This Really Sucks (For Lack Of A Better Title)

So it has been one week and five days since I gave birth to Harper. I still can't wrap my mind around this. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I have not just one, but two baby boys in Heaven and I am here, without them. I know all about this process, the grief process. I know that God can use all of this for His Glory. But that doesn't mean I will sugarcoat it: this sucks. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would lose Jonah. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would lose another child after him. I was terrified this whole pregnancy with Harper. Some days I would panic, thinking that I must have been crazy to put myself out there on the line again, knowing I could not control anything about Harper and whether or not he made it here safe and sound. But, honestly.....I never really thought something so horrible could happen again, even though it was different circumstances. What kind of cruel world is this that a mother can lose more than one child? I mean seriously...it doesn't even make sense. I never dreamed I would go through the darkest of days again but here I am smack-dab in the middle of them. Harper was supposed to give me hope. He was supposed to help me and Aaron rise from the horrible loss of Jonah. We were going to have a reason to smile again. And while I can smile that Harper lived for a few hours, that we got that much, it doesn't seem like enough to last me the rest of my days.

I am scared for what our future holds. I am scared that I may never "bounce back" from this loss. I was actually making some progress with Jonah's death, be it ever so small, but to add the loss of Harper on top of it...I am right back where I started, on January 30, the day we found out that Jonah's heart was no longer beating. Now I wonder if we will ever get to have a child of our own, made-up of both Aaron and I, that lives and breathes and that gets to come home and grow up. And I wonder that if we do not, how will I ever live with that...because I am not so sure that I can. I am meeting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist in a couple of weeks. Hopefully he will be able to tell me what he thinks the problem is. Aaron will have bloodwork since I have already had all of my blood genetically tested. We are waiting to hear back from the results of the placenta. Hopefully all of these things will help us to know where to go from here. As you know, I lost half of my blood volume during Harper's delivery and it was very dangerous. We need to figure out why this happened because it cannot happen again. Our desire for a child is so strong but our desire for each other is stronger...we need to both be here to take care of a child. So, there is a lot of information that we are processing or will be processing in the future. My prayer is that God would speak loud and clear to both Aaron and I and let us know what He would have us do. I do not want there to be a shadow of a doubt as to what God would have us do.

I hope it is evident that I am trusting God, but I also hope it is clear that we are not okay with everything that has happened. We will carry Jonah and Harper with us for the rest of our lives, no matter what else happens, good or bad. I will never be able to stop thinking about my pregnancy with Jonah and the joy that he brought us. I will never be able to forget his kicks or how he loved strawberries. I will never forget the feeling of despair that swept over me and has stayed with me since we found out that Jonah was gone. I will never forget anything from the hospital or the funeral. I will never be able to stop thinking about my pregnancy with Harper and the hope that it brought us. I will never forget feeling him in a ball when he would move somewhere else in my tummy or how he liked strawberries as well. I will never forget the feeling of disbelief that swept over me when my water broke, the moment I realized that Harper would be born too early. This feeling has stayed with me as well. I will never forget anything from Shands or the funeral. I will carry everything I have concerning both of my boys for the rest of my life and I will never be the same.

I know all of this cannot be in vain...but I so wish it could all be undone and that I could have Jonah and Harper both here with me. Me and Aaron have so much love to give to them, I think that is why it all hurts so bad...this grief is all we can do for them now...and that really sucks.