So it has been one week and five days since I gave birth to Harper. I still can't wrap my mind around this. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I have not just one, but two baby boys in Heaven and I am here, without them. I know all about this process, the grief process. I know that God can use all of this for His Glory. But that doesn't mean I will sugarcoat it: this sucks. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would lose Jonah. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would lose another child after him. I was terrified this whole pregnancy with Harper. Some days I would panic, thinking that I must have been crazy to put myself out there on the line again, knowing I could not control anything about Harper and whether or not he made it here safe and sound. But, honestly.....I never really thought something so horrible could happen again, even though it was different circumstances. What kind of cruel world is this that a mother can lose more than one child? I mean seriously...it doesn't even make sense. I never dreamed I would go through the darkest of days again but here I am smack-dab in the middle of them. Harper was supposed to give me hope. He was supposed to help me and Aaron rise from the horrible loss of Jonah. We were going to have a reason to smile again. And while I can smile that Harper lived for a few hours, that we got that much, it doesn't seem like enough to last me the rest of my days.
I am scared for what our future holds. I am scared that I may never "bounce back" from this loss. I was actually making some progress with Jonah's death, be it ever so small, but to add the loss of Harper on top of it...I am right back where I started, on January 30, the day we found out that Jonah's heart was no longer beating. Now I wonder if we will ever get to have a child of our own, made-up of both Aaron and I, that lives and breathes and that gets to come home and grow up. And I wonder that if we do not, how will I ever live with that...because I am not so sure that I can. I am meeting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist in a couple of weeks. Hopefully he will be able to tell me what he thinks the problem is. Aaron will have bloodwork since I have already had all of my blood genetically tested. We are waiting to hear back from the results of the placenta. Hopefully all of these things will help us to know where to go from here. As you know, I lost half of my blood volume during Harper's delivery and it was very dangerous. We need to figure out why this happened because it cannot happen again. Our desire for a child is so strong but our desire for each other is stronger...we need to both be here to take care of a child. So, there is a lot of information that we are processing or will be processing in the future. My prayer is that God would speak loud and clear to both Aaron and I and let us know what He would have us do. I do not want there to be a shadow of a doubt as to what God would have us do.
I hope it is evident that I am trusting God, but I also hope it is clear that we are not okay with everything that has happened. We will carry Jonah and Harper with us for the rest of our lives, no matter what else happens, good or bad. I will never be able to stop thinking about my pregnancy with Jonah and the joy that he brought us. I will never be able to forget his kicks or how he loved strawberries. I will never forget the feeling of despair that swept over me and has stayed with me since we found out that Jonah was gone. I will never forget anything from the hospital or the funeral. I will never be able to stop thinking about my pregnancy with Harper and the hope that it brought us. I will never forget feeling him in a ball when he would move somewhere else in my tummy or how he liked strawberries as well. I will never forget the feeling of disbelief that swept over me when my water broke, the moment I realized that Harper would be born too early. This feeling has stayed with me as well. I will never forget anything from Shands or the funeral. I will carry everything I have concerning both of my boys for the rest of my life and I will never be the same.
I know all of this cannot be in vain...but I so wish it could all be undone and that I could have Jonah and Harper both here with me. Me and Aaron have so much love to give to them, I think that is why it all hurts so bad...this grief is all we can do for them now...and that really sucks.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Harper's Birth Story
It is with a heavy, heavy heart that I tell you that Harper is now in Heaven with his big brother, Jonah. I am hurt and broken, twice over now. Words just can't express the hopelessness and disappointment that I feel.
On Friday, October 12, we were setting up for a yard sale that we were participating in the next morning. From about 10:00pm to about 12 I was baking brownies and bagging them up to sell at the yard sale. When I went to get ready for bed, I found that I was bleeding a little. I immediately went into panic mode and I remember sitting on the toilet crying to God that this could not be happening! I thought I was fixing to lose Harper. I came out of the bathroom crying hysterically and I told Aaron (my husband) what was going on. We got out the doppler to listen to Harper's heart and we found it immediately. I wish I could tell you that this eased my mind, but it didn't. We laid in bed talking and decided that I had probably just done too much that day and then I cried myself to sleep.
The next morning Aaron got up early and went to the yard sale. I got up and started getting ready but noticed that I was still spotting a little. So, I decided to call the on-call number for my doctor's office just to run it by them and see what they thought. I spoke with Dr.Reed, the on call doctor that weekend. She told me to come in and they would hook me up to a monitor and do an ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. I called Aaron and he came home and got me and we headed to Thomasville to the hospital. Once there, they checked me in, found Harper's heartbeat with the handheld doppler and hooked me up to a monitor to check for contractions. They then sent me to have an ultrasound and I must say this was the loooonnngggeeessstt ultrasound I have ever had! When I got back to my room, Robin, the midwife on call, used a speculum to check me and also checked my cervix with her fingers. She told me she saw that there was some blood but they couldn't figure out what the cause was. They also informed me that I was having some contractions and they told me to drink about 100oz. of water daily because being the slightest bit dehydrated could cause contractions. They sent me home on pelvic rest. I found the couch immediately once I got home.
The spotting continued but I did not feel bad so I assumed that all the water I had been drinking was hydrating me and the spotting was just something that I should not worry about. I work at a desk all day so it is not strenuous at all. I went into work everyday from 8am to 1pm and then I would go home and get on the couch. On Wednesday, around 11am or so, I started feeling really crampy. I left work and went home and got on the couch. I called my doctor's office and spoke with the triage nurse. Since my pain was constant (like I fixing to start my period or like the first day of my period) the nurse told me that I should just lay on a heating pad and take some tylenol. She told me that if it got worse to come in. For the record, I am not so sure it makes sense to EVER tell a pregnant woman to lay on a heating pad for cramps! But, I did what she said all while chugging water to stay hydrated. My pain stayed consistent, but it did not seem to get worse so I never called back. I did not want to be the "girl-who-cried-wolf" and I had a doctor's appointment at Shands in Gainesville the next morning. We were going to Shands to have an echocardiogram to check on Harper's heart because the specialist that I see found a hole in Harper's heart and two choroid plexus cysts on Harper's brain. So, I thought that I would just mention how things had been going while I was there because surely Shands would know what was going on.
The next morning, Thursday, October 18, Aaron and I got up and got ready to head to Gainesville. I noticed that my cramps were not constant now but that they would come and go. We were fixing to walk out the door and I suddenly had the urge to throw-up, and I did. This was very strange to me because when I was 10cm dialated with Jonah, I started trying to throw up (since I had not eaten in a long time I was just dry-heaving). Anyways, we headed to Gainesville. The whole way there I would grimace through the pain. Once at the doctor's office, we waited for over an hour before we were called back. In the ultrasound room I started crying and I told the ultrasound tech what had been going on and that I have a bicornuate uterus and that my first pregnancy had ended in a stillbirth, etc. She did the ultrasound and the doctor came in and looked aroud and told me that Harper had a Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD), aka a hole in his heart. He told me that this could heal on it's own or it could require surgery after he is born but I should not worry about it. He told me that he wanted to send me to Pediatric Cardiology while I was there just so they could get a better look and also do the echocardiogram. I was on the brink of tears because of the pain I was in and because I just felt like something was wrong. He decided to do a vaginal ultrasound to check my cervix. He found that my cervix was shortened and dialated some (he never said how much). He was concerned that I could go into preterm labor as early as 21-22 weeks. I remember thinking, I am 21 weeks?! So, he wanted to admit me to Labor and Delivery and give me meds to try and stop the contractions that I was having and to stop the labor that was apparently beginning.
It took us about one whole hour to get from Dr. Eggerman's office to Labor and Delivery because we had to wait on a shuttle and what not. Once we got to Labor and Delivery I was admitted and put on Morphine and Nifidepene (sp?) and they gave me Zofran. The Morphine was for pain and the Nifidepene was to help relax my uterus so that it would stop contracting. I was in a triage room until they got me to another room. This room was a double room and about 20 minutes or so after I had been there a lady that was 40 weeks pregnant walked by to use the bathroom. She was in the bed next to me and they found her baby's heartbeat and started getting her ready to take to another room so that she could deliver. It sounded like they had her baby's heartbeat hooked up to a microphone and it was all I could hear. Aaron finally mentioned to our nurse that it was hard for us to hear all of that with losing Jonah and now being in preterm labor at 21 weeks. She assured us that she was trying to get us moved to another room as quickly as possible. Eventually I was moved to a room all by myself. Dr. Eggerman and a nurse came in after I had been given my three doses of Dilaudid to check me. I was told that I was 4cm dialated and that my cervix was shortening. I remember the nurse telling me that I needed to know that nothing I had done had caused this, nothing. I remember crying and shaking my head that I understood. They moved me to a delivery room, but I honestly didn't realize that was what type of room I was in. I remember thinking that the contractions were still not stopping and why?! I was in so much pain and I was so worried. Throughout all of this, no one ever told me that I was going to deliver Harper that day, no one. I just kept thinking why aren't the contractions stopping, why isn't this medicine working?
I threw up a couple times throughout all of this. The last time, I sat up in a hurry and started throwing up in this plastic cup thing. While I was throwing up I felt a sudden gush and I swear it sounded like the loudest thing in the world. I immediately looked at Aaron and started hollaring that my water had broke. Aaron told me it was okay and I hollared at him, in panic, "No! It is not okay! Aaron, my water broke, that is NOT okay!" and he told me it wasn't but it was, meaning I had to calm down. I remember feeling like I needed to do something but how could I? It was too early for me to be giving birth to Harper. The doctor at my feet told me to push if I felt like I needed to. I remember babbling about how I couldn't and then before I knew it, Harper was out and I could feel him moving a little. They immediately cleaned Harper up and gave him to us. Harper's heart was beating and he would move his little hands and arms every now and then and he would take breaths of air. He was so tiny but he was so beautiful. I remember staring at him and thinking about how my body, my cervix, my uterus had failed him and that if it weren't for my body, he would have made it and he would have been perfect. Aaron held him while a doctor dug around trying to get my placenta to come out. It was so painful and she just kept on until Aaron finally told her to stop, that I was in so much pain. They then decided that I would have to have a D&C to remove the placenta. Me and Aaron continued to hold Harper and they took some pictures of Harper and of us before they took me to do the D&C. Throughout all of this, I lost half of my blood volume. So, they kept me and watched me to make sure my body was replenishing its blood supply.
Harper took his last breath sometime around midnight while I was in surgery for the D&C. Aaron feels like he was holding him when he took his last breath, and for that I am thankful. We are left with thousands of questions and we are so broken down. This was the last thing we expected, even though pre-term labor, insufficient cervix and retained placentas are all linked with having a bicornuate uterus. Everything just happened so fast.
Harper's funeral will be tomorrow. We ask for your prayers not only tomorrow but in the days and months and even years ahead. This is SO hard, especially on top of losing Jonah just eight months ago.
Harper & Mommy:
On Friday, October 12, we were setting up for a yard sale that we were participating in the next morning. From about 10:00pm to about 12 I was baking brownies and bagging them up to sell at the yard sale. When I went to get ready for bed, I found that I was bleeding a little. I immediately went into panic mode and I remember sitting on the toilet crying to God that this could not be happening! I thought I was fixing to lose Harper. I came out of the bathroom crying hysterically and I told Aaron (my husband) what was going on. We got out the doppler to listen to Harper's heart and we found it immediately. I wish I could tell you that this eased my mind, but it didn't. We laid in bed talking and decided that I had probably just done too much that day and then I cried myself to sleep.
The next morning Aaron got up early and went to the yard sale. I got up and started getting ready but noticed that I was still spotting a little. So, I decided to call the on-call number for my doctor's office just to run it by them and see what they thought. I spoke with Dr.Reed, the on call doctor that weekend. She told me to come in and they would hook me up to a monitor and do an ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. I called Aaron and he came home and got me and we headed to Thomasville to the hospital. Once there, they checked me in, found Harper's heartbeat with the handheld doppler and hooked me up to a monitor to check for contractions. They then sent me to have an ultrasound and I must say this was the loooonnngggeeessstt ultrasound I have ever had! When I got back to my room, Robin, the midwife on call, used a speculum to check me and also checked my cervix with her fingers. She told me she saw that there was some blood but they couldn't figure out what the cause was. They also informed me that I was having some contractions and they told me to drink about 100oz. of water daily because being the slightest bit dehydrated could cause contractions. They sent me home on pelvic rest. I found the couch immediately once I got home.
The spotting continued but I did not feel bad so I assumed that all the water I had been drinking was hydrating me and the spotting was just something that I should not worry about. I work at a desk all day so it is not strenuous at all. I went into work everyday from 8am to 1pm and then I would go home and get on the couch. On Wednesday, around 11am or so, I started feeling really crampy. I left work and went home and got on the couch. I called my doctor's office and spoke with the triage nurse. Since my pain was constant (like I fixing to start my period or like the first day of my period) the nurse told me that I should just lay on a heating pad and take some tylenol. She told me that if it got worse to come in. For the record, I am not so sure it makes sense to EVER tell a pregnant woman to lay on a heating pad for cramps! But, I did what she said all while chugging water to stay hydrated. My pain stayed consistent, but it did not seem to get worse so I never called back. I did not want to be the "girl-who-cried-wolf" and I had a doctor's appointment at Shands in Gainesville the next morning. We were going to Shands to have an echocardiogram to check on Harper's heart because the specialist that I see found a hole in Harper's heart and two choroid plexus cysts on Harper's brain. So, I thought that I would just mention how things had been going while I was there because surely Shands would know what was going on.
The next morning, Thursday, October 18, Aaron and I got up and got ready to head to Gainesville. I noticed that my cramps were not constant now but that they would come and go. We were fixing to walk out the door and I suddenly had the urge to throw-up, and I did. This was very strange to me because when I was 10cm dialated with Jonah, I started trying to throw up (since I had not eaten in a long time I was just dry-heaving). Anyways, we headed to Gainesville. The whole way there I would grimace through the pain. Once at the doctor's office, we waited for over an hour before we were called back. In the ultrasound room I started crying and I told the ultrasound tech what had been going on and that I have a bicornuate uterus and that my first pregnancy had ended in a stillbirth, etc. She did the ultrasound and the doctor came in and looked aroud and told me that Harper had a Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD), aka a hole in his heart. He told me that this could heal on it's own or it could require surgery after he is born but I should not worry about it. He told me that he wanted to send me to Pediatric Cardiology while I was there just so they could get a better look and also do the echocardiogram. I was on the brink of tears because of the pain I was in and because I just felt like something was wrong. He decided to do a vaginal ultrasound to check my cervix. He found that my cervix was shortened and dialated some (he never said how much). He was concerned that I could go into preterm labor as early as 21-22 weeks. I remember thinking, I am 21 weeks?! So, he wanted to admit me to Labor and Delivery and give me meds to try and stop the contractions that I was having and to stop the labor that was apparently beginning.
It took us about one whole hour to get from Dr. Eggerman's office to Labor and Delivery because we had to wait on a shuttle and what not. Once we got to Labor and Delivery I was admitted and put on Morphine and Nifidepene (sp?) and they gave me Zofran. The Morphine was for pain and the Nifidepene was to help relax my uterus so that it would stop contracting. I was in a triage room until they got me to another room. This room was a double room and about 20 minutes or so after I had been there a lady that was 40 weeks pregnant walked by to use the bathroom. She was in the bed next to me and they found her baby's heartbeat and started getting her ready to take to another room so that she could deliver. It sounded like they had her baby's heartbeat hooked up to a microphone and it was all I could hear. Aaron finally mentioned to our nurse that it was hard for us to hear all of that with losing Jonah and now being in preterm labor at 21 weeks. She assured us that she was trying to get us moved to another room as quickly as possible. Eventually I was moved to a room all by myself. Dr. Eggerman and a nurse came in after I had been given my three doses of Dilaudid to check me. I was told that I was 4cm dialated and that my cervix was shortening. I remember the nurse telling me that I needed to know that nothing I had done had caused this, nothing. I remember crying and shaking my head that I understood. They moved me to a delivery room, but I honestly didn't realize that was what type of room I was in. I remember thinking that the contractions were still not stopping and why?! I was in so much pain and I was so worried. Throughout all of this, no one ever told me that I was going to deliver Harper that day, no one. I just kept thinking why aren't the contractions stopping, why isn't this medicine working?
I threw up a couple times throughout all of this. The last time, I sat up in a hurry and started throwing up in this plastic cup thing. While I was throwing up I felt a sudden gush and I swear it sounded like the loudest thing in the world. I immediately looked at Aaron and started hollaring that my water had broke. Aaron told me it was okay and I hollared at him, in panic, "No! It is not okay! Aaron, my water broke, that is NOT okay!" and he told me it wasn't but it was, meaning I had to calm down. I remember feeling like I needed to do something but how could I? It was too early for me to be giving birth to Harper. The doctor at my feet told me to push if I felt like I needed to. I remember babbling about how I couldn't and then before I knew it, Harper was out and I could feel him moving a little. They immediately cleaned Harper up and gave him to us. Harper's heart was beating and he would move his little hands and arms every now and then and he would take breaths of air. He was so tiny but he was so beautiful. I remember staring at him and thinking about how my body, my cervix, my uterus had failed him and that if it weren't for my body, he would have made it and he would have been perfect. Aaron held him while a doctor dug around trying to get my placenta to come out. It was so painful and she just kept on until Aaron finally told her to stop, that I was in so much pain. They then decided that I would have to have a D&C to remove the placenta. Me and Aaron continued to hold Harper and they took some pictures of Harper and of us before they took me to do the D&C. Throughout all of this, I lost half of my blood volume. So, they kept me and watched me to make sure my body was replenishing its blood supply.
Harper took his last breath sometime around midnight while I was in surgery for the D&C. Aaron feels like he was holding him when he took his last breath, and for that I am thankful. We are left with thousands of questions and we are so broken down. This was the last thing we expected, even though pre-term labor, insufficient cervix and retained placentas are all linked with having a bicornuate uterus. Everything just happened so fast.
Harper's funeral will be tomorrow. We ask for your prayers not only tomorrow but in the days and months and even years ahead. This is SO hard, especially on top of losing Jonah just eight months ago.
Harper & Mommy:
Monday, October 15, 2012
I Miss You Jonah
I miss you Jonah. And today I miss you even more just thinking about how things should have been. It still doesn't seem real to me that I am a mother to a beautiful boy in Heaven. And most days no one notices....that is hard to grasp since I can't stop thinking about you Jonah.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
These Days...
Wow, it has been awhile since I last posted, not that I have not thought of a million blog posts since my last post! My mind has been in a whirl to say the least. So, I need to catch you up on my life, I guess.
After Jonah’s death, Aaron and I went to a specialist to rule out any possible causes for whatever happened to Jonah. After tons of blood work Jonah’s death was ruled as something that “just happened” and we were told that we may never know. We were told that when we were ready, we could try for more children. Aaron and I knew that in order to continue living, I mean really living, we would need to have a child. You see, seeing our sweet Jonah’s face only made us want a child all the more, despite the hurt in our hearts. In May I decided to buy an Ovulation Predictor Kit, just to make sure that my body was back to normal. After a week and a half of testing twice a day (yes, I know that you are supposed to test once a day...I am a freak!) I finally got a positive. I ran outside to Aaron with the pee stick in my hand to tell him that I was ovulating. He was happy and asked what that meant now. Well, to be honest, I only wanted to see if I was back to normal because if I decided to start trying later on and found out that my body was not "normal" yet, I was going to be mad, upset, etc. But the more I thought about it, I thought that maybe this was my one chance to try...what if I never ovulated again? I would not want to look back and regret that I let the moment slip through my hands. So next thing we know, we are pregnant again. Everything looked good at my first appointment, and while I was scared to death, everything looked healthy. I started having spotting a couple of weeks later, which I also did so with Jonah. I went in to my OB/GYN for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok. During this ultrasound we found a subchorionic bleed which was probably the cause of my spotting, but we also found out that I have a bicornuate uterus. A bicornuate uterus is heart-shaped with two joined cavities whereas a typical uterus has a single cavity. In my case, I have two almost separate uteri. This is now what we think could have caused Jonah’s death. A bicornuate uterus can lead to pregnancy loss, preterm labor, etc. So, we began to carefully monitor this pregnancy, even though we were going in every two weeks to begin with.
We found out at 15 weeks that we are having another little boy, Mr. Harper Bailey Willis. We told our families and close friends that same week, stressing to them that while we know that they are all so excited for us, that God has blessed us with another child in the midst of our deep sadness, we are still keeping our guard up and we do not want to discuss this pregnancy like we did with Jonah. There is just so much fear this time, and it is easier on our hearts if people understand that. Our hearts are still grieving over Jonah and we are nervous about Harper because we already love him so much as well.
We went in for our 18 week ultrasound to measure Harper's growth as well as my uterus' growth. I was nervous all day and I just had a bad feeling, but I only thought there could be something wrong with Harper's growth or my uterus not expanding like it should. The songrapher saw two choroid plexus cysts on Harper's brain and noticed a bright spot in Harper's heart so an appointment was scheduled with my specialist. I was so upset that day, because my OB/GYN told me that these two things are sometimes markers for Trisomy 18 or Down Syndrome. Our appoinment with the specialist was October 3. Dr. Willis, the specialist, saw the cysts and he also told us that he thinks there is a hole in the septum that divides the left and right sides of Harper's heart. He seemed more concerned with Harper's heart than he did the cysts. Harper's growth is measuring perfect, which is a good sign, something that is not usual with Trisomy 18 or Down Syndrome. It is possible that Harper could not have either of these chromosomal abnormalities and that he has a congenital heart defect. Dr. Willis is sending us to Shands in Gainesville to see a Fetal Heart Specialist. I am 20 weeks pregnant right now so I will be 21 weeks and 2 days at my appointment at Shands next week.
It is difficult to explain the many emotions that we are feeling as we travel through this. We would however appreciate it if you would pray for us. Please pray for peace and comfort for me and Aaron because it is a daily struggle even though we know that God is in control. We ask that you please pray specifically for Harper, that he would grow strong and healthy and that his heart would do the same so that we can deliver him and bring him home and raise him up in the Lord. It is a strong desire of ours that people understand that Harper will never take the place of Jonah and he will never “fix” what happened to us in Jonah’s death. We will never be the same as we were before. We will always be missing and grieving Jonah, even in the midst of this scary time filled with worrying and fear for Harper. So, again we covet your prayers in the days and months ahead. Hopefully I will do a better job of keeping you posted!
After Jonah’s death, Aaron and I went to a specialist to rule out any possible causes for whatever happened to Jonah. After tons of blood work Jonah’s death was ruled as something that “just happened” and we were told that we may never know. We were told that when we were ready, we could try for more children. Aaron and I knew that in order to continue living, I mean really living, we would need to have a child. You see, seeing our sweet Jonah’s face only made us want a child all the more, despite the hurt in our hearts. In May I decided to buy an Ovulation Predictor Kit, just to make sure that my body was back to normal. After a week and a half of testing twice a day (yes, I know that you are supposed to test once a day...I am a freak!) I finally got a positive. I ran outside to Aaron with the pee stick in my hand to tell him that I was ovulating. He was happy and asked what that meant now. Well, to be honest, I only wanted to see if I was back to normal because if I decided to start trying later on and found out that my body was not "normal" yet, I was going to be mad, upset, etc. But the more I thought about it, I thought that maybe this was my one chance to try...what if I never ovulated again? I would not want to look back and regret that I let the moment slip through my hands. So next thing we know, we are pregnant again. Everything looked good at my first appointment, and while I was scared to death, everything looked healthy. I started having spotting a couple of weeks later, which I also did so with Jonah. I went in to my OB/GYN for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok. During this ultrasound we found a subchorionic bleed which was probably the cause of my spotting, but we also found out that I have a bicornuate uterus. A bicornuate uterus is heart-shaped with two joined cavities whereas a typical uterus has a single cavity. In my case, I have two almost separate uteri. This is now what we think could have caused Jonah’s death. A bicornuate uterus can lead to pregnancy loss, preterm labor, etc. So, we began to carefully monitor this pregnancy, even though we were going in every two weeks to begin with.
We found out at 15 weeks that we are having another little boy, Mr. Harper Bailey Willis. We told our families and close friends that same week, stressing to them that while we know that they are all so excited for us, that God has blessed us with another child in the midst of our deep sadness, we are still keeping our guard up and we do not want to discuss this pregnancy like we did with Jonah. There is just so much fear this time, and it is easier on our hearts if people understand that. Our hearts are still grieving over Jonah and we are nervous about Harper because we already love him so much as well.
We went in for our 18 week ultrasound to measure Harper's growth as well as my uterus' growth. I was nervous all day and I just had a bad feeling, but I only thought there could be something wrong with Harper's growth or my uterus not expanding like it should. The songrapher saw two choroid plexus cysts on Harper's brain and noticed a bright spot in Harper's heart so an appointment was scheduled with my specialist. I was so upset that day, because my OB/GYN told me that these two things are sometimes markers for Trisomy 18 or Down Syndrome. Our appoinment with the specialist was October 3. Dr. Willis, the specialist, saw the cysts and he also told us that he thinks there is a hole in the septum that divides the left and right sides of Harper's heart. He seemed more concerned with Harper's heart than he did the cysts. Harper's growth is measuring perfect, which is a good sign, something that is not usual with Trisomy 18 or Down Syndrome. It is possible that Harper could not have either of these chromosomal abnormalities and that he has a congenital heart defect. Dr. Willis is sending us to Shands in Gainesville to see a Fetal Heart Specialist. I am 20 weeks pregnant right now so I will be 21 weeks and 2 days at my appointment at Shands next week.
It is difficult to explain the many emotions that we are feeling as we travel through this. We would however appreciate it if you would pray for us. Please pray for peace and comfort for me and Aaron because it is a daily struggle even though we know that God is in control. We ask that you please pray specifically for Harper, that he would grow strong and healthy and that his heart would do the same so that we can deliver him and bring him home and raise him up in the Lord. It is a strong desire of ours that people understand that Harper will never take the place of Jonah and he will never “fix” what happened to us in Jonah’s death. We will never be the same as we were before. We will always be missing and grieving Jonah, even in the midst of this scary time filled with worrying and fear for Harper. So, again we covet your prayers in the days and months ahead. Hopefully I will do a better job of keeping you posted!
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