe it to them to keep them posted. I could have blogged about it from here but I really want to keep this blog separate. This blog is not intended for all to see, really just for those who are babylost. Don't worry! I will continue to blog here. I will continue to vent my frustrations here. I will continue to talk about Jonah and Harper and how much I miss them. I will also be blogging about how much I miss them at my other blog, too. It just wouldn't be right not too :).

Thanks to those who stumble upon this blog and read it. I know that it is few and far between. I hope this blog helps someone else going through such heartache.

On another note, did I mention how much I miss Jonah and Harper? Gosh, it eats me alive most days, this sadness. I wish so badly that they were here....

The Madness Has Returned

I have been doing pretty good these last couple of weeks. I've surprised myself. Maybe it is because I have been busy calling lawyers and my insurance company. But, like I figured it would, the madness has creeped back in. The sadness never goes away, but the madness of it all had kind of stopped for a couple of weeks. It is crazy how one little comment can bring it all back. So today I have been sad and mad...and I can't seem to shake it even now. I wish I had Jonah and Harper here with me. This life that I am left with, without them is so difficult and complicated....I wonder how I will be able to stand it if I am given a long life here on Earth. Surely people will be tired of my sadness and madness because they a never going away it seems. And surely people will be tired of hearing about what all happened to me back in 2012 and how it forever changed me. I just don't know what to do with myself.

Jonah and Harper,
Oh I want to hold you both so close right now. What I wouldn't give to hold you in my arms and kiss you on your soft little heads. How I wish I could show my love for you two in ways that normal mothers do instead of how I have to now, with my crazy antics and anxious self. I so wish your Daddy could have you two here. He would be all about y'all, always doing crazy stuff to make you both laugh and giggle. He would be fascinated with y'all. And I wish y'all could meet Ruby, the sweetest dog ever...oh she would love y'all because we would be one little family, always together. Oh I miss you Jonah and Harper...I love you both so....my heart is with you two, so I'm not nearly the same now.