Six Months

Jonah,
I cannot believe that it has been six months....half of a year....since I held you in my arms. I cannot believe how heartbroken I am still. It is as if time means nothing to this broken heart of mine because I still cringe at the thought of all that happened on February 1 and the days leading up to it. I still want to run out of the room when someone starts talking about babies and pregnancy and their own children. I still tell God that this is some horrible mistake, you can't really be gone. I still look at your pictures everyday and I think about how precious and beautiful you were. I still wonder what you would have looked like as you got older and your personality set in.

I am still trying to figure out where I go from here and I am afraid that I will never figure it out. But then again, I don't think this is something that I am mean't to figure out, at least not here on earth anyway. I think I will always be stumbling around this life, as if in the dark, because the light surely dimmed for me when you were taken so soon from me. But I guess that is okay too because my eyes are learning how to adjust to this new lighting, painful as it is. The truth is, I live and breath you Jonah. Apart from you and your Daddy and Ruby, I don't know a thing.

So, this is how it is for me, six months later, Jonah. I still miss you and ache for you terribly. I'm so sorry that I am not stronger than this. I am still wrestling with God, still pitching a fit. But I think, or rather, hope He understands. I love you baby boy, so much! I love you so much, that is why I am having a hard time recovering...I just wanted you SO bad, Jonah...

Becoming A Hermit

I think I'm going to become a hermit. I will go to work, church and the YMCA but that is it. These days crowds give me anxiety, especially crowded restaurants. I can't seem to go anywhere without feeling like I don't belong or like everyone in the room is looking at me or talking about how I am doing. Just last night I felt like I was going to lose my composure while waiting with my husband for my sister and brother in law to show up for dinner at a local restaurant. I sighed in relief when they finally walked through the door. Today I had a yard sale with my Mama and older sister, Erin, at my Mama's house. This lady showed up with her nine, yes nine, kids in tow. I recognize this lady because I have heard all about her before. She gives birth to all of her kids at home without any medical help. And she has nine kids and I can't have just one, just Jonah. After I saw this lady walk up I couldn't shake this from my mind, and then I saw this other lady that has 5 or 6 of her own children, so I went to the bathroom and had a good sob fest...and no one knew. I went back outside and tried to keep it together until my Mama felt the need to point out to me that the lady had nine kids, to which I snapped an told her thanks for pointing that out to me and that I already knew that an I went back to the bathroom and continued my earlier sob fest. I am just so mad that Jonah is gone and I refuse to sugar-coat it. The worst part is, I don't feel like this anger will ever subside, ever. So, for now I am becoming a hermit, crowds and greedy people are overrated anyway.

My Sweet Friend

A very dear friend of mine lost her baby yesterday. She was 12 weeks along. Not to mention that her first pregnancy ended in the stillbirth of her baby girl, Olivia and for the past year my friend has been struggling with fertility issues... I am just so heartbroken for my friend and her husband. So devastated and mad and frustrated. I do not understand why she must face all of this difficulty and heartache. I do not understand why God allows these things...especially repeatedly. But I know I am not supposed to understand God's ways. I just can't stop thinking about my friend and the new found hope she had when she found out she was pregnant, only to have it all taken away again...and this just makes me mad. There is really no other way to put it. I am mad. At God. At life. At others who have no idea of the depth of her pain. At myself and my own loss. I am just plain mad. Olivia, Jonah and this sweet little baby...how we wish we could have you this side of Heaven...we can't wait to be with you one day.

Thinking About You

Jonah, you are ALL that I think about! I can't stop thinking about being pregnant with you. About strawberries and seabands and endless thoughts of life with you. I can't stop replaying in my head everything that happened during the worst week of my life: finding out that your little heart was not beating, going to the hospital to be induced, delivering you....every.single.thing.about that week. I go to your room and I imagine it being complete. One day I even had the crazy notion that I should finish it...but I just can't, knowing that you will never get to enjoy it...but I still imagine it done. I look in your closet and it makes me mad that you will never get to wear those clothes. And don't even get me started on that Charlie Brown and Snoopy wall decal...I don't know how I will ever take it down...

And...it still hurts so bad to know that everyone else's life keeps moving forward and I am stuck here, mostly because I don't know where to go from here...from life without you, Jonah. But that is just the thing...my life will never be "without you" because you are so intertwined in it all for me. The struggle lies in marrying the past and the present for me....figuring out how to live with you gone while still moving forward...I'm really struggling, Jonah...really, really struggling.

Eric Church says it better than I can:

"Broken down and messed up
I never saw your leaving comin’ but
I sure felt it when ya left
Memory button stuck on repeat
Mind skippin’ like a record machine
Over and over that goodbye scene
Keeps spinnin’ in my head

It keeps haunting me
And there ain’t no maybe about it
The hurt keeps calling me
Come on out we got you surrounded"

Jonah, I get so mad and bitter...so mad that other people do not appreciate what they have...so bitter that everyone seems to have it all handed to them, and you were snatched from me...so mad that people act like my life should be back to "normal" now, and mad that other people do not treat me the same as they used to.

I have never experienced so many emotions at the same time, like I do these days. Anger, Bitterness, Sadness, Loneliness, etc....and then the craziest one of all: Joy. Joy that God trusted me with you for 26 weeks and 6 days. Joy that you were and are forever mine. My.Very.Own.Jonah...I am so amazed that you are mine :)...This is the hardest thing, Jonah...but you were are worth it all!

I love you, Jonah :)

A Lifetime Of Loss

When I was 14, my Mama and Daddy sat me and my two sisters down in our living room to tell us that my Daddy had a brain tumor. I could not have known just how much those words were going to change my life, but they did. My Daddy had a biopsy that ruled his tumor as cancerous, a stage 4 glioblastoma if I am correct. He underwent Chemo, radiation and tried several experimental drugs through Duke University. Eventually, my Daddy got tired of all of the medicines and the sickness that he felt because of them and decided to just live however much more time that he had, feeling as best as he could by not trying anymore experimental drugs. He could not use one side of his body and his speech was almost non-existent toward the end. On January 28, 2002, my Daddy died in our living room, with my Mama by his side.

My Daddy's battle with cancer and his death has shaped my life over the past ten years. I have known pain that most teenagers that I know do not. I saw face-to-face that death is always lurking in the shadows and it comes when we least expect it. I have had to walk down the 50 yard-line for Homecoming with my brother-in-law, instead of my Daddy. I had to walk down the aisle without him there as well. So many things that I always dreamed he would be a part of, he was not...at least not in the physical sense. And while all of this sucked at the time....I mean, really sucked...I knew that God was using my Daddy and my family to bring glory and honor to His Name. And that was comforting, even though the sadness and hurt were there, I was comforted.

Fast forward to January 28, 2012. I always anticipate this day. I always know that it is not going to be a great day. I will be sad and I will let myself think about everything that happened with my Daddy and my family. This was no different this year except for the anger. Looking back now, I feel like I must have known deep, deep down that my baby boy, my Jonah was not going to be okay. I had already spent the past several days trying to figure out why Jonah was not moving. I remember sitting in church that night, on January 28 and just being mad. I was mad thinking about how my Daddy and my Papa (another precious soul, gone too soon from me) would never get to see Jonah. I was mad that they would not be there to see my first child and to "ooo" and "aaahh" at him. I remember getting up to go to the bathroom during the music part of the service. The whole time walking there and back to my seat, I just had this anger swelling up inside of me. And then, the following day I would find out that Jonah's heart was not beating...and that a different kind of anger would not go away from me.

Since I lost Jonah, I have found a new kind of peace about my Daddy's death, and my Papa's for that matter. I don't long for them to be here anymore. Or is my longing for Jonah so strong that I cannot sense that longing for my Daddy and Papa? I am not sure but I am sure of this: despite the hurt and sadness of losing my Daddy, and losing him the way that I did, it does not even compare to this loss that I feel for my Jonah. Not that grief is meant to be compared, because it is not. Now, I will say this: I have felt anger towards my Daddy in losing Jonah. I am angry that he was so selfish as to take my baby up to Heaven with him...I mean he has pretty good company up there as it is, couldn't he quit hogging everybody :)!

This journey of loss is so much more different, though. In losing Jonah, I have lost who I ever was. My relationships - everyone of them - have changed, a few for the better but most of them for the worse. I have lost the body that I should have appreciated! I have lost my patience, my drive and my desire for so many things...I have lost so much more than I could ever put into words on a blog post. I am bitter and I am afraid that I always will be. I am mad and I'm afraid that will always stick around as well. This sadness that I feel, well we all know that it is definitely here to stay, too.

The difference for me, Daddy's death vs. Jonah's death, is that with Jonah's I can not see how God is or is going to use it. People will forget...I will not. People will wonder why the sadness in my eyes...I will know the reason, but they won't. So, I find myself wondering if this was a lesson in faith and in life that will only have lasting effects on me and Aaron...and maybe those close family members that let it? Couldn't He have taught me or gotten my attention in a different way? Am I that hard of hearing that He had to shout at me? Or am I just not supposed to be able to hold onto the men (or boys) that come into my life for long? If that is the case....I'm heading to get Aaron right now! If I hold him down, maybe he can stay for longer than I am allowed...just maybe.

Follows Me

It is strange to me how this sadness follows me. I feel like I have been doing better lately but that seems to always be short lived. We left this afternoon and headed to the beach and the farther from home we got, the stronger this ache seemed to get. It's like with each mile I realize that no matter how far I go, how long it has been the ache for Jonah just grows stronger. I am so sad tonight that Jonah is not here, with us. It is a painful realization several times a day, everyday...and I hate that. Missing you Jonah...again, that's nothing new...

My First Mother's Day Without You

I am a mother, of this I am sure. Jonah, I carried you for seven months and I loved you every minute. I took care of myself so that you would be the healthiest baby possible. I fed you colorful foods and strawberries, your favorite, every single day. I took you to the gym and on walks all the time. I thought about you every minute of the day, and I still do. I wanted everything to be perfect for you...I love you in ways I never knew that I would, Jonah. So, today as I sit at home and think of all the mothers who are quick to point out that I do not know what it is like to have a child and take care of him, I know they are wrong. I know that I was and am the best mother that I could ever dream of being. I love you sweet Jonah and I know that you have always known that and you always felt my love for you. And in case you are wondering, this little blessing is keeping me company today as I am missing you:

Your big sister, Ruby :)

Her precious puppy paws

I know that Ruby is a blessing that could only come from God, to help keep me company on the saddest and loneliest days without you here. And I think she does a pretty good job :).

I know you would have loved Ruby Doo and she would have loved you, too :). We are missing you today, Jonah...but that is nothing new.