A Lifetime Of Loss

When I was 14, my Mama and Daddy sat me and my two sisters down in our living room to tell us that my Daddy had a brain tumor. I could not have known just how much those words were going to change my life, but they did. My Daddy had a biopsy that ruled his tumor as cancerous, a stage 4 glioblastoma if I am correct. He underwent Chemo, radiation and tried several experimental drugs through Duke University. Eventually, my Daddy got tired of all of the medicines and the sickness that he felt because of them and decided to just live however much more time that he had, feeling as best as he could by not trying anymore experimental drugs. He could not use one side of his body and his speech was almost non-existent toward the end. On January 28, 2002, my Daddy died in our living room, with my Mama by his side.

My Daddy's battle with cancer and his death has shaped my life over the past ten years. I have known pain that most teenagers that I know do not. I saw face-to-face that death is always lurking in the shadows and it comes when we least expect it. I have had to walk down the 50 yard-line for Homecoming with my brother-in-law, instead of my Daddy. I had to walk down the aisle without him there as well. So many things that I always dreamed he would be a part of, he was not...at least not in the physical sense. And while all of this sucked at the time....I mean, really sucked...I knew that God was using my Daddy and my family to bring glory and honor to His Name. And that was comforting, even though the sadness and hurt were there, I was comforted.

Fast forward to January 28, 2012. I always anticipate this day. I always know that it is not going to be a great day. I will be sad and I will let myself think about everything that happened with my Daddy and my family. This was no different this year except for the anger. Looking back now, I feel like I must have known deep, deep down that my baby boy, my Jonah was not going to be okay. I had already spent the past several days trying to figure out why Jonah was not moving. I remember sitting in church that night, on January 28 and just being mad. I was mad thinking about how my Daddy and my Papa (another precious soul, gone too soon from me) would never get to see Jonah. I was mad that they would not be there to see my first child and to "ooo" and "aaahh" at him. I remember getting up to go to the bathroom during the music part of the service. The whole time walking there and back to my seat, I just had this anger swelling up inside of me. And then, the following day I would find out that Jonah's heart was not beating...and that a different kind of anger would not go away from me.

Since I lost Jonah, I have found a new kind of peace about my Daddy's death, and my Papa's for that matter. I don't long for them to be here anymore. Or is my longing for Jonah so strong that I cannot sense that longing for my Daddy and Papa? I am not sure but I am sure of this: despite the hurt and sadness of losing my Daddy, and losing him the way that I did, it does not even compare to this loss that I feel for my Jonah. Not that grief is meant to be compared, because it is not. Now, I will say this: I have felt anger towards my Daddy in losing Jonah. I am angry that he was so selfish as to take my baby up to Heaven with him...I mean he has pretty good company up there as it is, couldn't he quit hogging everybody :)!

This journey of loss is so much more different, though. In losing Jonah, I have lost who I ever was. My relationships - everyone of them - have changed, a few for the better but most of them for the worse. I have lost the body that I should have appreciated! I have lost my patience, my drive and my desire for so many things...I have lost so much more than I could ever put into words on a blog post. I am bitter and I am afraid that I always will be. I am mad and I'm afraid that will always stick around as well. This sadness that I feel, well we all know that it is definitely here to stay, too.

The difference for me, Daddy's death vs. Jonah's death, is that with Jonah's I can not see how God is or is going to use it. People will forget...I will not. People will wonder why the sadness in my eyes...I will know the reason, but they won't. So, I find myself wondering if this was a lesson in faith and in life that will only have lasting effects on me and Aaron...and maybe those close family members that let it? Couldn't He have taught me or gotten my attention in a different way? Am I that hard of hearing that He had to shout at me? Or am I just not supposed to be able to hold onto the men (or boys) that come into my life for long? If that is the case....I'm heading to get Aaron right now! If I hold him down, maybe he can stay for longer than I am allowed...just maybe.

Follows Me

It is strange to me how this sadness follows me. I feel like I have been doing better lately but that seems to always be short lived. We left this afternoon and headed to the beach and the farther from home we got, the stronger this ache seemed to get. It's like with each mile I realize that no matter how far I go, how long it has been the ache for Jonah just grows stronger. I am so sad tonight that Jonah is not here, with us. It is a painful realization several times a day, everyday...and I hate that. Missing you Jonah...again, that's nothing new...

My First Mother's Day Without You

I am a mother, of this I am sure. Jonah, I carried you for seven months and I loved you every minute. I took care of myself so that you would be the healthiest baby possible. I fed you colorful foods and strawberries, your favorite, every single day. I took you to the gym and on walks all the time. I thought about you every minute of the day, and I still do. I wanted everything to be perfect for you...I love you in ways I never knew that I would, Jonah. So, today as I sit at home and think of all the mothers who are quick to point out that I do not know what it is like to have a child and take care of him, I know they are wrong. I know that I was and am the best mother that I could ever dream of being. I love you sweet Jonah and I know that you have always known that and you always felt my love for you. And in case you are wondering, this little blessing is keeping me company today as I am missing you:

Your big sister, Ruby :)

Her precious puppy paws

I know that Ruby is a blessing that could only come from God, to help keep me company on the saddest and loneliest days without you here. And I think she does a pretty good job :).

I know you would have loved Ruby Doo and she would have loved you, too :). We are missing you today, Jonah...but that is nothing new.

Sorrow & Joy

"...the inability to separate the sorrow from the joy in life. I find that they are inextricably woven, never to be pulled fully from each other in this life." - Angie Smith, I Will Carry You

Today I have seen several friends, or aquaintances if you will, post pictures of their newborn babies on their Facebook pages. Today I have thought about how different my life would be this week, with a newborn baby at home. Today I have been bitter, bitter towards others, towards this life, towards this lot that I have been given...and I hate that. I want to be happy for these new little families as they welcome into the world healthy babies, I really want to. But my pain is still overwhelming me most of the time and I can not see past my questions. Are they really better at being parents than me and Aaron would have been? I mean, Aaron is home way more than these other daddies, who are so busy doing their favorite hobby to devote any time to their families at home. Why? Why me? Why us? Why couldn't we just have a normal life, void of such pain and suffering? I know that I will never have answers to these questions, at least not this side of Heaven. But that doesn't stop me from asking them.

I read Angie Smith's book, "I Will Carry You," the other day and if you have not read it, I HIGHLY recommend it! Even if you have never lost a child. One of the things I highlighted as I read was the quote at the top of this post. Angie Smith nailed it on the head. In this life, sorrow and joy are so woven together, you can't have one without the other. I am filled with so much sorrow over not having my Jonah here with me. It hurts me so much to be apart from him. Yet, I have so much joy in knowing that he was is my child and that God trusted me with him for the little bit of time that He did. I cannot begin to tell you the joy I will feel one day when I find out that I am pregnant again or when I have a living, breathing child here with me. But, I know that the joy I will feel will only be possible because of the deep sorrow I have felt and still feel and will always feel.

It is awful to me to think that there can be no joy without sorrow in this life. But at the same time, just the thought of this is beautiful. Afterall, I guess the whole reason we are where we are is because of the joy and sorrow that surrounded the death of Christ...so it makes sense that life would be made up of things that can point us only to Him. That is not to say that it is fine with me or that I am not still pitching a fit at God...begging Him to please let me wake up from this! But I know this is not in vain...even though it hurts so much and it is something I would never have volunteered for...this is not in vain.

Can I just say that I am so broken? Broken like I have never been before. Broken into so many pieces that I know I can never be put back together again, at least not in the same way that I was before. I ache so deep inside that I never knew pain could go that deep.

But this is not in vain....I have to keep telling myself this....
Jonah was not in vain...not his life and surely not his death...

As always, I'm missing you sweet Jonah, so much...

Jonah's Due Date, May 4

Yesterday was the day that I was supposed to be due with Jonah. It was a day that I had been dreading since I realized that Jonah would not be here on the 4th. So, I took the whole day off of work, as did Aaron. We decided that we would go by the cemetery and see Jonah and then head to St. George Island for the day. Once we finally made it to the beach, it was a pleasant day and I am so thankful for the time me and Aaron got to spend together, away from everybody. We did a little shopping in Tallahassee on the way home and then we came home to see our precious Ruby (again, this is my dog that feels like my child!) and hang out with her before we called it a day and all piled in bed :). It was a good day but it was a hard day...one filled with thoughts of what the day would've been or even should've been. I can say that I know God has a plan and a purpose for all of this pain but I also know that this is a pain and an ache that will never let-up and will never go away, until the day that I hold Jonah in my arms and know that we are together again. I literally ache to my core....and I carry this shadow of pain with me as a constant companion. But I know "beauty will rise from these ashes." That is the only thing that helps me put one foot in front of the other.

Jonah,
I miss you more with each passing day! I know you are so much better off in Heaven with Jesus...and I know that you know how much me and your Daddy love you. We are so sad to know that we will never get to bring you home, to meet Ruby and to raise you up as a Godly little man! But we will see you again, sweet boy. And even as I type this I know that the day we see you again is much too far away...even if that day is tomorrow! I love you so much, Jonah...so much more than I ever thought I could love anyone, besides your Daddy!