Taking a Break from This Blog

This blog has been on my mind a lot lately. I bet you couldn't tell :). My intentions when I started my other blog were to keep blogging here....but I have a hard enough time keeping my other blog up to date. So, I have decided to stop worrying about posting here. I will still keep this blog up and running and I will still keep tabs on it. I'm sure I will post here from time to time over the years, when I need a safe place to grieve...that is what this blog has been for me. My safe place as I have tried to figure things out after losing Jonah and then Harper. This blog is where I have hashed out a lot of my thoughts and disappointments. This blog is where I have connected with so many other bloggers and babyloss mamas who have helped me navigate through the hardest days. I hope you will join me still, through my newer blog, www.TheHardRoadForward.Blogspot.com, and whenever there is a random post here, I hope you will find your way back to this blog. Until then....

Recap: 2013

2013 began with a whirlwind for us. We were about to embark on one of the wildest, craziest journeys of our lives: Invitro Fertilization with a gestational carrier. It never crossed our minds that it would take more than one try. After the disappointment of a failed round and no embryos left to freeze, we were able to proceed with a second round of IVF. This round proved to be even more heart-wrenching as we found out we were pregnant only to find at the 6wk mark that the pregnancy was ectopic and would not be able to progress. So, after waiting a long 6 more weeks for Kristi's HCG levels to reach zero, we were able to begin our third and final round. This time, things seemed so hopeful and as perfect as they could be, considering my crazy reproductive system. But, for reasons we don't understand the trigger shot did not work and we were left to transfer the one frozen embryo we had left from our second attempt at IVF. We found out last week that this transfer did not work...the day before Christmas Eve.

We began 2013 full of hope and we are ending it in a completely different place than we ever thought we would. We are broken and battered, tired and weary, even more than when this year began. BUT, even so, this is not the end. The team of doctors and nurses at the Florida Institute for Reproductive Medicine are working on a plan for us, for 2014, and I am eagerly awaiting the first of the year 2014. 

A lot has changed in 2013 but a lot has stayed the same. I still see Jonah and Harper's faces every time I close my eyes. I still ache to hold them in my arms. I still have their room exactly as it was when I lost Jonah. I still don't do big crowds. I still have a hard time around some people and around children. I still get mad, sad and angry at the drop of a hat. I still miss them every second of the day, everyday.

My hope for 2014 is for a baby, to love and bring up in The Lord...that has not changed. We still covet your prayers on this journey that is taking much longer than we ever expected.

Here's to the new year, hoping it is better than this one has been.

My 27th Birthday

This time last year, I was sad but I was hopeful. I had just told my family that I was pregnant with another little boy, Mr. Harper Bailey Willis. This time last year, I was scared. Scared that Harper would not make it home either. Scared that Harper would take up too much of my heart and somehow shove Jonah and his memory to the side, as ridiculous as that sounds. 

This year, I am sad and not quite as hopeful. I'm beginning to wonder if a child here on Earth is in the cards for me. I'm beginning to get scared about who I am and who I will become if none of this IVF stuff works. 

This year, on my 27 birthday, I am painfully aware that I should've had a sweet baby boy in my arms by now, twice over by now...painfully aware.

What Really Stings

You know what really stings? Seeing people that were pregnant when you were and they are pregnant with their second child...and you still haven't brought a child home. That really stings.

Today's Thoughts

I am hurting today, Jonah and Harper. Not that it ever goes away, but it has hit me the past couple of hours. I want you two here with me. I want this endless pursuit of a child here on Earth to be fulfilled. I want to be whole again and not this basket case of a person that I am. But this ache in me is ripping me apart, day by day. I want people to "get" that everything else has faded away for me except for your Daddy and you two and thoughts of a child here on Earth. I want people to "get" that I am much too preoccupied with all of this to be worried about whether I told them this or told them that...misery absolutely loves company, thats for sure. I am tired and bitter and hurt and angry...and just all out sad about things. If I could just have you two here with me...

Mother's Day 2013

Jonah, I can not believe that tomorrow will be my second Mother's Day without you. I still can't believe there was a first Mother's Day without you. And Harper, this will be my first Mother's Day without you. How is any of this even possible? I miss you both so much more than I can say! I am bitter and sad and mad, still. I am disappointed and bothered...still trying to make sense of it all. I love you, my sweet boys...so much!

"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back." - Erma Bombeck

Our First IVF/Gestational Carrier Attempt

Please click here to read about the results of our attempt at IVF with a gestational carrier.

And please, please, please pray for us...

What's Going On...

I thought it would be easier than it has been to keep this blog up-to-date as we go through the IVF with a Gestational Carrier stuff. But, it has proven to be hard for me to post on here as I post on my other blog. To read about what has been going on, click here. I will be sharing news with you soon, both on my other blog and here as well. Please continue to remember us in your prayers.

Catching Up

I have been missing this blog lately. I have been so busy with IVF and my gestational carrier stuff (you can visit my other blog by clicking here) that I haven't really had a chance to blog here about the things that have been going through my mind. I'm still missing Jonah and Harper. With every injection that I have to take, the hurt grows a little more because if my body wasn't messed up, I might have them both here...therefore: NO INJECTIONS! That would be nice! Many months later and I still can't believe that this is my life...that I have lost two boys...that I have to go on living without them...I can honestly say, this is never how I pictured things.

The Unexpectedness Of Grief

It is true what they say. They say that grief shows up unexpectedly at times. It surely does. Not to lead anyone to believe that there is ever a moment that I don't think about Jonah or Harper, but this grief still surprises me. For the most part, in the Jonah and Harper departments, I have been doing pretty good. Unbelievably, I do not cry about them everyday. So, when the hurt just sneaks up and pounces on me, in a moments time, I am taken by surprise. Like tonight. I have been fine all day. The sadness has been there all day, but I have still been fine. Aaron played ball all day so I went to the ballfields around 6:45pm because we were going to go eat supper after one of his games. As soon as I pull up, the lump shows up in my throat. I start thinking about how there is no way I am going to be able to walk up to the stands and see people I know and hold it together. People with their kids. People with a million questions about IVF and surrogacy and me. People who do not "get it". So what do I do? I call my twin sister Sarah, crying. You know, so the people parked beside me think I am normal and all.

It sucks. It sucks that for the rest of my life moments like this will come out of nowhere and surprise me. It sucks that Jonah is not here. It sucks that Harper is not here. It sucks that all I can do is wallow in my sorrow. It sucks that things are moving so quickly and I find myself struggling to hang on to the time when I was pregnant with Jonah and then not and the time when I was pregnant with Harper and then not. I am so much farther from those times than I ever thought I could be...and it hurts. And I know that this probably makes no sense to normal people.

I guess that is what I am surprised about, how I want to sit here in my grief and never move forward. How moving forward means moving on and accepting what all has happened. I just can't seem to accept that this is how my life is from here on out, separate from Jonah and Harper until Heaven. I want to hold them so bad...my arms ache for them so bad...it just all makes me so sad and so mad that it all had to turn out like this, even if it is to bring glory to God. I'm just being honest! Couldn't we have done that another way? Two babies? Really? It has been 13 months since I held Jonah and five months since I held Harper...and it is still tremendously hard. I suppose it always will be.

Harper's Due Date

I can't believe that Harper was supposed to be here, living and breathing, by now. He was due today but Dr. Bruhn would've never let me go to 40 weeks, I would've probably had him the first week of February at 37 weeks. But still....I can't believe I have reached another baby's due date and not brought home a child.

Thoughts of Harper's delivery seem to fill my mind these days. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I guess this is because it was so traumatic. I mean, I almost lost my life. I had to pee in a bed pan probably two million times. I was in so much pain, the most physical pain I think I have ever experienced. I was nauseated. I was so confused and irritated that there was a problem yet again.

I know I am not supposed to understand, but that doesn't stop me from saying it. I do not understand why I had to lose two...TWO babies! I was so close both times. I held them both in my arms...and they were both so beautiful. And people think that this pain will eventually go away and that I will forget about it. Never. I couldn't forget about all of this if I tried.

I miss Harper today, as I do everyday. No matter what good things come my way, I can't seem to reconcile all that has happened in the past year...it sucks so bad. I want Jonah and Harper here with me now. It should have never been like this.

Changed My Mind...

So...I changed my mind about all those bright colors ;)! I decided to change to look of this blog again, to something a little more subtle. That is all for today, I promise!

New Look

I know that the new look to this blog is rather cheery. Trust me, that is not my intent! I just thought that the blog could use a facelift and I'm not afraid of color. Despite the sadness I feel, I do feel joy and happiness when I think of Jonah and Harper because they are mine...maybe that is why I chose the new colors/design here. And, it was a pain in the butt to get it to look like this so I won't be changing it for awhile :).

Anyways...I have started a new blog in order to keep people updated on my journey with IVF and a Gestational Carrier. You can follow it here. So many people have helped us get to this point, so I feel like I owe it to them to keep them posted. I could have blogged about it from here but I really want to keep this blog separate. This blog is not intended for all to see, really just for those who are babylost. Don't worry! I will continue to blog here. I will continue to vent my frustrations here. I will continue to talk about Jonah and Harper and how much I miss them. I will also be blogging about how much I miss them at my other blog, too. It just wouldn't be right not too :).

Thanks to those who stumble upon this blog and read it. I know that it is few and far between. I hope this blog helps someone else going through such heartache.

On another note, did I mention how much I miss Jonah and Harper? Gosh, it eats me alive most days, this sadness. I wish so badly that they were here....

The Madness Has Returned

I have been doing pretty good these last couple of weeks. I've surprised myself. Maybe it is because I have been busy calling lawyers and my insurance company. But, like I figured it would, the madness has creeped back in. The sadness never goes away, but the madness of it all had kind of stopped for a couple of weeks. It is crazy how one little comment can bring it all back. So today I have been sad and mad...and I can't seem to shake it even now. I wish I had Jonah and Harper here with me. This life that I am left with, without them is so difficult and complicated....I wonder how I will be able to stand it if I am given a long life here on Earth. Surely people will be tired of my sadness and madness because they a never going away it seems. And surely people will be tired of hearing about what all happened to me back in 2012 and how it forever changed me. I just don't know what to do with myself.

Jonah and Harper,
Oh I want to hold you both so close right now. What I wouldn't give to hold you in my arms and kiss you on your soft little heads. How I wish I could show my love for you two in ways that normal mothers do instead of how I have to now, with my crazy antics and anxious self. I so wish your Daddy could have you two here. He would be all about y'all, always doing crazy stuff to make you both laugh and giggle. He would be fascinated with y'all. And I wish y'all could meet Ruby, the sweetest dog ever...oh she would love y'all because we would be one little family, always together. Oh I miss you Jonah and Harper...I love you both so....my heart is with you two, so I'm not nearly the same now.

Hard On So Many Levels

I know it has been awhile since I've posted. I've been busy, overwhelmed and just tired. I met with Dr. Winslow and he was very much against me having the Strassman Procedure to correct my uterus. He just can't say if it would allow me to carry a baby to term...and that is a risk I can't handle. I can't have three headstones at the cemetery, two is way too much as it is. So, my only option, if I want to have my own biological child, is a gestational carrier. It is a complicated process and it is absolutely overwhelming. There are legal contracts and fees, the whole IVF process and the cost of all of that...it is not for the faint of heart :(. So, we are praying for God to lead us, for God to prepare the woman He has picked out for us to carry our child. We are trying to navigate through all the details and honestly, we are trying to save all of our pennies.

This is hard for me on many levels. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I am broken, I don't work...or at least my uterus is broken. It is hard to accept the fact that I have to find someone else to do my job, the job of carrying my own child. It is hard to believe that I will never be pregnant again. This makes me sad because as terrifying as it would always be for me, there is something to be said for feeling a growing life inside of you...and I hate it so much that I can't ever feel that again. I am grateful for technology and that there is a way for me and Aaron to have our own biological child, even though it comes with a hefty price tag. But I want to be honest and just say that this is hard. This is not fair. This is never how I thought my life would be.

I miss Jonah. I miss Harper. I miss the hope that they both brought me. I long for them more each day. I literally ache. I can't believe that I just celebrated what was supposed to be Jonah's first Christmas without him. I can't believe that I'm no longer pregnant with Harper, my rainbow baby...that he got to spend Christmas with his big brother. It is all so overwhelming at times. And this week has been so hard.

Where We Stand

This is a blog post I meant to post back in November, I think the week of Thanksgiving or the week after.

About one week ago, I had an MRI to determine if my uterus is indeed bicornuate. And...it is. This is the worst of the two possibilities, a septated uterus or a bicornuate uterus. In my case, my only option if I want to carry my own child to term one day, would be to have something called the Strassman Procedure. This is an abdominal surgery. A big one. A scary one. It might not be quite as scary if I hadn't lost half of my blood volume after delivering Harper, but then again I think it would still be scary. I am going to Dr. Winslow to discuss everything. Hopefully we will be able to figure out what to do and where to go from here.

This Week

From the moment I found out that I was pregnant with Harper, I have been scared of this week. This week would have been the 26 week mark for Harper, the week that we lost Jonah. I was terrified my whole pregnancy with Harper because I knew anything could happen, there was no guarantee that this baby would make it home with me either. But, in some way I felt like nothing really could happen until 26 weeks. Little did I know...
And here I am, missing Jonah and now Harper, but i am not scared for Harper this week, i am scared for me and for Aaron and for what does or does not lie ahead. This life is so crazy to me these days...
This 26th week also happens to be the week of Thanksgiving. What would have been Jonah's first Thanksgiving. The hard Thanksgiving that was going to be a little bit easier because I was pregnant with a bundle of hope named Harper.
This week is nothing like I thought it would be.

Hard Days

Everyday seems to be hard in its own way. Today has been no different. It is hard to get up every morning knowing that your two baby boys are in Heaven and you are here. It is hard trying to lose this weight, this big reminder of what should have been, twice now. And you know, it is not like I need reminders....Jonah and Harper and everything about each of their stories weighs heavy on my mind at all times. I got some mail today, some much anticipated mail. Harper's birth certificate. It wasn't quite what I had expected. Stamped in all caps across the certificate were the words "DECEASED" as if I did not know this. As if I were not present for the birth or death of my second child...

And then I opened up a letter from our insurance company. In the three years that me and Aaron have been married we have never gotten new insurance cards. So why wouldn't we get some in the mail today with Harper's name listed as a dependent? Another cruel reminder that Harper depended on me and my body let him down.

Like I said, I don't need reminders. Jonah and Harper are all I think about all day, everyday. It is just the little things that make me lose it. And there are a lot of little things it seems.

This Really Sucks (For Lack Of A Better Title)

So it has been one week and five days since I gave birth to Harper. I still can't wrap my mind around this. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I have not just one, but two baby boys in Heaven and I am here, without them. I know all about this process, the grief process. I know that God can use all of this for His Glory. But that doesn't mean I will sugarcoat it: this sucks. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would lose Jonah. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would lose another child after him. I was terrified this whole pregnancy with Harper. Some days I would panic, thinking that I must have been crazy to put myself out there on the line again, knowing I could not control anything about Harper and whether or not he made it here safe and sound. But, honestly.....I never really thought something so horrible could happen again, even though it was different circumstances. What kind of cruel world is this that a mother can lose more than one child? I mean seriously...it doesn't even make sense. I never dreamed I would go through the darkest of days again but here I am smack-dab in the middle of them. Harper was supposed to give me hope. He was supposed to help me and Aaron rise from the horrible loss of Jonah. We were going to have a reason to smile again. And while I can smile that Harper lived for a few hours, that we got that much, it doesn't seem like enough to last me the rest of my days.

I am scared for what our future holds. I am scared that I may never "bounce back" from this loss. I was actually making some progress with Jonah's death, be it ever so small, but to add the loss of Harper on top of it...I am right back where I started, on January 30, the day we found out that Jonah's heart was no longer beating. Now I wonder if we will ever get to have a child of our own, made-up of both Aaron and I, that lives and breathes and that gets to come home and grow up. And I wonder that if we do not, how will I ever live with that...because I am not so sure that I can. I am meeting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist in a couple of weeks. Hopefully he will be able to tell me what he thinks the problem is. Aaron will have bloodwork since I have already had all of my blood genetically tested. We are waiting to hear back from the results of the placenta. Hopefully all of these things will help us to know where to go from here. As you know, I lost half of my blood volume during Harper's delivery and it was very dangerous. We need to figure out why this happened because it cannot happen again. Our desire for a child is so strong but our desire for each other is stronger...we need to both be here to take care of a child. So, there is a lot of information that we are processing or will be processing in the future. My prayer is that God would speak loud and clear to both Aaron and I and let us know what He would have us do. I do not want there to be a shadow of a doubt as to what God would have us do.

I hope it is evident that I am trusting God, but I also hope it is clear that we are not okay with everything that has happened. We will carry Jonah and Harper with us for the rest of our lives, no matter what else happens, good or bad. I will never be able to stop thinking about my pregnancy with Jonah and the joy that he brought us. I will never be able to forget his kicks or how he loved strawberries. I will never forget the feeling of despair that swept over me and has stayed with me since we found out that Jonah was gone. I will never forget anything from the hospital or the funeral. I will never be able to stop thinking about my pregnancy with Harper and the hope that it brought us. I will never forget feeling him in a ball when he would move somewhere else in my tummy or how he liked strawberries as well. I will never forget the feeling of disbelief that swept over me when my water broke, the moment I realized that Harper would be born too early. This feeling has stayed with me as well. I will never forget anything from Shands or the funeral. I will carry everything I have concerning both of my boys for the rest of my life and I will never be the same.

I know all of this cannot be in vain...but I so wish it could all be undone and that I could have Jonah and Harper both here with me. Me and Aaron have so much love to give to them, I think that is why it all hurts so bad...this grief is all we can do for them now...and that really sucks.     

Harper's Birth Story

It is with a heavy, heavy heart that I tell you that Harper is now in Heaven with his big brother, Jonah. I am hurt and broken, twice over now. Words just can't express the hopelessness and disappointment that I feel.

On Friday, October 12, we were setting up for a yard sale that we were participating in the next morning. From about 10:00pm to about 12 I was baking brownies and bagging them up to sell at the yard sale. When I went to get ready for bed, I found that I was bleeding a little. I immediately went into panic mode and I remember sitting on the toilet crying to God that this could not be happening! I thought I was fixing to lose Harper. I came out of the bathroom crying hysterically and I told Aaron (my husband) what was going on. We got out the doppler to listen to Harper's heart and we found it immediately. I wish I could tell you that this eased my mind, but it didn't. We laid in bed talking and decided that I had probably just done too much that day and then I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning Aaron got up early and went to the yard sale. I got up and started getting ready but noticed that I was still spotting a little. So, I decided to call the on-call number for my doctor's office just to run it by them and see what they thought. I spoke with Dr.Reed, the on call doctor that weekend. She told me to come in and they would hook me up to a monitor and do an ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. I called Aaron and he came home and got me and we headed to Thomasville to the hospital. Once there, they checked me in, found Harper's heartbeat with the handheld doppler and hooked me up to a monitor to check for contractions. They then sent me to have an ultrasound and I must say this was the loooonnngggeeessstt ultrasound I have ever had! When I got back to my room, Robin, the midwife on call, used a speculum to check me and also checked my cervix with her fingers. She told me she saw that there was some blood but they couldn't figure out what the cause was. They also informed me that I was having some contractions and they told me to drink about 100oz. of water daily because being the slightest bit dehydrated could cause contractions. They sent me home on pelvic rest. I found the couch immediately once I got home.

The spotting continued but I did not feel bad so I assumed that all the water I had been drinking was hydrating me and the spotting was just something that I should not worry about. I work at a desk all day so it is not strenuous at all. I went into work everyday from 8am to 1pm and then I would go home and get on the couch. On Wednesday, around 11am or so, I started feeling really crampy. I left work and went home and got on the couch. I called my doctor's office and spoke with the triage nurse. Since my pain was constant (like I fixing to start my period or like the first day of my period) the nurse told me that I should just lay on a heating pad and take some tylenol. She told me that if it got worse to come in. For the record, I am not so sure it makes sense to EVER tell a pregnant woman to lay on a heating pad for cramps! But, I did what she said all while chugging water to stay hydrated. My pain stayed consistent, but it did not seem to get worse so I never called back. I did not want to be the "girl-who-cried-wolf" and I had a doctor's appointment at Shands in Gainesville the next morning. We were going to Shands to have an echocardiogram to check on Harper's heart because the specialist that I see found a hole in Harper's heart and two choroid plexus cysts on Harper's brain. So, I thought that I would just mention how things had been going while I was there because surely Shands would know what was going on.

The next morning, Thursday, October 18, Aaron and I got up and got ready to head to Gainesville. I noticed that my cramps were not constant now but that they would come and go. We were fixing to walk out the door and I suddenly had the urge to throw-up, and I did. This was very strange to me because when I was 10cm dialated with Jonah, I started trying to throw up (since I had not eaten in a long time I was just dry-heaving). Anyways, we headed to Gainesville. The whole way there I would grimace through the pain. Once at the doctor's office, we waited for over an hour before we were called back. In the ultrasound room I started crying and I told the ultrasound tech what had been going on and that I have a bicornuate uterus and that my first pregnancy had ended in a stillbirth, etc. She did the ultrasound and the doctor came in and looked aroud and told me that Harper had a Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD), aka a hole in his heart. He told me that this could heal on it's own or it could require surgery after he is born but I should not worry about it. He told me that he wanted to send me to Pediatric Cardiology while I was there just so they could get a better look and also do the echocardiogram. I was on the brink of tears because of the pain I was in and because I just felt like something was wrong. He decided to do a vaginal ultrasound to check my cervix. He found that my cervix was shortened and dialated some (he never said how much). He was concerned that I could go into preterm labor as early as 21-22 weeks. I remember thinking, I am 21 weeks?! So, he wanted to admit me to Labor and Delivery and give me meds to try and stop the contractions that I was having and to stop the labor that was apparently beginning.

It took us about one whole hour to get from Dr. Eggerman's office to Labor and Delivery because we had to wait on a shuttle and what not. Once we got to Labor and Delivery I was admitted and put on Morphine and Nifidepene (sp?) and they gave me Zofran. The Morphine was for pain and the Nifidepene was to help relax my uterus so that it would stop contracting. I was in a triage room until they got me to another room. This room was a double room and about 20 minutes or so after I had been there a lady that was 40 weeks pregnant walked by to use the bathroom. She was in the bed next to me and they found her baby's heartbeat and started getting her ready to take to another room so that she could deliver. It sounded like they had her baby's heartbeat hooked up to a microphone and it was all I could hear. Aaron finally mentioned to our nurse that it was hard for us to hear all of that with losing Jonah and now being in preterm labor at 21 weeks. She assured us that she was trying to get us moved to another room as quickly as possible. Eventually I was moved to a room all by myself. Dr. Eggerman and a nurse came in after I had been given my three doses of Dilaudid to check me. I was told that I was 4cm dialated and that my cervix was shortening. I remember the nurse telling me that I needed to know that nothing I had done had caused this, nothing. I remember crying and shaking my head that I understood. They moved me to a delivery room, but I honestly didn't realize that was what type of room I was in. I remember thinking that the contractions were still not stopping and why?! I was in so much pain and I was so worried. Throughout all of this, no one ever told me that I was going to deliver Harper that day, no one. I just kept thinking why aren't the contractions stopping, why isn't this medicine working?

I threw up a couple times throughout all of this. The last time, I sat up in a hurry and started throwing up in this plastic cup thing. While I was throwing up I felt a sudden gush and I swear it sounded like the loudest thing in the world. I immediately looked at Aaron and started hollaring that my water had broke. Aaron told me it was okay and I hollared at him, in panic, "No! It is not okay! Aaron, my water broke, that is NOT okay!" and he told me it wasn't but it was, meaning I had to calm down. I remember feeling like I needed to do something but how could I? It was too early for me to be giving birth to Harper. The doctor at my feet told me to push if I felt like I needed to. I remember babbling about how I couldn't and then before I knew it, Harper was out and I could feel him moving a little. They immediately cleaned Harper up and gave him to us. Harper's heart was beating and he would move his little hands and arms every now and then and he would take breaths of air. He was so tiny but he was so beautiful. I remember staring at him and thinking about how my body, my cervix, my uterus had failed him and that if it weren't for my body, he would have made it and he would have been perfect. Aaron held him while a doctor dug around trying to get my placenta to come out. It was so painful and she just kept on until Aaron finally told her to stop, that I was in so much pain. They then decided that I would have to have a D&C to remove the placenta. Me and Aaron continued to hold Harper and they took some pictures of Harper and of us before they took me to do the D&C. Throughout all of this, I lost half of my blood volume. So, they kept me and watched me to make sure my body was replenishing its blood supply.

Harper took his last breath sometime around midnight while I was in surgery for the D&C. Aaron feels like he was holding him when he took his last breath, and for that I am thankful. We are left with thousands of questions and we are so broken down. This was the last thing we expected, even though pre-term labor, insufficient cervix and retained placentas are all linked with having a bicornuate uterus. Everything just happened so fast.

Harper's funeral will be tomorrow. We ask for your prayers not only tomorrow but in the days and months and even years ahead. This is SO hard, especially on top of losing Jonah just eight months ago.

Harper & Mommy: