Catching Up

I have been missing this blog lately. I have been so busy with IVF and my gestational carrier stuff (you can visit my other blog by clicking here) that I haven't really had a chance to blog here about the things that have been going through my mind. I'm still missing Jonah and Harper. With every injection that I have to take, the hurt grows a little more because if my body wasn't messed up, I might have them both here...therefore: NO INJECTIONS! That would be nice! Many months later and I still can't believe that this is my life...that I have lost two boys...that I have to go on living without them...I can honestly say, this is never how I pictured things.

The Unexpectedness Of Grief

It is true what they say. They say that grief shows up unexpectedly at times. It surely does. Not to lead anyone to believe that there is ever a moment that I don't think about Jonah or Harper, but this grief still surprises me. For the most part, in the Jonah and Harper departments, I have been doing pretty good. Unbelievably, I do not cry about them everyday. So, when the hurt just sneaks up and pounces on me, in a moments time, I am taken by surprise. Like tonight. I have been fine all day. The sadness has been there all day, but I have still been fine. Aaron played ball all day so I went to the ballfields around 6:45pm because we were going to go eat supper after one of his games. As soon as I pull up, the lump shows up in my throat. I start thinking about how there is no way I am going to be able to walk up to the stands and see people I know and hold it together. People with their kids. People with a million questions about IVF and surrogacy and me. People who do not "get it". So what do I do? I call my twin sister Sarah, crying. You know, so the people parked beside me think I am normal and all.

It sucks. It sucks that for the rest of my life moments like this will come out of nowhere and surprise me. It sucks that Jonah is not here. It sucks that Harper is not here. It sucks that all I can do is wallow in my sorrow. It sucks that things are moving so quickly and I find myself struggling to hang on to the time when I was pregnant with Jonah and then not and the time when I was pregnant with Harper and then not. I am so much farther from those times than I ever thought I could be...and it hurts. And I know that this probably makes no sense to normal people.

I guess that is what I am surprised about, how I want to sit here in my grief and never move forward. How moving forward means moving on and accepting what all has happened. I just can't seem to accept that this is how my life is from here on out, separate from Jonah and Harper until Heaven. I want to hold them so bad...my arms ache for them so bad...it just all makes me so sad and so mad that it all had to turn out like this, even if it is to bring glory to God. I'm just being honest! Couldn't we have done that another way? Two babies? Really? It has been 13 months since I held Jonah and five months since I held Harper...and it is still tremendously hard. I suppose it always will be.