It is crazy how it just creeps up on you. You can make it through a couple of hours or even a couple days and think that everything is going to be just fine, you will rise above, and then there it is...that knot in your stomach. It starts out there, you all of a sudden feel sick to your stomach as it gradually creeps up to your throat and swells into this enormous lump and you find yourself gasping for air. Then the tears come, the unexplainable tears...and it is all you can do to find a wall, the floor, the bed, anything to hold you up when the wailing begins.
This has been my morning...crying and watering flowers in my yard and then crying some more and then washing some clothes and then crying some more...and it goes on and on and on. I honestly think to myself sometimes that I will be able to make it in this life and I will be able to find some sort of semi-joy again but then the sadness, the loss, the ache just creeps up and reminds me that who am I kidding? My firstborn son was taken from me. I will never get to hold him again. I will never not ache for him, not tomorrow, not next month and not in the years to come. I will never understand why I did not deserve to be Jonah's mother, here on earth. I will never understand why I got to plan and consume myself with my Jonah for almost seven months, never to get to follow through with any of it.
I can't even explain half of the tears when they do creep up. For just no reason at all, I can't keep myself composed, I just have to let it out. I wonder what Jonah is thinking up there in Heaven as he looks down on me...she needs to be stronger...wow, she really did love me and want me more than I realized...will she ever be okay?...I'm really trying to get through this but it is much too much for me sometimes, sweet Jonah...much too much.
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