These Days...

Wow, it has been awhile since I last posted, not that I have not thought of a million blog posts since my last post! My mind has been in a whirl to say the least. So, I need to catch you up on my life, I guess.

After Jonah’s death, Aaron and I went to a specialist to rule out any possible causes for whatever happened to Jonah. After tons of blood work Jonah’s death was ruled as something that “just happened” and we were told that we may never know. We were told that when we were ready, we could try for more children. Aaron and I knew that in order to continue living, I mean really living, we would need to have a child. You see, seeing our sweet Jonah’s face only made us want a child all the more, despite the hurt in our hearts. In May I decided to buy an Ovulation Predictor Kit, just to make sure that my body was back to normal. After a week and a half of testing twice a day (yes, I know that you are supposed to test once a day...I am a freak!) I finally got a positive. I ran outside to Aaron with the pee stick in my hand to tell him that I was ovulating. He was happy and asked what that meant now. Well, to be honest, I only wanted to see if I was back to normal because if I decided to start trying later on and found out that my body was not "normal" yet, I was going to be mad, upset, etc. But the more I thought about it, I thought that maybe this was my one chance to try...what if I never ovulated again? I would not want to look back and regret that I let the moment slip through my hands. So next thing we know, we are pregnant again. Everything looked good at my first appointment, and while I was scared to death, everything looked healthy. I started having spotting a couple of weeks later, which I also did so with Jonah. I went in to my OB/GYN for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok. During this ultrasound we found a subchorionic bleed which was probably the cause of my spotting, but we also found out that I have a bicornuate uterus. A bicornuate uterus is heart-shaped with two joined cavities whereas a typical uterus has a single cavity. In my case, I have two almost separate uteri. This is now what we think could have caused Jonah’s death. A bicornuate uterus can lead to pregnancy loss, preterm labor, etc. So, we began to carefully monitor this pregnancy, even though we were going in every two weeks to begin with.

We found out at 15 weeks that we are having another little boy, Mr. Harper Bailey Willis. We told our families and close friends that same week, stressing to them that while we know that they are all so excited for us, that God has blessed us with another child in the midst of our deep sadness, we are still keeping our guard up and we do not want to discuss this pregnancy like we did with Jonah. There is just so much fear this time, and it is easier on our hearts if people understand that. Our hearts are still grieving over Jonah and we are nervous about Harper because we already love him so much as well. 

We went in for our 18 week ultrasound to measure Harper's growth as well as my uterus' growth. I was nervous all day and I just had a bad feeling, but I only thought there could be something wrong with Harper's growth or my uterus not expanding like it should. The songrapher saw two choroid plexus cysts on Harper's brain and noticed a bright spot in Harper's heart so an appointment was scheduled with my specialist. I was so upset that day, because my OB/GYN told me that these two things are sometimes markers for Trisomy 18 or Down Syndrome. Our appoinment with the specialist was October 3. Dr. Willis, the specialist, saw the cysts and he also told us that he thinks there is a hole in the septum that divides the left and right sides of Harper's heart. He seemed more concerned with Harper's heart than he did the cysts. Harper's growth is measuring perfect, which is a good sign, something that is not usual with Trisomy 18 or Down Syndrome. It is possible that Harper could not have either of these chromosomal abnormalities and that he has a congenital heart defect. Dr. Willis is sending us to Shands in Gainesville to see a Fetal Heart Specialist. I am 20 weeks pregnant right now so I will be 21 weeks and 2 days at my appointment at Shands next week.

It is difficult to explain the many emotions that we are feeling as we travel through this. We would however appreciate it if you would pray for us. Please pray for peace and comfort for me and Aaron because it is a daily struggle even though we know that God is in control. We ask that you please pray specifically for Harper, that he would grow strong and healthy and that his heart would do the same so that we can deliver him and bring him home and raise him up in the Lord. It is a strong desire of ours that people understand that Harper will never take the place of Jonah and he will never “fix” what happened to us in Jonah’s death. We will never be the same as we were before. We will always be missing and grieving Jonah, even in the midst of this scary time filled with worrying and fear for Harper. So, again we covet your prayers in the days and months ahead. Hopefully I will do a better job of keeping you posted!