My Sweet Friend

A very dear friend of mine lost her baby yesterday. She was 12 weeks along. Not to mention that her first pregnancy ended in the stillbirth of her baby girl, Olivia and for the past year my friend has been struggling with fertility issues... I am just so heartbroken for my friend and her husband. So devastated and mad and frustrated. I do not understand why she must face all of this difficulty and heartache. I do not understand why God allows these things...especially repeatedly. But I know I am not supposed to understand God's ways. I just can't stop thinking about my friend and the new found hope she had when she found out she was pregnant, only to have it all taken away again...and this just makes me mad. There is really no other way to put it. I am mad. At God. At life. At others who have no idea of the depth of her pain. At myself and my own loss. I am just plain mad. Olivia, Jonah and this sweet little baby...how we wish we could have you this side of Heaven...we can't wait to be with you one day.

Thinking About You

Jonah, you are ALL that I think about! I can't stop thinking about being pregnant with you. About strawberries and seabands and endless thoughts of life with you. I can't stop replaying in my head everything that happened during the worst week of my life: finding out that your little heart was not beating, going to the hospital to be induced, delivering you....every.single.thing.about that week. I go to your room and I imagine it being complete. One day I even had the crazy notion that I should finish it...but I just can't, knowing that you will never get to enjoy it...but I still imagine it done. I look in your closet and it makes me mad that you will never get to wear those clothes. And don't even get me started on that Charlie Brown and Snoopy wall decal...I don't know how I will ever take it down...

And...it still hurts so bad to know that everyone else's life keeps moving forward and I am stuck here, mostly because I don't know where to go from here...from life without you, Jonah. But that is just the thing...my life will never be "without you" because you are so intertwined in it all for me. The struggle lies in marrying the past and the present for me....figuring out how to live with you gone while still moving forward...I'm really struggling, Jonah...really, really struggling.

Eric Church says it better than I can:

"Broken down and messed up
I never saw your leaving comin’ but
I sure felt it when ya left
Memory button stuck on repeat
Mind skippin’ like a record machine
Over and over that goodbye scene
Keeps spinnin’ in my head

It keeps haunting me
And there ain’t no maybe about it
The hurt keeps calling me
Come on out we got you surrounded"

Jonah, I get so mad and bitter...so mad that other people do not appreciate what they have...so bitter that everyone seems to have it all handed to them, and you were snatched from me...so mad that people act like my life should be back to "normal" now, and mad that other people do not treat me the same as they used to.

I have never experienced so many emotions at the same time, like I do these days. Anger, Bitterness, Sadness, Loneliness, etc....and then the craziest one of all: Joy. Joy that God trusted me with you for 26 weeks and 6 days. Joy that you were and are forever mine. My.Very.Own.Jonah...I am so amazed that you are mine :)...This is the hardest thing, Jonah...but you were are worth it all!

I love you, Jonah :)