Hard On So Many Levels

I know it has been awhile since I've posted. I've been busy, overwhelmed and just tired. I met with Dr. Winslow and he was very much against me having the Strassman Procedure to correct my uterus. He just can't say if it would allow me to carry a baby to term...and that is a risk I can't handle. I can't have three headstones at the cemetery, two is way too much as it is. So, my only option, if I want to have my own biological child, is a gestational carrier. It is a complicated process and it is absolutely overwhelming. There are legal contracts and fees, the whole IVF process and the cost of all of that...it is not for the faint of heart :(. So, we are praying for God to lead us, for God to prepare the woman He has picked out for us to carry our child. We are trying to navigate through all the details and honestly, we are trying to save all of our pennies.

This is hard for me on many levels. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I am broken, I don't work...or at least my uterus is broken. It is hard to accept the fact that I have to find someone else to do my job, the job of carrying my own child. It is hard to believe that I will never be pregnant again. This makes me sad because as terrifying as it would always be for me, there is something to be said for feeling a growing life inside of you...and I hate it so much that I can't ever feel that again. I am grateful for technology and that there is a way for me and Aaron to have our own biological child, even though it comes with a hefty price tag. But I want to be honest and just say that this is hard. This is not fair. This is never how I thought my life would be.

I miss Jonah. I miss Harper. I miss the hope that they both brought me. I long for them more each day. I literally ache. I can't believe that I just celebrated what was supposed to be Jonah's first Christmas without him. I can't believe that I'm no longer pregnant with Harper, my rainbow baby...that he got to spend Christmas with his big brother. It is all so overwhelming at times. And this week has been so hard.

Where We Stand

This is a blog post I meant to post back in November, I think the week of Thanksgiving or the week after.

About one week ago, I had an MRI to determine if my uterus is indeed bicornuate. And...it is. This is the worst of the two possibilities, a septated uterus or a bicornuate uterus. In my case, my only option if I want to carry my own child to term one day, would be to have something called the Strassman Procedure. This is an abdominal surgery. A big one. A scary one. It might not be quite as scary if I hadn't lost half of my blood volume after delivering Harper, but then again I think it would still be scary. I am going to Dr. Winslow to discuss everything. Hopefully we will be able to figure out what to do and where to go from here.

This Week

From the moment I found out that I was pregnant with Harper, I have been scared of this week. This week would have been the 26 week mark for Harper, the week that we lost Jonah. I was terrified my whole pregnancy with Harper because I knew anything could happen, there was no guarantee that this baby would make it home with me either. But, in some way I felt like nothing really could happen until 26 weeks. Little did I know...
And here I am, missing Jonah and now Harper, but i am not scared for Harper this week, i am scared for me and for Aaron and for what does or does not lie ahead. This life is so crazy to me these days...
This 26th week also happens to be the week of Thanksgiving. What would have been Jonah's first Thanksgiving. The hard Thanksgiving that was going to be a little bit easier because I was pregnant with a bundle of hope named Harper.
This week is nothing like I thought it would be.

Hard Days

Everyday seems to be hard in its own way. Today has been no different. It is hard to get up every morning knowing that your two baby boys are in Heaven and you are here. It is hard trying to lose this weight, this big reminder of what should have been, twice now. And you know, it is not like I need reminders....Jonah and Harper and everything about each of their stories weighs heavy on my mind at all times. I got some mail today, some much anticipated mail. Harper's birth certificate. It wasn't quite what I had expected. Stamped in all caps across the certificate were the words "DECEASED" as if I did not know this. As if I were not present for the birth or death of my second child...

And then I opened up a letter from our insurance company. In the three years that me and Aaron have been married we have never gotten new insurance cards. So why wouldn't we get some in the mail today with Harper's name listed as a dependent? Another cruel reminder that Harper depended on me and my body let him down.

Like I said, I don't need reminders. Jonah and Harper are all I think about all day, everyday. It is just the little things that make me lose it. And there are a lot of little things it seems.

This Really Sucks (For Lack Of A Better Title)

So it has been one week and five days since I gave birth to Harper. I still can't wrap my mind around this. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I have not just one, but two baby boys in Heaven and I am here, without them. I know all about this process, the grief process. I know that God can use all of this for His Glory. But that doesn't mean I will sugarcoat it: this sucks. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would lose Jonah. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would lose another child after him. I was terrified this whole pregnancy with Harper. Some days I would panic, thinking that I must have been crazy to put myself out there on the line again, knowing I could not control anything about Harper and whether or not he made it here safe and sound. But, honestly.....I never really thought something so horrible could happen again, even though it was different circumstances. What kind of cruel world is this that a mother can lose more than one child? I mean seriously...it doesn't even make sense. I never dreamed I would go through the darkest of days again but here I am smack-dab in the middle of them. Harper was supposed to give me hope. He was supposed to help me and Aaron rise from the horrible loss of Jonah. We were going to have a reason to smile again. And while I can smile that Harper lived for a few hours, that we got that much, it doesn't seem like enough to last me the rest of my days.

I am scared for what our future holds. I am scared that I may never "bounce back" from this loss. I was actually making some progress with Jonah's death, be it ever so small, but to add the loss of Harper on top of it...I am right back where I started, on January 30, the day we found out that Jonah's heart was no longer beating. Now I wonder if we will ever get to have a child of our own, made-up of both Aaron and I, that lives and breathes and that gets to come home and grow up. And I wonder that if we do not, how will I ever live with that...because I am not so sure that I can. I am meeting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist in a couple of weeks. Hopefully he will be able to tell me what he thinks the problem is. Aaron will have bloodwork since I have already had all of my blood genetically tested. We are waiting to hear back from the results of the placenta. Hopefully all of these things will help us to know where to go from here. As you know, I lost half of my blood volume during Harper's delivery and it was very dangerous. We need to figure out why this happened because it cannot happen again. Our desire for a child is so strong but our desire for each other is stronger...we need to both be here to take care of a child. So, there is a lot of information that we are processing or will be processing in the future. My prayer is that God would speak loud and clear to both Aaron and I and let us know what He would have us do. I do not want there to be a shadow of a doubt as to what God would have us do.

I hope it is evident that I am trusting God, but I also hope it is clear that we are not okay with everything that has happened. We will carry Jonah and Harper with us for the rest of our lives, no matter what else happens, good or bad. I will never be able to stop thinking about my pregnancy with Jonah and the joy that he brought us. I will never be able to forget his kicks or how he loved strawberries. I will never forget the feeling of despair that swept over me and has stayed with me since we found out that Jonah was gone. I will never forget anything from the hospital or the funeral. I will never be able to stop thinking about my pregnancy with Harper and the hope that it brought us. I will never forget feeling him in a ball when he would move somewhere else in my tummy or how he liked strawberries as well. I will never forget the feeling of disbelief that swept over me when my water broke, the moment I realized that Harper would be born too early. This feeling has stayed with me as well. I will never forget anything from Shands or the funeral. I will carry everything I have concerning both of my boys for the rest of my life and I will never be the same.

I know all of this cannot be in vain...but I so wish it could all be undone and that I could have Jonah and Harper both here with me. Me and Aaron have so much love to give to them, I think that is why it all hurts so bad...this grief is all we can do for them now...and that really sucks.     

Harper's Birth Story

It is with a heavy, heavy heart that I tell you that Harper is now in Heaven with his big brother, Jonah. I am hurt and broken, twice over now. Words just can't express the hopelessness and disappointment that I feel.

On Friday, October 12, we were setting up for a yard sale that we were participating in the next morning. From about 10:00pm to about 12 I was baking brownies and bagging them up to sell at the yard sale. When I went to get ready for bed, I found that I was bleeding a little. I immediately went into panic mode and I remember sitting on the toilet crying to God that this could not be happening! I thought I was fixing to lose Harper. I came out of the bathroom crying hysterically and I told Aaron (my husband) what was going on. We got out the doppler to listen to Harper's heart and we found it immediately. I wish I could tell you that this eased my mind, but it didn't. We laid in bed talking and decided that I had probably just done too much that day and then I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning Aaron got up early and went to the yard sale. I got up and started getting ready but noticed that I was still spotting a little. So, I decided to call the on-call number for my doctor's office just to run it by them and see what they thought. I spoke with Dr.Reed, the on call doctor that weekend. She told me to come in and they would hook me up to a monitor and do an ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. I called Aaron and he came home and got me and we headed to Thomasville to the hospital. Once there, they checked me in, found Harper's heartbeat with the handheld doppler and hooked me up to a monitor to check for contractions. They then sent me to have an ultrasound and I must say this was the loooonnngggeeessstt ultrasound I have ever had! When I got back to my room, Robin, the midwife on call, used a speculum to check me and also checked my cervix with her fingers. She told me she saw that there was some blood but they couldn't figure out what the cause was. They also informed me that I was having some contractions and they told me to drink about 100oz. of water daily because being the slightest bit dehydrated could cause contractions. They sent me home on pelvic rest. I found the couch immediately once I got home.

The spotting continued but I did not feel bad so I assumed that all the water I had been drinking was hydrating me and the spotting was just something that I should not worry about. I work at a desk all day so it is not strenuous at all. I went into work everyday from 8am to 1pm and then I would go home and get on the couch. On Wednesday, around 11am or so, I started feeling really crampy. I left work and went home and got on the couch. I called my doctor's office and spoke with the triage nurse. Since my pain was constant (like I fixing to start my period or like the first day of my period) the nurse told me that I should just lay on a heating pad and take some tylenol. She told me that if it got worse to come in. For the record, I am not so sure it makes sense to EVER tell a pregnant woman to lay on a heating pad for cramps! But, I did what she said all while chugging water to stay hydrated. My pain stayed consistent, but it did not seem to get worse so I never called back. I did not want to be the "girl-who-cried-wolf" and I had a doctor's appointment at Shands in Gainesville the next morning. We were going to Shands to have an echocardiogram to check on Harper's heart because the specialist that I see found a hole in Harper's heart and two choroid plexus cysts on Harper's brain. So, I thought that I would just mention how things had been going while I was there because surely Shands would know what was going on.

The next morning, Thursday, October 18, Aaron and I got up and got ready to head to Gainesville. I noticed that my cramps were not constant now but that they would come and go. We were fixing to walk out the door and I suddenly had the urge to throw-up, and I did. This was very strange to me because when I was 10cm dialated with Jonah, I started trying to throw up (since I had not eaten in a long time I was just dry-heaving). Anyways, we headed to Gainesville. The whole way there I would grimace through the pain. Once at the doctor's office, we waited for over an hour before we were called back. In the ultrasound room I started crying and I told the ultrasound tech what had been going on and that I have a bicornuate uterus and that my first pregnancy had ended in a stillbirth, etc. She did the ultrasound and the doctor came in and looked aroud and told me that Harper had a Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD), aka a hole in his heart. He told me that this could heal on it's own or it could require surgery after he is born but I should not worry about it. He told me that he wanted to send me to Pediatric Cardiology while I was there just so they could get a better look and also do the echocardiogram. I was on the brink of tears because of the pain I was in and because I just felt like something was wrong. He decided to do a vaginal ultrasound to check my cervix. He found that my cervix was shortened and dialated some (he never said how much). He was concerned that I could go into preterm labor as early as 21-22 weeks. I remember thinking, I am 21 weeks?! So, he wanted to admit me to Labor and Delivery and give me meds to try and stop the contractions that I was having and to stop the labor that was apparently beginning.

It took us about one whole hour to get from Dr. Eggerman's office to Labor and Delivery because we had to wait on a shuttle and what not. Once we got to Labor and Delivery I was admitted and put on Morphine and Nifidepene (sp?) and they gave me Zofran. The Morphine was for pain and the Nifidepene was to help relax my uterus so that it would stop contracting. I was in a triage room until they got me to another room. This room was a double room and about 20 minutes or so after I had been there a lady that was 40 weeks pregnant walked by to use the bathroom. She was in the bed next to me and they found her baby's heartbeat and started getting her ready to take to another room so that she could deliver. It sounded like they had her baby's heartbeat hooked up to a microphone and it was all I could hear. Aaron finally mentioned to our nurse that it was hard for us to hear all of that with losing Jonah and now being in preterm labor at 21 weeks. She assured us that she was trying to get us moved to another room as quickly as possible. Eventually I was moved to a room all by myself. Dr. Eggerman and a nurse came in after I had been given my three doses of Dilaudid to check me. I was told that I was 4cm dialated and that my cervix was shortening. I remember the nurse telling me that I needed to know that nothing I had done had caused this, nothing. I remember crying and shaking my head that I understood. They moved me to a delivery room, but I honestly didn't realize that was what type of room I was in. I remember thinking that the contractions were still not stopping and why?! I was in so much pain and I was so worried. Throughout all of this, no one ever told me that I was going to deliver Harper that day, no one. I just kept thinking why aren't the contractions stopping, why isn't this medicine working?

I threw up a couple times throughout all of this. The last time, I sat up in a hurry and started throwing up in this plastic cup thing. While I was throwing up I felt a sudden gush and I swear it sounded like the loudest thing in the world. I immediately looked at Aaron and started hollaring that my water had broke. Aaron told me it was okay and I hollared at him, in panic, "No! It is not okay! Aaron, my water broke, that is NOT okay!" and he told me it wasn't but it was, meaning I had to calm down. I remember feeling like I needed to do something but how could I? It was too early for me to be giving birth to Harper. The doctor at my feet told me to push if I felt like I needed to. I remember babbling about how I couldn't and then before I knew it, Harper was out and I could feel him moving a little. They immediately cleaned Harper up and gave him to us. Harper's heart was beating and he would move his little hands and arms every now and then and he would take breaths of air. He was so tiny but he was so beautiful. I remember staring at him and thinking about how my body, my cervix, my uterus had failed him and that if it weren't for my body, he would have made it and he would have been perfect. Aaron held him while a doctor dug around trying to get my placenta to come out. It was so painful and she just kept on until Aaron finally told her to stop, that I was in so much pain. They then decided that I would have to have a D&C to remove the placenta. Me and Aaron continued to hold Harper and they took some pictures of Harper and of us before they took me to do the D&C. Throughout all of this, I lost half of my blood volume. So, they kept me and watched me to make sure my body was replenishing its blood supply.

Harper took his last breath sometime around midnight while I was in surgery for the D&C. Aaron feels like he was holding him when he took his last breath, and for that I am thankful. We are left with thousands of questions and we are so broken down. This was the last thing we expected, even though pre-term labor, insufficient cervix and retained placentas are all linked with having a bicornuate uterus. Everything just happened so fast.

Harper's funeral will be tomorrow. We ask for your prayers not only tomorrow but in the days and months and even years ahead. This is SO hard, especially on top of losing Jonah just eight months ago.

Harper & Mommy:

  

I Miss You Jonah

 

I miss you Jonah. And today I miss you even more just thinking about how things should have been. It still doesn't seem real to me that I am a mother to a beautiful boy in Heaven. And most days no one notices....that is hard to grasp since I can't stop thinking about you Jonah.

These Days...

Wow, it has been awhile since I last posted, not that I have not thought of a million blog posts since my last post! My mind has been in a whirl to say the least. So, I need to catch you up on my life, I guess.

After Jonah’s death, Aaron and I went to a specialist to rule out any possible causes for whatever happened to Jonah. After tons of blood work Jonah’s death was ruled as something that “just happened” and we were told that we may never know. We were told that when we were ready, we could try for more children. Aaron and I knew that in order to continue living, I mean really living, we would need to have a child. You see, seeing our sweet Jonah’s face only made us want a child all the more, despite the hurt in our hearts. In May I decided to buy an Ovulation Predictor Kit, just to make sure that my body was back to normal. After a week and a half of testing twice a day (yes, I know that you are supposed to test once a day...I am a freak!) I finally got a positive. I ran outside to Aaron with the pee stick in my hand to tell him that I was ovulating. He was happy and asked what that meant now. Well, to be honest, I only wanted to see if I was back to normal because if I decided to start trying later on and found out that my body was not "normal" yet, I was going to be mad, upset, etc. But the more I thought about it, I thought that maybe this was my one chance to try...what if I never ovulated again? I would not want to look back and regret that I let the moment slip through my hands. So next thing we know, we are pregnant again. Everything looked good at my first appointment, and while I was scared to death, everything looked healthy. I started having spotting a couple of weeks later, which I also did so with Jonah. I went in to my OB/GYN for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok. During this ultrasound we found a subchorionic bleed which was probably the cause of my spotting, but we also found out that I have a bicornuate uterus. A bicornuate uterus is heart-shaped with two joined cavities whereas a typical uterus has a single cavity. In my case, I have two almost separate uteri. This is now what we think could have caused Jonah’s death. A bicornuate uterus can lead to pregnancy loss, preterm labor, etc. So, we began to carefully monitor this pregnancy, even though we were going in every two weeks to begin with.

We found out at 15 weeks that we are having another little boy, Mr. Harper Bailey Willis. We told our families and close friends that same week, stressing to them that while we know that they are all so excited for us, that God has blessed us with another child in the midst of our deep sadness, we are still keeping our guard up and we do not want to discuss this pregnancy like we did with Jonah. There is just so much fear this time, and it is easier on our hearts if people understand that. Our hearts are still grieving over Jonah and we are nervous about Harper because we already love him so much as well. 

We went in for our 18 week ultrasound to measure Harper's growth as well as my uterus' growth. I was nervous all day and I just had a bad feeling, but I only thought there could be something wrong with Harper's growth or my uterus not expanding like it should. The songrapher saw two choroid plexus cysts on Harper's brain and noticed a bright spot in Harper's heart so an appointment was scheduled with my specialist. I was so upset that day, because my OB/GYN told me that these two things are sometimes markers for Trisomy 18 or Down Syndrome. Our appoinment with the specialist was October 3. Dr. Willis, the specialist, saw the cysts and he also told us that he thinks there is a hole in the septum that divides the left and right sides of Harper's heart. He seemed more concerned with Harper's heart than he did the cysts. Harper's growth is measuring perfect, which is a good sign, something that is not usual with Trisomy 18 or Down Syndrome. It is possible that Harper could not have either of these chromosomal abnormalities and that he has a congenital heart defect. Dr. Willis is sending us to Shands in Gainesville to see a Fetal Heart Specialist. I am 20 weeks pregnant right now so I will be 21 weeks and 2 days at my appointment at Shands next week.

It is difficult to explain the many emotions that we are feeling as we travel through this. We would however appreciate it if you would pray for us. Please pray for peace and comfort for me and Aaron because it is a daily struggle even though we know that God is in control. We ask that you please pray specifically for Harper, that he would grow strong and healthy and that his heart would do the same so that we can deliver him and bring him home and raise him up in the Lord. It is a strong desire of ours that people understand that Harper will never take the place of Jonah and he will never “fix” what happened to us in Jonah’s death. We will never be the same as we were before. We will always be missing and grieving Jonah, even in the midst of this scary time filled with worrying and fear for Harper. So, again we covet your prayers in the days and months ahead. Hopefully I will do a better job of keeping you posted!

Six Months

Jonah,
I cannot believe that it has been six months....half of a year....since I held you in my arms. I cannot believe how heartbroken I am still. It is as if time means nothing to this broken heart of mine because I still cringe at the thought of all that happened on February 1 and the days leading up to it. I still want to run out of the room when someone starts talking about babies and pregnancy and their own children. I still tell God that this is some horrible mistake, you can't really be gone. I still look at your pictures everyday and I think about how precious and beautiful you were. I still wonder what you would have looked like as you got older and your personality set in.

I am still trying to figure out where I go from here and I am afraid that I will never figure it out. But then again, I don't think this is something that I am mean't to figure out, at least not here on earth anyway. I think I will always be stumbling around this life, as if in the dark, because the light surely dimmed for me when you were taken so soon from me. But I guess that is okay too because my eyes are learning how to adjust to this new lighting, painful as it is. The truth is, I live and breath you Jonah. Apart from you and your Daddy and Ruby, I don't know a thing.

So, this is how it is for me, six months later, Jonah. I still miss you and ache for you terribly. I'm so sorry that I am not stronger than this. I am still wrestling with God, still pitching a fit. But I think, or rather, hope He understands. I love you baby boy, so much! I love you so much, that is why I am having a hard time recovering...I just wanted you SO bad, Jonah...

Becoming A Hermit

I think I'm going to become a hermit. I will go to work, church and the YMCA but that is it. These days crowds give me anxiety, especially crowded restaurants. I can't seem to go anywhere without feeling like I don't belong or like everyone in the room is looking at me or talking about how I am doing. Just last night I felt like I was going to lose my composure while waiting with my husband for my sister and brother in law to show up for dinner at a local restaurant. I sighed in relief when they finally walked through the door. Today I had a yard sale with my Mama and older sister, Erin, at my Mama's house. This lady showed up with her nine, yes nine, kids in tow. I recognize this lady because I have heard all about her before. She gives birth to all of her kids at home without any medical help. And she has nine kids and I can't have just one, just Jonah. After I saw this lady walk up I couldn't shake this from my mind, and then I saw this other lady that has 5 or 6 of her own children, so I went to the bathroom and had a good sob fest...and no one knew. I went back outside and tried to keep it together until my Mama felt the need to point out to me that the lady had nine kids, to which I snapped an told her thanks for pointing that out to me and that I already knew that an I went back to the bathroom and continued my earlier sob fest. I am just so mad that Jonah is gone and I refuse to sugar-coat it. The worst part is, I don't feel like this anger will ever subside, ever. So, for now I am becoming a hermit, crowds and greedy people are overrated anyway.

My Sweet Friend

A very dear friend of mine lost her baby yesterday. She was 12 weeks along. Not to mention that her first pregnancy ended in the stillbirth of her baby girl, Olivia and for the past year my friend has been struggling with fertility issues... I am just so heartbroken for my friend and her husband. So devastated and mad and frustrated. I do not understand why she must face all of this difficulty and heartache. I do not understand why God allows these things...especially repeatedly. But I know I am not supposed to understand God's ways. I just can't stop thinking about my friend and the new found hope she had when she found out she was pregnant, only to have it all taken away again...and this just makes me mad. There is really no other way to put it. I am mad. At God. At life. At others who have no idea of the depth of her pain. At myself and my own loss. I am just plain mad. Olivia, Jonah and this sweet little baby...how we wish we could have you this side of Heaven...we can't wait to be with you one day.

Thinking About You

Jonah, you are ALL that I think about! I can't stop thinking about being pregnant with you. About strawberries and seabands and endless thoughts of life with you. I can't stop replaying in my head everything that happened during the worst week of my life: finding out that your little heart was not beating, going to the hospital to be induced, delivering you....every.single.thing.about that week. I go to your room and I imagine it being complete. One day I even had the crazy notion that I should finish it...but I just can't, knowing that you will never get to enjoy it...but I still imagine it done. I look in your closet and it makes me mad that you will never get to wear those clothes. And don't even get me started on that Charlie Brown and Snoopy wall decal...I don't know how I will ever take it down...

And...it still hurts so bad to know that everyone else's life keeps moving forward and I am stuck here, mostly because I don't know where to go from here...from life without you, Jonah. But that is just the thing...my life will never be "without you" because you are so intertwined in it all for me. The struggle lies in marrying the past and the present for me....figuring out how to live with you gone while still moving forward...I'm really struggling, Jonah...really, really struggling.

Eric Church says it better than I can:

"Broken down and messed up
I never saw your leaving comin’ but
I sure felt it when ya left
Memory button stuck on repeat
Mind skippin’ like a record machine
Over and over that goodbye scene
Keeps spinnin’ in my head

It keeps haunting me
And there ain’t no maybe about it
The hurt keeps calling me
Come on out we got you surrounded"

Jonah, I get so mad and bitter...so mad that other people do not appreciate what they have...so bitter that everyone seems to have it all handed to them, and you were snatched from me...so mad that people act like my life should be back to "normal" now, and mad that other people do not treat me the same as they used to.

I have never experienced so many emotions at the same time, like I do these days. Anger, Bitterness, Sadness, Loneliness, etc....and then the craziest one of all: Joy. Joy that God trusted me with you for 26 weeks and 6 days. Joy that you were and are forever mine. My.Very.Own.Jonah...I am so amazed that you are mine :)...This is the hardest thing, Jonah...but you were are worth it all!

I love you, Jonah :)

A Lifetime Of Loss

When I was 14, my Mama and Daddy sat me and my two sisters down in our living room to tell us that my Daddy had a brain tumor. I could not have known just how much those words were going to change my life, but they did. My Daddy had a biopsy that ruled his tumor as cancerous, a stage 4 glioblastoma if I am correct. He underwent Chemo, radiation and tried several experimental drugs through Duke University. Eventually, my Daddy got tired of all of the medicines and the sickness that he felt because of them and decided to just live however much more time that he had, feeling as best as he could by not trying anymore experimental drugs. He could not use one side of his body and his speech was almost non-existent toward the end. On January 28, 2002, my Daddy died in our living room, with my Mama by his side.

My Daddy's battle with cancer and his death has shaped my life over the past ten years. I have known pain that most teenagers that I know do not. I saw face-to-face that death is always lurking in the shadows and it comes when we least expect it. I have had to walk down the 50 yard-line for Homecoming with my brother-in-law, instead of my Daddy. I had to walk down the aisle without him there as well. So many things that I always dreamed he would be a part of, he was not...at least not in the physical sense. And while all of this sucked at the time....I mean, really sucked...I knew that God was using my Daddy and my family to bring glory and honor to His Name. And that was comforting, even though the sadness and hurt were there, I was comforted.

Fast forward to January 28, 2012. I always anticipate this day. I always know that it is not going to be a great day. I will be sad and I will let myself think about everything that happened with my Daddy and my family. This was no different this year except for the anger. Looking back now, I feel like I must have known deep, deep down that my baby boy, my Jonah was not going to be okay. I had already spent the past several days trying to figure out why Jonah was not moving. I remember sitting in church that night, on January 28 and just being mad. I was mad thinking about how my Daddy and my Papa (another precious soul, gone too soon from me) would never get to see Jonah. I was mad that they would not be there to see my first child and to "ooo" and "aaahh" at him. I remember getting up to go to the bathroom during the music part of the service. The whole time walking there and back to my seat, I just had this anger swelling up inside of me. And then, the following day I would find out that Jonah's heart was not beating...and that a different kind of anger would not go away from me.

Since I lost Jonah, I have found a new kind of peace about my Daddy's death, and my Papa's for that matter. I don't long for them to be here anymore. Or is my longing for Jonah so strong that I cannot sense that longing for my Daddy and Papa? I am not sure but I am sure of this: despite the hurt and sadness of losing my Daddy, and losing him the way that I did, it does not even compare to this loss that I feel for my Jonah. Not that grief is meant to be compared, because it is not. Now, I will say this: I have felt anger towards my Daddy in losing Jonah. I am angry that he was so selfish as to take my baby up to Heaven with him...I mean he has pretty good company up there as it is, couldn't he quit hogging everybody :)!

This journey of loss is so much more different, though. In losing Jonah, I have lost who I ever was. My relationships - everyone of them - have changed, a few for the better but most of them for the worse. I have lost the body that I should have appreciated! I have lost my patience, my drive and my desire for so many things...I have lost so much more than I could ever put into words on a blog post. I am bitter and I am afraid that I always will be. I am mad and I'm afraid that will always stick around as well. This sadness that I feel, well we all know that it is definitely here to stay, too.

The difference for me, Daddy's death vs. Jonah's death, is that with Jonah's I can not see how God is or is going to use it. People will forget...I will not. People will wonder why the sadness in my eyes...I will know the reason, but they won't. So, I find myself wondering if this was a lesson in faith and in life that will only have lasting effects on me and Aaron...and maybe those close family members that let it? Couldn't He have taught me or gotten my attention in a different way? Am I that hard of hearing that He had to shout at me? Or am I just not supposed to be able to hold onto the men (or boys) that come into my life for long? If that is the case....I'm heading to get Aaron right now! If I hold him down, maybe he can stay for longer than I am allowed...just maybe.

Follows Me

It is strange to me how this sadness follows me. I feel like I have been doing better lately but that seems to always be short lived. We left this afternoon and headed to the beach and the farther from home we got, the stronger this ache seemed to get. It's like with each mile I realize that no matter how far I go, how long it has been the ache for Jonah just grows stronger. I am so sad tonight that Jonah is not here, with us. It is a painful realization several times a day, everyday...and I hate that. Missing you Jonah...again, that's nothing new...

My First Mother's Day Without You

I am a mother, of this I am sure. Jonah, I carried you for seven months and I loved you every minute. I took care of myself so that you would be the healthiest baby possible. I fed you colorful foods and strawberries, your favorite, every single day. I took you to the gym and on walks all the time. I thought about you every minute of the day, and I still do. I wanted everything to be perfect for you...I love you in ways I never knew that I would, Jonah. So, today as I sit at home and think of all the mothers who are quick to point out that I do not know what it is like to have a child and take care of him, I know they are wrong. I know that I was and am the best mother that I could ever dream of being. I love you sweet Jonah and I know that you have always known that and you always felt my love for you. And in case you are wondering, this little blessing is keeping me company today as I am missing you:

Your big sister, Ruby :)

Her precious puppy paws

I know that Ruby is a blessing that could only come from God, to help keep me company on the saddest and loneliest days without you here. And I think she does a pretty good job :).

I know you would have loved Ruby Doo and she would have loved you, too :). We are missing you today, Jonah...but that is nothing new.

Sorrow & Joy

"...the inability to separate the sorrow from the joy in life. I find that they are inextricably woven, never to be pulled fully from each other in this life." - Angie Smith, I Will Carry You

Today I have seen several friends, or aquaintances if you will, post pictures of their newborn babies on their Facebook pages. Today I have thought about how different my life would be this week, with a newborn baby at home. Today I have been bitter, bitter towards others, towards this life, towards this lot that I have been given...and I hate that. I want to be happy for these new little families as they welcome into the world healthy babies, I really want to. But my pain is still overwhelming me most of the time and I can not see past my questions. Are they really better at being parents than me and Aaron would have been? I mean, Aaron is home way more than these other daddies, who are so busy doing their favorite hobby to devote any time to their families at home. Why? Why me? Why us? Why couldn't we just have a normal life, void of such pain and suffering? I know that I will never have answers to these questions, at least not this side of Heaven. But that doesn't stop me from asking them.

I read Angie Smith's book, "I Will Carry You," the other day and if you have not read it, I HIGHLY recommend it! Even if you have never lost a child. One of the things I highlighted as I read was the quote at the top of this post. Angie Smith nailed it on the head. In this life, sorrow and joy are so woven together, you can't have one without the other. I am filled with so much sorrow over not having my Jonah here with me. It hurts me so much to be apart from him. Yet, I have so much joy in knowing that he was is my child and that God trusted me with him for the little bit of time that He did. I cannot begin to tell you the joy I will feel one day when I find out that I am pregnant again or when I have a living, breathing child here with me. But, I know that the joy I will feel will only be possible because of the deep sorrow I have felt and still feel and will always feel.

It is awful to me to think that there can be no joy without sorrow in this life. But at the same time, just the thought of this is beautiful. Afterall, I guess the whole reason we are where we are is because of the joy and sorrow that surrounded the death of Christ...so it makes sense that life would be made up of things that can point us only to Him. That is not to say that it is fine with me or that I am not still pitching a fit at God...begging Him to please let me wake up from this! But I know this is not in vain...even though it hurts so much and it is something I would never have volunteered for...this is not in vain.

Can I just say that I am so broken? Broken like I have never been before. Broken into so many pieces that I know I can never be put back together again, at least not in the same way that I was before. I ache so deep inside that I never knew pain could go that deep.

But this is not in vain....I have to keep telling myself this....
Jonah was not in vain...not his life and surely not his death...

As always, I'm missing you sweet Jonah, so much...

Jonah's Due Date, May 4

Yesterday was the day that I was supposed to be due with Jonah. It was a day that I had been dreading since I realized that Jonah would not be here on the 4th. So, I took the whole day off of work, as did Aaron. We decided that we would go by the cemetery and see Jonah and then head to St. George Island for the day. Once we finally made it to the beach, it was a pleasant day and I am so thankful for the time me and Aaron got to spend together, away from everybody. We did a little shopping in Tallahassee on the way home and then we came home to see our precious Ruby (again, this is my dog that feels like my child!) and hang out with her before we called it a day and all piled in bed :). It was a good day but it was a hard day...one filled with thoughts of what the day would've been or even should've been. I can say that I know God has a plan and a purpose for all of this pain but I also know that this is a pain and an ache that will never let-up and will never go away, until the day that I hold Jonah in my arms and know that we are together again. I literally ache to my core....and I carry this shadow of pain with me as a constant companion. But I know "beauty will rise from these ashes." That is the only thing that helps me put one foot in front of the other.

Jonah,
I miss you more with each passing day! I know you are so much better off in Heaven with Jesus...and I know that you know how much me and your Daddy love you. We are so sad to know that we will never get to bring you home, to meet Ruby and to raise you up as a Godly little man! But we will see you again, sweet boy. And even as I type this I know that the day we see you again is much too far away...even if that day is tomorrow! I love you so much, Jonah...so much more than I ever thought I could love anyone, besides your Daddy!

Jonah in the Belly of the Whale

I know the title of this post has got you wondering! The whale that my Jonah was in would be yours truly :)...I thought it was a pretty good title, considering! Moving on...

This is the last picture of me and Jonah together. This was taken one week to the day that I met my sweet Jonah, even though he was sleeping:

When I look at this picture, I see me - as carefree and as happy as I ever remember being. I remember that even to this point, I couldn't believe that me and Aaron were going to have a baby! I couldn't believe that my stomach was going to get bigger than what it already was.

When I look at this picture, I can't help but think that the girl in this picture, she is naive. Naive like I wish I could be now. But, I know that I will never get to be this girl again, try as I may. For the rest of my days, I will be careful, always thinking that something is going to happen or something is going to surprise me...and not in a good way.

When I look at this picture, I can't help but wonder if Jonah was still with me even in the instance that the picture was taken. The day before he had been. Oh yes, his heart was beating at 150 beats per minute...and we thought he was doing great. It haunts me...the thought that maybe even in this "last" picture, Jonah's heart might have already stopped beating. I look at Jonah's picture, the one the nurses took at the hospital, and I try to decide how long it probably was that Jonah's heart did not beat before I delivered him. I know I will never figure that out, and I know that I am not a doctor or scientist or anything, so how should I know....but I wonder...

I wonder why such a heavy burden to bear, yet added to it is the lack of understanding from others...which makes this load all the more hard to handle. I mean, it IS enough that I must bear the loss of my precious Jonah Bentley...so why should I feel like no one "gets" that I will never be over him, considering how hard this is anyways? It is pure torture...it is cruel and unfathomable.

Anyways, I watched a movie with Aaron today, We Bought A Zoo, and it was pretty good. I will leave you with this:

Benjamin Mee (referring to his wife, who died): What I figured out is that when you love somebody that much, that hard, that long, you can never get away from them, no matter where you go. And that only comes once in a lifetime. Just can't get a......handle on it. I cannot let go.

Oh Jonah...these are my thoughts exactly, sweet boy :)...

Trying To Bring Me Down

Well...the Devil is trying to see just how much I can take until I break. I have heard nothing but awful news since this week started and it is only Monday! I feel like the Devil is literally watching me and saying, "what if I throw this on her, will she still turn to God even then? I think not!" My faith is in You God, for I would not have made it this far if it was not. Please don't let the work of your hands be in vain! As You draw me and Aaron close to You, please tell the Devil to flee!!! He is not welcome here...we cannot take anymore of his bullcrap, please!

Just Some Thoughts

I am not really sure how to make all of my thoughts flow in this post so I am just going to number off some of the things going through my head this week.

1. I started back to work this week and it was very hard. Come Wednesday morning, I had a royal breakdown in my boss' office. Now, I am not saying I just started crying in front of my boss. Oh no, and besides, she has seen that plenty of times so that is no big deal! I am talking sobbing-snot-dripping-out-of-my-nose-voice-cracking-crazy-person-about-to-lose-it-big-time breakdown! It was humiliating! Michelle (that's my boss) decided that it would probably be better and easier for me if I eased back into work. So, starting today, I will be working from 8am to 1pm for awhile, just until I feel like I can "rejoin the real world."

While I welcome the chance to go home and be alone with my thoughts and my grief and my sweet Ruby (that is my dog), I can't help but feel defeated...like I am admitting that I am not strong enough or capable enough to get through what used to be a normal day for me. That is what is so humiliating to me. But honestly, I cannot fake-it and pretend like I am just fine all day until I get home. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to do that but I am nowhere near that strong these days.

2. I hate that some people do not even know about what has happened to me. At work, one of the ladies in the warehouse told me she thought I had quit since she hadn't seen me in awhile. So, I had to tell her where I had been and do you think that I could tell her without crying? Absolutely not...Another girl, a girl I was in choir with in high school, ran into me on Tuesday and she asked me, "Isn't your sister pregnant?" to which I had to reply with the truth...it was me...I lost him...

Which leads me to my next number:

3. Being a twin adds a whole different element to my story. People that run into me see that I do not have a baby-bump, just the leftovers of one!, and they assume that it is Sarah, my twin sister who is pregnant. They then proceed to ask me about her and her pregnancy and I have to tell them it was me, not Sarah. Quite a few people have gone up to Sarah and hugged her and started crying, etc., thinking that Sarah is me and Sarah doesn't know what to say. Does she tell them they have the wrong one or does she just let them think she is me? I feel sorry for her because she gets some of the stares mean't for me...she gets a glimpse, be it ever so small, into this dark place I am in these days.

I just wish none of this had ever happened and I was still pregnant with my Jonah, anxiously awaiting May 4, the day I would finally get to meet my sweet, healthy baby boy. It just seems so unreal to me sometimes that this is really my life, filled with such sorrow.

Creeping Up

It is crazy how it just creeps up on you. You can make it through a couple of hours or even a couple days and think that everything is going to be just fine, you will rise above, and then there it is...that knot in your stomach. It starts out there, you all of a sudden feel sick to your stomach as it gradually creeps up to your throat and swells into this enormous lump and you find yourself gasping for air. Then the tears come, the unexplainable tears...and it is all you can do to find a wall, the floor, the bed, anything to hold you up when the wailing begins.

This has been my morning...crying and watering flowers in my yard and then crying some more and then washing some clothes and then crying some more...and it goes on and on and on. I honestly think to myself sometimes that I will be able to make it in this life and I will be able to find some sort of semi-joy again but then the sadness, the loss, the ache just creeps up and reminds me that who am I kidding? My firstborn son was taken from me. I will never get to hold him again. I will never not ache for him, not tomorrow, not next month and not in the years to come. I will never understand why I did not deserve to be Jonah's mother, here on earth. I will never understand why I got to plan and consume myself with my Jonah for almost seven months, never to get to follow through with any of it.

I can't even explain half of the tears when they do creep up. For just no reason at all, I can't keep myself composed, I just have to let it out. I wonder what Jonah is thinking up there in Heaven as he looks down on me...she needs to be stronger...wow, she really did love me and want me more than I realized...will she ever be okay?...I'm really trying to get through this but it is much too much for me sometimes, sweet Jonah...much too much.

Six Weeks

So, it has been six weeks since I delivered my precious Jonah...six miserable weeks. I feel like I am making it through the days a lot better than I was at first but as soon as I think I am doing okay, I have a breakdown and it all comes crashing down. Since my last post, I have started my period for the first time since delivery, braved Wal-Mart in my hometown (!) and I have been to a specialist to discuss what happened to Jonah.



I went to a Maternal-Fetal Medicine Specialist, Dr. Willis, in Tallahassee on Tuesday. This trip to Tallahassee was awful...me and Aaron could not find the doctor's office so we fussed until we walked into the waiting room. Once we got in there, this pregnant lady and her husband were sitting across the room from us and I promise you that this lady stared me down the WHOLE time. I was seconds away from asking her what she was looking at when the nurse called my name. Me and Aaron followed the nurse to a room with a big, high-tech ultrasound machine. I sat down in a chair and the nurse said, "You can get on the table," as she started to put her latex gloves on. I asked her why and she proceeded to tell me that I was going to have an ultrasound. I kept asking her why and then I told her, "I'm not pregnant." She looked at my chart and said, "Oh, you're a non-pregnant consult" as if I didn't know that. Seriously, I didn't need her to remind me. So, by this time the strong woman I was determined to be for this doctor's appointment went into hiding somewhere deep inside of me. The nurse then took me and Aaron to Dr. Willis' office and closed the door. While we waited for the doctor, I just busted out crying telling Aaron, "So much for not crying through this whole thing!" as he grumbled about the nurse and how this was a "specialist's" office. Dr. Willis was very professional and thorough. He was really nice and decided to order a bunch of blood work (10 tubes of blood!) so that we can rule out some things. I went yesterday to LabCorp in Valdosta to have the blood drawn and we should hear back about all of it within two weeks. If the blood work does not show anything, then we are back where we started, with no answer. If the blood work does show something, hopefully we can treat whatever it is and I will never have to lose another baby in the future. I really want some answers because A.) I think I deserve that and B.) I need to know that this will not happen again before I even consider getting pregnant again.

I am really sad that my maternity leave is over after this week. I go back to work on Monday, March 19. I am SO dreading going back to the place that I used to go everyday. I would sit at my desk everyday, my mind consumed with thoughts of this little tiny baby boy that was going to change my whole life and I kept my hand on my stomach, almost as if I was trying to will Jonah to move so that I could feel this little creation of me and Aaron's. I would search Pinterest and Etsy all day long if I had nothing else to do, trying to find all sorts of things for Jonah....I can't do that anymore. I can't pass the time each day waiting for Jonah because he is not coming and I'm pretty sure everyone would start talking about me if I kept at it like nothing has happened to Jonah...the guys upstairs would probably run and tell my boss that I needed psychiatric help.

I just feel like the whole world should have stopped...I mean, my baby boy DIED before I could ever meet him! To go back to work and my old routine is going to feel like I am continuing on and that is absurd to me. My life kinda stopped the moment I was told that Jonah's heart was not beating....my heart stopped beating and I have no idea how on earth I am going to be able to fake-it.

Jonah, I had no idea how much you really were going to change my world....I can't stand the thought that you are gone from me my sweet baby boy. Oh, how I love you so!

What I Lost

So, if you were to ask Aaron what I do all day, he would probably say that I go to the YMCA and then come home and read blogs by people who have had stillbirths the rest of the day. He is not entirely correct but I do find myself reading those kind of blogs all throughout each day.

Anyway, I was reading one of those said blogs this morning and the topic of this lady's post was realizing what exactly it was that she lost when she gave birth to her stillborn son. This lady put it so perfectly and it got me thinking. So many times when a person is grieving, people surround that person immediately and as soon as the funeral and all is over those people are gone. Over the next few weeks people send cards and flowers on occasion but then suddenly that stops, too. It is almost as if everyone else is over your grief, you should be, too. But this is not the case when you lose your child, the child you never got to know. No...this grief I believe follows you around for the rest of your days, like a shadow that covers everything you try to do.

I was outside with Ruby and I started thinking about what exactly was it that was so horribly sad about the death of my poor Jonah. It is sad that I had to carry Jonah for almost seven months, not knowing that I would never get to bring this sweet baby home. It is sad that all of my future plans, that already had him in them, were just snatched from me. It is sad that I had to bury my child...I mean, pick out his plot, casket and headstone...and I am only 25 years old. All these things are devastatingly sad, but the saddest reason of all is that I will never get to watch Jonah grow up. I will never get to stop grieving over my Jonah because I did not only lose my 26 weeks and 6 days old baby boy, I lost my terrible two-year old, I lost hearing the innocent little prayers of my four-year old, I lost my nine year-old little boy who thinks all girls have cooties. I also lost my 15 year old child and the nervous wreck that he would make me while learning how to drive. I lost my 21 year old son, who is just getting out on his own. I lost my 25 year old son who just married the love of his life. I not only lost my son at all of those different ages and stages of life, I lost the relationship I would have formed with his wife and children, my grandchildren. I lost the chance of seeing the look on Aaron's face as he sees his first-born son learn to ride a bike, catch a fish and hit a home-run to win the game. I lost watching Jonah and Ruby play together everyday, forming a bond that only they could. I will never get to know if Jonah's hair would have stayed dark brown like mine or turned white-blond like Aaron's was when he was little. I will never get to know if Jonah's eyes were electric green like his daddy's or dark brown like mine. Would he have the same wit and charm as his daddy or would he be sappy and serious like me? Would he have been a "Mama's Boy" or a "Daddy's Boy"? There is so much I will never get to know.

I may reach a point when I can go around town to crowded restaurants, etc. and not be scared that I am going to break-down or that someone I know will be there and say something to me so I lose my composure...I do not see that day in my near future. But, all the same, I know that day will come, no matter how far away it is. But I also know that I will always be sensitive to this loss...always. I know that even after I am in a "better place" in my life, I will still have days and moments when the sorrow is just too much to bear and the tears will flow, relentlessly. For you see, I will have just lost my son, only each time he is not the baby boy without a heartbeat...each time he is my Jonah, at a different point in his life and I am sad that I can't see who he would have been.

I miss you, Jonah and I love you oh so much!

I'm Not Who I Was

I have been having a rough couple of days...rougher than what has become my normal. I went to church for the second Sunday in a row and I think today was harder than last Sunday. All through church I was arguing with God...I was telling Him, in my mind, just how mad I am at Him. I am mad that He thought that my child, my one and only child, would be better off anywhere else but in my arms. I am mad that God let me carry my precious Jonah for almost seven months, making me think that he was mine when in truth, I would never really get to have him. I am mad that God let me experience this with my first and only pregnancy, making any future pregnancy that I may ever have a time of absolute fear. I am mad that He chose me and Aaron to bear this cross that NO ONE should ever have to bear...absolutely no one. I am mad that for the rest of my life, this cloud of sadness will follow me from room to room and place to place. I am mad that no matter what happiness life brings my way, every moment will be bittersweet because Jonah is not here. I am mad that I am forced now to live with this gaping wound that won't heal while others look at me as if I need to move on and get over it. I am mad that I feel so alone because no one (besides someone who has experienced a loss such as this) knows how I feel. I am mad that there will come a day when people will look at me and think that I am okay and that the pain has stopped when in reality, it will hurt all the more just because with each passing day I feel it get stronger and stronger. I am mad because I am no longer who I was before all of this and I never will be that girl again. I am mad in more ways than I can type out at God because He knew this would happen all along...He knew that everything that has happened in my life has led me to the day that I lost Jonah.

At the same time, I know God has a purpose and I know God has a plan even though I can't possibly see it right now. I know that Jonah is in Heaven, a perfect place. I know that God will use me and Aaron and this horrible, horrible tragedy that is our lives if we will let Him. I know all of this stuff all too well...BUT, that doesn't make the hurt go away, that doesn't make me miss Jonah any less, that doesn't make me okay with what happened, that doesn't dry my tears, that doesn't make this permanent ache that I feel go away at all and that doesn't make me wanna leave my house and face the stares and the meaningless words that people will offer, thinking they can somehow make this better.

So, by the end of church, I was feeling like I was not the strong Christian woman that I have always thought myself to be. I have never been naive enough to think that just because I am a Christian, troubles will not come my way. But I honestly never thought in a million years that when Jesus said I would have to give up everything to follow Him, He would mean that I would have to live without my child...my heart. It floors me to think that He would even have that in the cards for me...

After church was over, a close friend of mine came up to me and gave me a folded up note and told me to read it but that he wanted it back. When I got in the car I opened it up. It was a letter I had written to him when I was 18 years old and his brother had died. In the note I wrote out the verses of Joshua 4:5-7. These verses are about the stones from the Jordan being a memorial to the people of Israel and what God had done for these people. I then wrote this to my friend:

"God is always faithful and He always keeps His promises, no matter what your Jordan River looks like. God promises that He will not only part the waters for you, He will walk through it with you."

I think this was God's response to our conversation during church. Yes, God saw this coming from 100 miles away and yes, God is letting me feel this pain that goes all the way to the core of my being and yes, the answers to what happened seem to elude me but God has promised me that He will be with me. He will hold me while I cry all the time...He will take care of Jonah until that sweet day when I get to hold my baby boy and feel breath in his chest...me and Aaron don't have to go through this alone because God is hurting with us. So, God understands my frustrations and He understands that I am mad at Him at the very same time that I am seeking comfort from Him...and He understands that I will NEVER understand and I will NEVER be able to shake Jonah and my experience with him from my thoughts as long as I live...and that does not make me any less of a Christian.

I miss you so, sweet Jonah...more than you could possibly know...

Three Weeks Later

The place that I work told me to take as much time off as I needed and I decided to take my maternity leave. I just could not see going back to the place where I sat day after day daydreaming about Jonah and how things would be once he arrived. I used to search all over the web in my downtime at work to find things for Jonah's room or to get ideas for pictures I wanted to have taken of Jonah. Every thought I had the past almost seven months at work was always about Jonah in some way or another.

So, this is week three of my maternity leave. I can't believe it has been three weeks since everything happened and I can't believe how fast time is flying by. My days consist of going to work-out at the YMCA with my sister Erin and my friend Shianna, walking at home with Ruby and thinking about Jonah constantly. Not one moment goes by in a day that he is not in my thoughts...not one single moment at all. At first I did not go anywhere unless I was going with Aaron to another town, where I would not see anyone that I knew and that is what we did the first week or so. Aaron only worked half-days so he could be with me more and so that we could just get aways some afternoons. Last Sunday I started going back to church and to Grunt's (my grandma's) for lunch afterwards but that is the extent of my outings in Moultrie (besides the YMCA to work-out). I have also went out to eat twice (reluctantly) in town with friends, trying to get me out of the house. I just have no desire to...nothing matters to me or seems important except for Jonah and this pain that I feel and I don't care to see people that I know who will say stupid things to me, trying to make things better when in reality, there is nothing they could possibly say that would make this better. Everything else in life, besides this hurt and loss that me and Aaron feel just seems so petty and pointless now.

February 1, 2012

On Tuesday, January 31, me and Aaron arrived at Archbold Medical Center in Thomasville at 7:50am, 20 minutes late. We are late for everything, so why not on one of the worst days of our lives, too? We went to registration where, fyi: the people checking you in know nothing about your story. The lady that was getting me registered asked me if this was my first child and I said yes, as tears started to well up in my eyes and stream down my face. She assured me that there was nothing to worry about and she kept on until Aaron had to tell her the awful truth that surrounded why I was checking in to be induced that day. I knew that she didn't know but it still hurt...They loaded me into a wheel chair and took me to Labor and Delivery, with Aaron walking behind us the whole way. I fought back tears that whole ride and I remember thinking that none of these people that I was passing knew why I was there, none of them knew that I was being shuffled off to give birth to my son whose heart was no longer beating, none of these people knew that in a couple days I would be burying my baby.

Dr. Bruhn came in and did one more ultrasound, at my request, just to make sure that nothing had changed...and much to my dismay, nothing had changed. My nurse was a lady named Laura and she was so nice. I got into my hospital gown, with Aaron's help, and once I got in the bed, Laura came and put my IV in. I don't know why but I thought that everything would go smoothly, seeing as how my child was taken away from me, but I was wrong. It took Laura three tries to get the IV started, but it was not her fault. I had not eaten since 5:30pm the day before and even though my veins were very visible, it took three times. Once we got everything situated, Dr. Bruhn came in at 9am to give me four Cytotec (sp?) vaginally....and yeah, you read that right...extremely uncomfortable is all I will say. The Cytotec was what was going to induce my labor. So then we just waited. Me and Aaron's whole families were there all day, coming in and out of the room and the waiting room area to check on us and show their love and concern. My back started to hurt and I was cramping and just uncomfortable. At 3pm Dr. Bruhn checked me and I was only 1cm. dilated. So, she gave me some more Cytotec vaginally. She also said I could have some Stadall (sp?) to help with some of the pain. After reassuring me that it would wear off after a couple of hours, I decided that I wanted some. I just did not want to miss a thing, especially since I would only have so much time to hold and see Jonah, as opposed to the rest of his life. At 9pm, Dr. Bruhn checked me and I was around 2cm. dilated, but I was hurting pretty bad. They told me that I could get my epidural and it would probably help to relax me and speed things up so I agreed that it was time for that. Dr. Beason came up and did the epidural. Aaron let me squeeze his hands as hard as I could the whole time, and he was the absolute best partner ever to have while getting an epidural. My nurse Laura came and said goodbye and introduced us to our new nurse for the night, Heather. Then we waited some more...Dr. Bruhn came in and checked me around 3am, I was still 2cm. and she gave me some more Cytotec vaginally. I remember falling asleep and waking up around 5am or so. I was sweating and burning up and I was so uncomfortable. My right side and right side of my back was hurting so bad. I felt like I was going to be sick and Aaron moved the trashcan near to the side of the bed for me, but I hadn't ate in awhile so it was just me, dry-heaving. I got Aaron to call the nurse because I told him that I needed Dr. Bruhn, that I just could not do this anymore. The nurse kind of acted like I was just a put-on and after gathering all of the trash in the room (!) she decided she would go call Dr. Bruhn. Dr. Bruhn came in around 5:40am and checked me and I was 10cm. dilated! She looked at me and said she needed me to push. I was so shocked and scared that the moment was finally here.

Jonah was breech and we knew that from the beginning. I didn't have to push for too long and once I knew Jonah was out, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. Babies were supposed to be crying once they entered the world, but in our room there was no sound at all. I was so scared of what he might look like and I was so completely crushed that my baby boy was gone. The nurse got Jonah bundled up in a blanket and handed him to me and Aaron. We held him and we just cried. Jonah was born at 5:54am on February 1, 2012. We told Dr. Bruhn to please tell our families in the waiting area that we had him but we did not want them to remember him that way so we did not want anyone to come into our room. Jonah was perfectly formed and 2lbs exactly and 15 inches long. He had dark hair and his eyes were just beginning to not be fused-shut. But, because I have a small pelvic area, it was difficult for me to have him and because his skin was very delicate, he did not have much skin at all on most of his body, except for his perfect little head, arms and feet. While I was still holding him, the door to our room opened and my Mama and my older sister, Erin walked in. I told them we did not want anyone to see Jonah and I went all hysterical on them until they left the room. I somehow got myself together and called my Mama and told her they could come back, I was sorry. Apparently, they were not in the waiting area so Dr. Bruhn did not tell them not to come in to our room and our nurse did not stop them either. My Mama, Erin, my sister Sarah and her husband Clint, Aaron's parents and his sister Ashley and my Aunt Debbie were the only ones to see Jonah. Our nurse now was Michelle, and she took Jonah and took some pictures of him for us and she made footprints and handprints for us and looking back, I am so glad that she did all of that.

Well, like I said, I thought everything would go smoothly but I was wrong. The placenta did not want to come out so Dr. Bruhn said she would come back in an hour and try to get it out again. Over the next several hours, Dr. Bruhn tried as well as Dr. McCollum, several times. They eventually gave me some Cytotec orally to see if it would help the placenta to come out on its own, but that did not work. They finally decided to take me to surgery and do a D&C to remove the placenta. I still remember the look on Aaron's face when they took me to the elevator and he could go no further. He looked so scared because he was so worried about me and he was so mad about everything I had had to go through so far. After I woke up from the surgery, they took me to the third floor of the hospital, not OB. They say it is cruel to keep you on the same floor as all of these other moms and dads that are happy and welcoming their new healthy babies into the world so that is why they put you on a different floor. But, part of me thinks they do it because they don't want those happy moms and dads to see the harsh reality that not all pregnancies and births end happily, and they don't want to dampen those new parents' enthusiasm. That's just me, though...

They finally released me from the hospital on Thursday, February 2, around 2pm. When we left the hospital, me and Aaron stopped by Belk to see if we could find anything to wear to Jonah's funeral and then we headed to Moultrie to the funeral home to make all of the arrangements. At Cobb, the funeral home, we decided on a graveside funeral, for anyone that wanted to attend, and we decided on the order of the service. Next we went to pick out a plot for our sweet baby boy....the most awful thing a parent should ever have to do...decide where to bury their child. Then, we went to Flowers By Barrett, and spoke with the florist about what we wanted for Jonah's funeral. We went home and some friends and family stopped by until it was time for bed. Me and Aaron asked that people please give us space that Friday, so we could just rest and be alone with each other. The funeral was that Saturday, February 4 at 11am. And, it was really beautiful...as much as a funeral can be, especially that of a child. And we went home, empty-handed because our Jonah was in a coffin, never to be held by us again.

26 Weeks

I was 26 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband, Aaron, had been out of town for a National Sales Convention for work. I went to Dr. Bruhn on Tuesday, January 24 for my scheduled appointment. This was the only appointment that Aaron had not been able to make so Sarah, my twin sister, went with me. At this appointment I had to do the whole glucose tolerance test thing and I was thrilled when the nurse told me that my blood sugar levels and hemoglobin were both perfect. Dr. Bruhn got out her hand-held dopler and listened to Jonah's heart beat at 150 beats per minute. She assured me that everything looked great and she would see me back in four weeks.

After this appointment, the rest of the week I kept thinking that it was strange that I had not felt Jonah move since Tuesday, or was it Monday? I couldn't remember the last time that I felt him move and that was bothering me. Aaron came home on Thursday and I told him that I had not felt Jonah move. He assured me that he was probably fine and I was just trying too hard to feel him move. I figured Aaron was right and I tried to push the thought to the side. Well, by Sunday I could not push it away any longer. That afternoon, while getting all of our documents together so we could get our taxes done, I decided I would drink a Supernova Mountain Dew. I do not normally drink regular drinks, especially not Mountain Dew because it is loaded with calories, sugar, caffiene and I would rather eat my calories in chocoloate than drink them! But, I figured this drink would definitely make Jonah move so I drank the whole thing. And there was nothing. I remember going to church that night where we were having a "Fifth Sunday Night Sing" and all I could think about was why hadn't Jonah moved. I remember feeling mad and angry but not really knowing why. I sat with my hand on my stomach the entire church service. After church on Sunday nights, me and Aaron always go to Wal-Mart and get our groceries for the week. While there, I bought a fetal heart monitor, even though I thought it was ridiculous that it was about $25...but the price didn't matter if I could get some sort of peace-of-mind. When we got home, me and Aaron and Ruby (our Weimeraner and baby girl!) piled-up on the couch with the fetal heart monitor. It had two sets of earbuds so me and Aaron could both listen at the same time. I searched and searched but I figured I was either missing Jonah's heartbeat or I didn't know what I was doing. We listened for my heartbeat, Aaron's heartbeat and even Ruby's and we heard everyone but I just could not get Jonah's to pick up. I finally got so frustrated and gave up and we all went to bed.

The next morning I went to work and I emailed my Aunt Debbie who is the head of OB at the hospital in town. When I didn't hear back from her a couple of hours later I decided I would just call her. I went downstairs to my friend's office so that no one would hear me and get in my business, afterall, I was probably just being a worry-wart. Amanda let me use her phone and pretty soon I was explaining everything to my Aunt Debbie, fighting back a lump in my throat that just appeared out of nowhere. We decided that I would stop by the hospital when I left for lunch and Aunt Debbie would try to see if she could hear Jonah's heartbeat. My boss said for me to take as much time as I needed and I called Aaron and told him that I would call him as soon as I was done so he would feel better as well.

When I got there, Aunt Debbie took me into a room and used a big monitor to try and hear the heartbeat. After it didn't work for her she went and got the hand-held doppler, saying it usually worked better for her than the big monitor anyways. While she was running it all over my stomach, I couldn't stop the tears anymore. Dr. Bruhn had never had a problem finding Jonah's heartbeat so why couldn't we find it now? I just knew, deep down, that something was not right. Aunt Debbie told me to stop crying, that everything was fine and then she stepped out of the room for a moment. When she came back in, she brought a midwife in with the older ultrasound machine that they use on the OB floor. The midwife began searching for the heartbeat with the ultrasound and told me that there was no fluttering of the heart on the machine. She wanted to admit me and have someone from Radiology to come and do a more high-tech ultrasound. By now I was crying, I couldn't hold it back anymore. Aunt Debbie called Aaron to tell him that he needed to come to the hospital. When Aaron got there he busted out crying and asked me what was going on, what had happened...By the time I told him that they couldn't find Jonah's heartbeat, the lady from Radiology was there, ready to do an ultrasound. She looked for several minutes and took pictures, only to turn her head towards my Aunt Debbie and shake her head. I just fell apart right then because I was so confused, so hurt and just so shocked that at one minute everything was fine, and the next minute my whole world was upside down. Several of our family members and a couple close friends stopped by in the next 30 minutes that followed to cry with us and to show us that they care. Ultimately, we decided that we wanted to go see Dr. Bruhn, my regular doctor, because I was still going to have to deliver my Jonah...just because he was gone didn't mean that it was all over right then.

We stopped by our house to let Ruby out and to pack a bag just in case we needed it and then we headed to Thomasville to Dr. Bruhn's office, who knew we were on our way. Once there, Dr. Bruhn explained what had to happen and we decided that we wanted to do everything as soon as possible, so as not to drag everything out. Dr. Bruhn pulled some strings so that I could still get an epidural even though I had not had the chance to sign up for one yet and it was decided that I would come back the next morning at 7:30 am to the hospital in Thomasville and I would be induced. We left and decided we were hungry and we wanted to just go sit somewhere and eat and talk, by ourselves. We went to Longhorn's and we just sat there and ate in disbelief. Once we were finished, we went home to our Ruby and then family members trickled in to check on us until it was time to go to bed and get prepared for what the next day would hold.