I have been having a rough couple of days...rougher than what has become my normal. I went to church for the second Sunday in a row and I think today was harder than last Sunday. All through church I was arguing with God...I was telling Him, in my mind, just how mad I am at Him. I am mad that He thought that my child, my one and only child, would be better off anywhere else but in my arms. I am mad that God let me carry my precious Jonah for almost seven months, making me think that he was mine when in truth, I would never really get to have him. I am mad that God let me experience this with my first and only pregnancy, making any future pregnancy that I may ever have a time of absolute fear. I am mad that He chose me and Aaron to bear this cross that NO ONE should ever have to bear...absolutely no one. I am mad that for the rest of my life, this cloud of sadness will follow me from room to room and place to place. I am mad that no matter what happiness life brings my way, every moment will be bittersweet because Jonah is not here. I am mad that I am forced now to live with this gaping wound that won't heal while others look at me as if I need to move on and get over it. I am mad that I feel so alone because no one (besides someone who has experienced a loss such as this) knows how I feel. I am mad that there will come a day when people will look at me and think that I am okay and that the pain has stopped when in reality, it will hurt all the more just because with each passing day I feel it get stronger and stronger. I am mad because I am no longer who I was before all of this and I never will be that girl again. I am mad in more ways than I can type out at God because He knew this would happen all along...He knew that everything that has happened in my life has led me to the day that I lost Jonah.
At the same time, I know God has a purpose and I know God has a plan even though I can't possibly see it right now. I know that Jonah is in Heaven, a perfect place. I know that God will use me and Aaron and this horrible, horrible tragedy that is our lives if we will let Him. I know all of this stuff all too well...BUT, that doesn't make the hurt go away, that doesn't make me miss Jonah any less, that doesn't make me okay with what happened, that doesn't dry my tears, that doesn't make this permanent ache that I feel go away at all and that doesn't make me wanna leave my house and face the stares and the meaningless words that people will offer, thinking they can somehow make this better.
So, by the end of church, I was feeling like I was not the strong Christian woman that I have always thought myself to be. I have never been naive enough to think that just because I am a Christian, troubles will not come my way. But I honestly never thought in a million years that when Jesus said I would have to give up everything to follow Him, He would mean that I would have to live without my child...my heart. It floors me to think that He would even have that in the cards for me...
After church was over, a close friend of mine came up to me and gave me a folded up note and told me to read it but that he wanted it back. When I got in the car I opened it up. It was a letter I had written to him when I was 18 years old and his brother had died. In the note I wrote out the verses of Joshua 4:5-7. These verses are about the stones from the Jordan being a memorial to the people of Israel and what God had done for these people. I then wrote this to my friend:
"God is always faithful and He always keeps His promises, no matter what your Jordan River looks like. God promises that He will not only part the waters for you, He will walk through it with you."
I think this was God's response to our conversation during church. Yes, God saw this coming from 100 miles away and yes, God is letting me feel this pain that goes all the way to the core of my being and yes, the answers to what happened seem to elude me but God has promised me that He will be with me. He will hold me while I cry all the time...He will take care of Jonah until that sweet day when I get to hold my baby boy and feel breath in his chest...me and Aaron don't have to go through this alone because God is hurting with us. So, God understands my frustrations and He understands that I am mad at Him at the very same time that I am seeking comfort from Him...and He understands that I will NEVER understand and I will NEVER be able to shake Jonah and my experience with him from my thoughts as long as I live...and that does not make me any less of a Christian.
I miss you so, sweet Jonah...more than you could possibly know...
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Three Weeks Later
The place that I work told me to take as much time off as I needed and I decided to take my maternity leave. I just could not see going back to the place where I sat day after day daydreaming about Jonah and how things would be once he arrived. I used to search all over the web in my downtime at work to find things for Jonah's room or to get ideas for pictures I wanted to have taken of Jonah. Every thought I had the past almost seven months at work was always about Jonah in some way or another.
So, this is week three of my maternity leave. I can't believe it has been three weeks since everything happened and I can't believe how fast time is flying by. My days consist of going to work-out at the YMCA with my sister Erin and my friend Shianna, walking at home with Ruby and thinking about Jonah constantly. Not one moment goes by in a day that he is not in my thoughts...not one single moment at all. At first I did not go anywhere unless I was going with Aaron to another town, where I would not see anyone that I knew and that is what we did the first week or so. Aaron only worked half-days so he could be with me more and so that we could just get aways some afternoons. Last Sunday I started going back to church and to Grunt's (my grandma's) for lunch afterwards but that is the extent of my outings in Moultrie (besides the YMCA to work-out). I have also went out to eat twice (reluctantly) in town with friends, trying to get me out of the house. I just have no desire to...nothing matters to me or seems important except for Jonah and this pain that I feel and I don't care to see people that I know who will say stupid things to me, trying to make things better when in reality, there is nothing they could possibly say that would make this better. Everything else in life, besides this hurt and loss that me and Aaron feel just seems so petty and pointless now.
So, this is week three of my maternity leave. I can't believe it has been three weeks since everything happened and I can't believe how fast time is flying by. My days consist of going to work-out at the YMCA with my sister Erin and my friend Shianna, walking at home with Ruby and thinking about Jonah constantly. Not one moment goes by in a day that he is not in my thoughts...not one single moment at all. At first I did not go anywhere unless I was going with Aaron to another town, where I would not see anyone that I knew and that is what we did the first week or so. Aaron only worked half-days so he could be with me more and so that we could just get aways some afternoons. Last Sunday I started going back to church and to Grunt's (my grandma's) for lunch afterwards but that is the extent of my outings in Moultrie (besides the YMCA to work-out). I have also went out to eat twice (reluctantly) in town with friends, trying to get me out of the house. I just have no desire to...nothing matters to me or seems important except for Jonah and this pain that I feel and I don't care to see people that I know who will say stupid things to me, trying to make things better when in reality, there is nothing they could possibly say that would make this better. Everything else in life, besides this hurt and loss that me and Aaron feel just seems so petty and pointless now.
February 1, 2012
On Tuesday, January 31, me and Aaron arrived at Archbold Medical Center in Thomasville at 7:50am, 20 minutes late. We are late for everything, so why not on one of the worst days of our lives, too? We went to registration where, fyi: the people checking you in know nothing about your story. The lady that was getting me registered asked me if this was my first child and I said yes, as tears started to well up in my eyes and stream down my face. She assured me that there was nothing to worry about and she kept on until Aaron had to tell her the awful truth that surrounded why I was checking in to be induced that day. I knew that she didn't know but it still hurt...They loaded me into a wheel chair and took me to Labor and Delivery, with Aaron walking behind us the whole way. I fought back tears that whole ride and I remember thinking that none of these people that I was passing knew why I was there, none of them knew that I was being shuffled off to give birth to my son whose heart was no longer beating, none of these people knew that in a couple days I would be burying my baby.
Dr. Bruhn came in and did one more ultrasound, at my request, just to make sure that nothing had changed...and much to my dismay, nothing had changed. My nurse was a lady named Laura and she was so nice. I got into my hospital gown, with Aaron's help, and once I got in the bed, Laura came and put my IV in. I don't know why but I thought that everything would go smoothly, seeing as how my child was taken away from me, but I was wrong. It took Laura three tries to get the IV started, but it was not her fault. I had not eaten since 5:30pm the day before and even though my veins were very visible, it took three times. Once we got everything situated, Dr. Bruhn came in at 9am to give me four Cytotec (sp?) vaginally....and yeah, you read that right...extremely uncomfortable is all I will say. The Cytotec was what was going to induce my labor. So then we just waited. Me and Aaron's whole families were there all day, coming in and out of the room and the waiting room area to check on us and show their love and concern. My back started to hurt and I was cramping and just uncomfortable. At 3pm Dr. Bruhn checked me and I was only 1cm. dilated. So, she gave me some more Cytotec vaginally. She also said I could have some Stadall (sp?) to help with some of the pain. After reassuring me that it would wear off after a couple of hours, I decided that I wanted some. I just did not want to miss a thing, especially since I would only have so much time to hold and see Jonah, as opposed to the rest of his life. At 9pm, Dr. Bruhn checked me and I was around 2cm. dilated, but I was hurting pretty bad. They told me that I could get my epidural and it would probably help to relax me and speed things up so I agreed that it was time for that. Dr. Beason came up and did the epidural. Aaron let me squeeze his hands as hard as I could the whole time, and he was the absolute best partner ever to have while getting an epidural. My nurse Laura came and said goodbye and introduced us to our new nurse for the night, Heather. Then we waited some more...Dr. Bruhn came in and checked me around 3am, I was still 2cm. and she gave me some more Cytotec vaginally. I remember falling asleep and waking up around 5am or so. I was sweating and burning up and I was so uncomfortable. My right side and right side of my back was hurting so bad. I felt like I was going to be sick and Aaron moved the trashcan near to the side of the bed for me, but I hadn't ate in awhile so it was just me, dry-heaving. I got Aaron to call the nurse because I told him that I needed Dr. Bruhn, that I just could not do this anymore. The nurse kind of acted like I was just a put-on and after gathering all of the trash in the room (!) she decided she would go call Dr. Bruhn. Dr. Bruhn came in around 5:40am and checked me and I was 10cm. dilated! She looked at me and said she needed me to push. I was so shocked and scared that the moment was finally here.
Jonah was breech and we knew that from the beginning. I didn't have to push for too long and once I knew Jonah was out, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. Babies were supposed to be crying once they entered the world, but in our room there was no sound at all. I was so scared of what he might look like and I was so completely crushed that my baby boy was gone. The nurse got Jonah bundled up in a blanket and handed him to me and Aaron. We held him and we just cried. Jonah was born at 5:54am on February 1, 2012. We told Dr. Bruhn to please tell our families in the waiting area that we had him but we did not want them to remember him that way so we did not want anyone to come into our room. Jonah was perfectly formed and 2lbs exactly and 15 inches long. He had dark hair and his eyes were just beginning to not be fused-shut. But, because I have a small pelvic area, it was difficult for me to have him and because his skin was very delicate, he did not have much skin at all on most of his body, except for his perfect little head, arms and feet. While I was still holding him, the door to our room opened and my Mama and my older sister, Erin walked in. I told them we did not want anyone to see Jonah and I went all hysterical on them until they left the room. I somehow got myself together and called my Mama and told her they could come back, I was sorry. Apparently, they were not in the waiting area so Dr. Bruhn did not tell them not to come in to our room and our nurse did not stop them either. My Mama, Erin, my sister Sarah and her husband Clint, Aaron's parents and his sister Ashley and my Aunt Debbie were the only ones to see Jonah. Our nurse now was Michelle, and she took Jonah and took some pictures of him for us and she made footprints and handprints for us and looking back, I am so glad that she did all of that.
Well, like I said, I thought everything would go smoothly but I was wrong. The placenta did not want to come out so Dr. Bruhn said she would come back in an hour and try to get it out again. Over the next several hours, Dr. Bruhn tried as well as Dr. McCollum, several times. They eventually gave me some Cytotec orally to see if it would help the placenta to come out on its own, but that did not work. They finally decided to take me to surgery and do a D&C to remove the placenta. I still remember the look on Aaron's face when they took me to the elevator and he could go no further. He looked so scared because he was so worried about me and he was so mad about everything I had had to go through so far. After I woke up from the surgery, they took me to the third floor of the hospital, not OB. They say it is cruel to keep you on the same floor as all of these other moms and dads that are happy and welcoming their new healthy babies into the world so that is why they put you on a different floor. But, part of me thinks they do it because they don't want those happy moms and dads to see the harsh reality that not all pregnancies and births end happily, and they don't want to dampen those new parents' enthusiasm. That's just me, though...
They finally released me from the hospital on Thursday, February 2, around 2pm. When we left the hospital, me and Aaron stopped by Belk to see if we could find anything to wear to Jonah's funeral and then we headed to Moultrie to the funeral home to make all of the arrangements. At Cobb, the funeral home, we decided on a graveside funeral, for anyone that wanted to attend, and we decided on the order of the service. Next we went to pick out a plot for our sweet baby boy....the most awful thing a parent should ever have to do...decide where to bury their child. Then, we went to Flowers By Barrett, and spoke with the florist about what we wanted for Jonah's funeral. We went home and some friends and family stopped by until it was time for bed. Me and Aaron asked that people please give us space that Friday, so we could just rest and be alone with each other. The funeral was that Saturday, February 4 at 11am. And, it was really beautiful...as much as a funeral can be, especially that of a child. And we went home, empty-handed because our Jonah was in a coffin, never to be held by us again.
Dr. Bruhn came in and did one more ultrasound, at my request, just to make sure that nothing had changed...and much to my dismay, nothing had changed. My nurse was a lady named Laura and she was so nice. I got into my hospital gown, with Aaron's help, and once I got in the bed, Laura came and put my IV in. I don't know why but I thought that everything would go smoothly, seeing as how my child was taken away from me, but I was wrong. It took Laura three tries to get the IV started, but it was not her fault. I had not eaten since 5:30pm the day before and even though my veins were very visible, it took three times. Once we got everything situated, Dr. Bruhn came in at 9am to give me four Cytotec (sp?) vaginally....and yeah, you read that right...extremely uncomfortable is all I will say. The Cytotec was what was going to induce my labor. So then we just waited. Me and Aaron's whole families were there all day, coming in and out of the room and the waiting room area to check on us and show their love and concern. My back started to hurt and I was cramping and just uncomfortable. At 3pm Dr. Bruhn checked me and I was only 1cm. dilated. So, she gave me some more Cytotec vaginally. She also said I could have some Stadall (sp?) to help with some of the pain. After reassuring me that it would wear off after a couple of hours, I decided that I wanted some. I just did not want to miss a thing, especially since I would only have so much time to hold and see Jonah, as opposed to the rest of his life. At 9pm, Dr. Bruhn checked me and I was around 2cm. dilated, but I was hurting pretty bad. They told me that I could get my epidural and it would probably help to relax me and speed things up so I agreed that it was time for that. Dr. Beason came up and did the epidural. Aaron let me squeeze his hands as hard as I could the whole time, and he was the absolute best partner ever to have while getting an epidural. My nurse Laura came and said goodbye and introduced us to our new nurse for the night, Heather. Then we waited some more...Dr. Bruhn came in and checked me around 3am, I was still 2cm. and she gave me some more Cytotec vaginally. I remember falling asleep and waking up around 5am or so. I was sweating and burning up and I was so uncomfortable. My right side and right side of my back was hurting so bad. I felt like I was going to be sick and Aaron moved the trashcan near to the side of the bed for me, but I hadn't ate in awhile so it was just me, dry-heaving. I got Aaron to call the nurse because I told him that I needed Dr. Bruhn, that I just could not do this anymore. The nurse kind of acted like I was just a put-on and after gathering all of the trash in the room (!) she decided she would go call Dr. Bruhn. Dr. Bruhn came in around 5:40am and checked me and I was 10cm. dilated! She looked at me and said she needed me to push. I was so shocked and scared that the moment was finally here.
Jonah was breech and we knew that from the beginning. I didn't have to push for too long and once I knew Jonah was out, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. Babies were supposed to be crying once they entered the world, but in our room there was no sound at all. I was so scared of what he might look like and I was so completely crushed that my baby boy was gone. The nurse got Jonah bundled up in a blanket and handed him to me and Aaron. We held him and we just cried. Jonah was born at 5:54am on February 1, 2012. We told Dr. Bruhn to please tell our families in the waiting area that we had him but we did not want them to remember him that way so we did not want anyone to come into our room. Jonah was perfectly formed and 2lbs exactly and 15 inches long. He had dark hair and his eyes were just beginning to not be fused-shut. But, because I have a small pelvic area, it was difficult for me to have him and because his skin was very delicate, he did not have much skin at all on most of his body, except for his perfect little head, arms and feet. While I was still holding him, the door to our room opened and my Mama and my older sister, Erin walked in. I told them we did not want anyone to see Jonah and I went all hysterical on them until they left the room. I somehow got myself together and called my Mama and told her they could come back, I was sorry. Apparently, they were not in the waiting area so Dr. Bruhn did not tell them not to come in to our room and our nurse did not stop them either. My Mama, Erin, my sister Sarah and her husband Clint, Aaron's parents and his sister Ashley and my Aunt Debbie were the only ones to see Jonah. Our nurse now was Michelle, and she took Jonah and took some pictures of him for us and she made footprints and handprints for us and looking back, I am so glad that she did all of that.
Well, like I said, I thought everything would go smoothly but I was wrong. The placenta did not want to come out so Dr. Bruhn said she would come back in an hour and try to get it out again. Over the next several hours, Dr. Bruhn tried as well as Dr. McCollum, several times. They eventually gave me some Cytotec orally to see if it would help the placenta to come out on its own, but that did not work. They finally decided to take me to surgery and do a D&C to remove the placenta. I still remember the look on Aaron's face when they took me to the elevator and he could go no further. He looked so scared because he was so worried about me and he was so mad about everything I had had to go through so far. After I woke up from the surgery, they took me to the third floor of the hospital, not OB. They say it is cruel to keep you on the same floor as all of these other moms and dads that are happy and welcoming their new healthy babies into the world so that is why they put you on a different floor. But, part of me thinks they do it because they don't want those happy moms and dads to see the harsh reality that not all pregnancies and births end happily, and they don't want to dampen those new parents' enthusiasm. That's just me, though...
They finally released me from the hospital on Thursday, February 2, around 2pm. When we left the hospital, me and Aaron stopped by Belk to see if we could find anything to wear to Jonah's funeral and then we headed to Moultrie to the funeral home to make all of the arrangements. At Cobb, the funeral home, we decided on a graveside funeral, for anyone that wanted to attend, and we decided on the order of the service. Next we went to pick out a plot for our sweet baby boy....the most awful thing a parent should ever have to do...decide where to bury their child. Then, we went to Flowers By Barrett, and spoke with the florist about what we wanted for Jonah's funeral. We went home and some friends and family stopped by until it was time for bed. Me and Aaron asked that people please give us space that Friday, so we could just rest and be alone with each other. The funeral was that Saturday, February 4 at 11am. And, it was really beautiful...as much as a funeral can be, especially that of a child. And we went home, empty-handed because our Jonah was in a coffin, never to be held by us again.
26 Weeks
I was 26 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband, Aaron, had been out of town for a National Sales Convention for work. I went to Dr. Bruhn on Tuesday, January 24 for my scheduled appointment. This was the only appointment that Aaron had not been able to make so Sarah, my twin sister, went with me. At this appointment I had to do the whole glucose tolerance test thing and I was thrilled when the nurse told me that my blood sugar levels and hemoglobin were both perfect. Dr. Bruhn got out her hand-held dopler and listened to Jonah's heart beat at 150 beats per minute. She assured me that everything looked great and she would see me back in four weeks.
After this appointment, the rest of the week I kept thinking that it was strange that I had not felt Jonah move since Tuesday, or was it Monday? I couldn't remember the last time that I felt him move and that was bothering me. Aaron came home on Thursday and I told him that I had not felt Jonah move. He assured me that he was probably fine and I was just trying too hard to feel him move. I figured Aaron was right and I tried to push the thought to the side. Well, by Sunday I could not push it away any longer. That afternoon, while getting all of our documents together so we could get our taxes done, I decided I would drink a Supernova Mountain Dew. I do not normally drink regular drinks, especially not Mountain Dew because it is loaded with calories, sugar, caffiene and I would rather eat my calories in chocoloate than drink them! But, I figured this drink would definitely make Jonah move so I drank the whole thing. And there was nothing. I remember going to church that night where we were having a "Fifth Sunday Night Sing" and all I could think about was why hadn't Jonah moved. I remember feeling mad and angry but not really knowing why. I sat with my hand on my stomach the entire church service. After church on Sunday nights, me and Aaron always go to Wal-Mart and get our groceries for the week. While there, I bought a fetal heart monitor, even though I thought it was ridiculous that it was about $25...but the price didn't matter if I could get some sort of peace-of-mind. When we got home, me and Aaron and Ruby (our Weimeraner and baby girl!) piled-up on the couch with the fetal heart monitor. It had two sets of earbuds so me and Aaron could both listen at the same time. I searched and searched but I figured I was either missing Jonah's heartbeat or I didn't know what I was doing. We listened for my heartbeat, Aaron's heartbeat and even Ruby's and we heard everyone but I just could not get Jonah's to pick up. I finally got so frustrated and gave up and we all went to bed.
The next morning I went to work and I emailed my Aunt Debbie who is the head of OB at the hospital in town. When I didn't hear back from her a couple of hours later I decided I would just call her. I went downstairs to my friend's office so that no one would hear me and get in my business, afterall, I was probably just being a worry-wart. Amanda let me use her phone and pretty soon I was explaining everything to my Aunt Debbie, fighting back a lump in my throat that just appeared out of nowhere. We decided that I would stop by the hospital when I left for lunch and Aunt Debbie would try to see if she could hear Jonah's heartbeat. My boss said for me to take as much time as I needed and I called Aaron and told him that I would call him as soon as I was done so he would feel better as well.
When I got there, Aunt Debbie took me into a room and used a big monitor to try and hear the heartbeat. After it didn't work for her she went and got the hand-held doppler, saying it usually worked better for her than the big monitor anyways. While she was running it all over my stomach, I couldn't stop the tears anymore. Dr. Bruhn had never had a problem finding Jonah's heartbeat so why couldn't we find it now? I just knew, deep down, that something was not right. Aunt Debbie told me to stop crying, that everything was fine and then she stepped out of the room for a moment. When she came back in, she brought a midwife in with the older ultrasound machine that they use on the OB floor. The midwife began searching for the heartbeat with the ultrasound and told me that there was no fluttering of the heart on the machine. She wanted to admit me and have someone from Radiology to come and do a more high-tech ultrasound. By now I was crying, I couldn't hold it back anymore. Aunt Debbie called Aaron to tell him that he needed to come to the hospital. When Aaron got there he busted out crying and asked me what was going on, what had happened...By the time I told him that they couldn't find Jonah's heartbeat, the lady from Radiology was there, ready to do an ultrasound. She looked for several minutes and took pictures, only to turn her head towards my Aunt Debbie and shake her head. I just fell apart right then because I was so confused, so hurt and just so shocked that at one minute everything was fine, and the next minute my whole world was upside down. Several of our family members and a couple close friends stopped by in the next 30 minutes that followed to cry with us and to show us that they care. Ultimately, we decided that we wanted to go see Dr. Bruhn, my regular doctor, because I was still going to have to deliver my Jonah...just because he was gone didn't mean that it was all over right then.
We stopped by our house to let Ruby out and to pack a bag just in case we needed it and then we headed to Thomasville to Dr. Bruhn's office, who knew we were on our way. Once there, Dr. Bruhn explained what had to happen and we decided that we wanted to do everything as soon as possible, so as not to drag everything out. Dr. Bruhn pulled some strings so that I could still get an epidural even though I had not had the chance to sign up for one yet and it was decided that I would come back the next morning at 7:30 am to the hospital in Thomasville and I would be induced. We left and decided we were hungry and we wanted to just go sit somewhere and eat and talk, by ourselves. We went to Longhorn's and we just sat there and ate in disbelief. Once we were finished, we went home to our Ruby and then family members trickled in to check on us until it was time to go to bed and get prepared for what the next day would hold.
After this appointment, the rest of the week I kept thinking that it was strange that I had not felt Jonah move since Tuesday, or was it Monday? I couldn't remember the last time that I felt him move and that was bothering me. Aaron came home on Thursday and I told him that I had not felt Jonah move. He assured me that he was probably fine and I was just trying too hard to feel him move. I figured Aaron was right and I tried to push the thought to the side. Well, by Sunday I could not push it away any longer. That afternoon, while getting all of our documents together so we could get our taxes done, I decided I would drink a Supernova Mountain Dew. I do not normally drink regular drinks, especially not Mountain Dew because it is loaded with calories, sugar, caffiene and I would rather eat my calories in chocoloate than drink them! But, I figured this drink would definitely make Jonah move so I drank the whole thing. And there was nothing. I remember going to church that night where we were having a "Fifth Sunday Night Sing" and all I could think about was why hadn't Jonah moved. I remember feeling mad and angry but not really knowing why. I sat with my hand on my stomach the entire church service. After church on Sunday nights, me and Aaron always go to Wal-Mart and get our groceries for the week. While there, I bought a fetal heart monitor, even though I thought it was ridiculous that it was about $25...but the price didn't matter if I could get some sort of peace-of-mind. When we got home, me and Aaron and Ruby (our Weimeraner and baby girl!) piled-up on the couch with the fetal heart monitor. It had two sets of earbuds so me and Aaron could both listen at the same time. I searched and searched but I figured I was either missing Jonah's heartbeat or I didn't know what I was doing. We listened for my heartbeat, Aaron's heartbeat and even Ruby's and we heard everyone but I just could not get Jonah's to pick up. I finally got so frustrated and gave up and we all went to bed.
The next morning I went to work and I emailed my Aunt Debbie who is the head of OB at the hospital in town. When I didn't hear back from her a couple of hours later I decided I would just call her. I went downstairs to my friend's office so that no one would hear me and get in my business, afterall, I was probably just being a worry-wart. Amanda let me use her phone and pretty soon I was explaining everything to my Aunt Debbie, fighting back a lump in my throat that just appeared out of nowhere. We decided that I would stop by the hospital when I left for lunch and Aunt Debbie would try to see if she could hear Jonah's heartbeat. My boss said for me to take as much time as I needed and I called Aaron and told him that I would call him as soon as I was done so he would feel better as well.
When I got there, Aunt Debbie took me into a room and used a big monitor to try and hear the heartbeat. After it didn't work for her she went and got the hand-held doppler, saying it usually worked better for her than the big monitor anyways. While she was running it all over my stomach, I couldn't stop the tears anymore. Dr. Bruhn had never had a problem finding Jonah's heartbeat so why couldn't we find it now? I just knew, deep down, that something was not right. Aunt Debbie told me to stop crying, that everything was fine and then she stepped out of the room for a moment. When she came back in, she brought a midwife in with the older ultrasound machine that they use on the OB floor. The midwife began searching for the heartbeat with the ultrasound and told me that there was no fluttering of the heart on the machine. She wanted to admit me and have someone from Radiology to come and do a more high-tech ultrasound. By now I was crying, I couldn't hold it back anymore. Aunt Debbie called Aaron to tell him that he needed to come to the hospital. When Aaron got there he busted out crying and asked me what was going on, what had happened...By the time I told him that they couldn't find Jonah's heartbeat, the lady from Radiology was there, ready to do an ultrasound. She looked for several minutes and took pictures, only to turn her head towards my Aunt Debbie and shake her head. I just fell apart right then because I was so confused, so hurt and just so shocked that at one minute everything was fine, and the next minute my whole world was upside down. Several of our family members and a couple close friends stopped by in the next 30 minutes that followed to cry with us and to show us that they care. Ultimately, we decided that we wanted to go see Dr. Bruhn, my regular doctor, because I was still going to have to deliver my Jonah...just because he was gone didn't mean that it was all over right then.
We stopped by our house to let Ruby out and to pack a bag just in case we needed it and then we headed to Thomasville to Dr. Bruhn's office, who knew we were on our way. Once there, Dr. Bruhn explained what had to happen and we decided that we wanted to do everything as soon as possible, so as not to drag everything out. Dr. Bruhn pulled some strings so that I could still get an epidural even though I had not had the chance to sign up for one yet and it was decided that I would come back the next morning at 7:30 am to the hospital in Thomasville and I would be induced. We left and decided we were hungry and we wanted to just go sit somewhere and eat and talk, by ourselves. We went to Longhorn's and we just sat there and ate in disbelief. Once we were finished, we went home to our Ruby and then family members trickled in to check on us until it was time to go to bed and get prepared for what the next day would hold.
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