Hard Days

Everyday seems to be hard in its own way. Today has been no different. It is hard to get up every morning knowing that your two baby boys are in Heaven and you are here. It is hard trying to lose this weight, this big reminder of what should have been, twice now. And you know, it is not like I need reminders....Jonah and Harper and everything about each of their stories weighs heavy on my mind at all times. I got some mail today, some much anticipated mail. Harper's birth certificate. It wasn't quite what I had expected. Stamped in all caps across the certificate were the words "DECEASED" as if I did not know this. As if I were not present for the birth or death of my second child...

And then I opened up a letter from our insurance company. In the three years that me and Aaron have been married we have never gotten new insurance cards. So why wouldn't we get some in the mail today with Harper's name listed as a dependent? Another cruel reminder that Harper depended on me and my body let him down.

Like I said, I don't need reminders. Jonah and Harper are all I think about all day, everyday. It is just the little things that make me lose it. And there are a lot of little things it seems.