This Week

From the moment I found out that I was pregnant with Harper, I have been scared of this week. This week would have been the 26 week mark for Harper, the week that we lost Jonah. I was terrified my whole pregnancy with Harper because I knew anything could happen, there was no guarantee that this baby would make it home with me either. But, in some way I felt like nothing really could happen until 26 weeks. Little did I know...
And here I am, missing Jonah and now Harper, but i am not scared for Harper this week, i am scared for me and for Aaron and for what does or does not lie ahead. This life is so crazy to me these days...
This 26th week also happens to be the week of Thanksgiving. What would have been Jonah's first Thanksgiving. The hard Thanksgiving that was going to be a little bit easier because I was pregnant with a bundle of hope named Harper.
This week is nothing like I thought it would be.

Hard Days

Everyday seems to be hard in its own way. Today has been no different. It is hard to get up every morning knowing that your two baby boys are in Heaven and you are here. It is hard trying to lose this weight, this big reminder of what should have been, twice now. And you know, it is not like I need reminders....Jonah and Harper and everything about each of their stories weighs heavy on my mind at all times. I got some mail today, some much anticipated mail. Harper's birth certificate. It wasn't quite what I had expected. Stamped in all caps across the certificate were the words "DECEASED" as if I did not know this. As if I were not present for the birth or death of my second child...

And then I opened up a letter from our insurance company. In the three years that me and Aaron have been married we have never gotten new insurance cards. So why wouldn't we get some in the mail today with Harper's name listed as a dependent? Another cruel reminder that Harper depended on me and my body let him down.

Like I said, I don't need reminders. Jonah and Harper are all I think about all day, everyday. It is just the little things that make me lose it. And there are a lot of little things it seems.