Harper's Due Date

I can't believe that Harper was supposed to be here, living and breathing, by now. He was due today but Dr. Bruhn would've never let me go to 40 weeks, I would've probably had him the first week of February at 37 weeks. But still....I can't believe I have reached another baby's due date and not brought home a child.

Thoughts of Harper's delivery seem to fill my mind these days. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I guess this is because it was so traumatic. I mean, I almost lost my life. I had to pee in a bed pan probably two million times. I was in so much pain, the most physical pain I think I have ever experienced. I was nauseated. I was so confused and irritated that there was a problem yet again.

I know I am not supposed to understand, but that doesn't stop me from saying it. I do not understand why I had to lose two...TWO babies! I was so close both times. I held them both in my arms...and they were both so beautiful. And people think that this pain will eventually go away and that I will forget about it. Never. I couldn't forget about all of this if I tried.

I miss Harper today, as I do everyday. No matter what good things come my way, I can't seem to reconcile all that has happened in the past year...it sucks so bad. I want Jonah and Harper here with me now. It should have never been like this.

Changed My Mind...

So...I changed my mind about all those bright colors ;)! I decided to change to look of this blog again, to something a little more subtle. That is all for today, I promise!

New Look

I know that the new look to this blog is rather cheery. Trust me, that is not my intent! I just thought that the blog could use a facelift and I'm not afraid of color. Despite the sadness I feel, I do feel joy and happiness when I think of Jonah and Harper because they are mine...maybe that is why I chose the new colors/design here. And, it was a pain in the butt to get it to look like this so I won't be changing it for awhile :).

Anyways...I have started a new blog in order to keep people updated on my journey with IVF and a Gestational Carrier. You can follow it here. So many people have helped us get to this point, so I feel like I owe it to them to keep them posted. I could have blogged about it from here but I really want to keep this blog separate. This blog is not intended for all to see, really just for those who are babylost. Don't worry! I will continue to blog here. I will continue to vent my frustrations here. I will continue to talk about Jonah and Harper and how much I miss them. I will also be blogging about how much I miss them at my other blog, too. It just wouldn't be right not too :).

Thanks to those who stumble upon this blog and read it. I know that it is few and far between. I hope this blog helps someone else going through such heartache.

On another note, did I mention how much I miss Jonah and Harper? Gosh, it eats me alive most days, this sadness. I wish so badly that they were here....