Hard On So Many Levels

I know it has been awhile since I've posted. I've been busy, overwhelmed and just tired. I met with Dr. Winslow and he was very much against me having the Strassman Procedure to correct my uterus. He just can't say if it would allow me to carry a baby to term...and that is a risk I can't handle. I can't have three headstones at the cemetery, two is way too much as it is. So, my only option, if I want to have my own biological child, is a gestational carrier. It is a complicated process and it is absolutely overwhelming. There are legal contracts and fees, the whole IVF process and the cost of all of that...it is not for the faint of heart :(. So, we are praying for God to lead us, for God to prepare the woman He has picked out for us to carry our child. We are trying to navigate through all the details and honestly, we are trying to save all of our pennies.

This is hard for me on many levels. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I am broken, I don't work...or at least my uterus is broken. It is hard to accept the fact that I have to find someone else to do my job, the job of carrying my own child. It is hard to believe that I will never be pregnant again. This makes me sad because as terrifying as it would always be for me, there is something to be said for feeling a growing life inside of you...and I hate it so much that I can't ever feel that again. I am grateful for technology and that there is a way for me and Aaron to have our own biological child, even though it comes with a hefty price tag. But I want to be honest and just say that this is hard. This is not fair. This is never how I thought my life would be.

I miss Jonah. I miss Harper. I miss the hope that they both brought me. I long for them more each day. I literally ache. I can't believe that I just celebrated what was supposed to be Jonah's first Christmas without him. I can't believe that I'm no longer pregnant with Harper, my rainbow baby...that he got to spend Christmas with his big brother. It is all so overwhelming at times. And this week has been so hard.

Where We Stand

This is a blog post I meant to post back in November, I think the week of Thanksgiving or the week after.

About one week ago, I had an MRI to determine if my uterus is indeed bicornuate. And...it is. This is the worst of the two possibilities, a septated uterus or a bicornuate uterus. In my case, my only option if I want to carry my own child to term one day, would be to have something called the Strassman Procedure. This is an abdominal surgery. A big one. A scary one. It might not be quite as scary if I hadn't lost half of my blood volume after delivering Harper, but then again I think it would still be scary. I am going to Dr. Winslow to discuss everything. Hopefully we will be able to figure out what to do and where to go from here.