Six Weeks

So, it has been six weeks since I delivered my precious Jonah...six miserable weeks. I feel like I am making it through the days a lot better than I was at first but as soon as I think I am doing okay, I have a breakdown and it all comes crashing down. Since my last post, I have started my period for the first time since delivery, braved Wal-Mart in my hometown (!) and I have been to a specialist to discuss what happened to Jonah.



I went to a Maternal-Fetal Medicine Specialist, Dr. Willis, in Tallahassee on Tuesday. This trip to Tallahassee was awful...me and Aaron could not find the doctor's office so we fussed until we walked into the waiting room. Once we got in there, this pregnant lady and her husband were sitting across the room from us and I promise you that this lady stared me down the WHOLE time. I was seconds away from asking her what she was looking at when the nurse called my name. Me and Aaron followed the nurse to a room with a big, high-tech ultrasound machine. I sat down in a chair and the nurse said, "You can get on the table," as she started to put her latex gloves on. I asked her why and she proceeded to tell me that I was going to have an ultrasound. I kept asking her why and then I told her, "I'm not pregnant." She looked at my chart and said, "Oh, you're a non-pregnant consult" as if I didn't know that. Seriously, I didn't need her to remind me. So, by this time the strong woman I was determined to be for this doctor's appointment went into hiding somewhere deep inside of me. The nurse then took me and Aaron to Dr. Willis' office and closed the door. While we waited for the doctor, I just busted out crying telling Aaron, "So much for not crying through this whole thing!" as he grumbled about the nurse and how this was a "specialist's" office. Dr. Willis was very professional and thorough. He was really nice and decided to order a bunch of blood work (10 tubes of blood!) so that we can rule out some things. I went yesterday to LabCorp in Valdosta to have the blood drawn and we should hear back about all of it within two weeks. If the blood work does not show anything, then we are back where we started, with no answer. If the blood work does show something, hopefully we can treat whatever it is and I will never have to lose another baby in the future. I really want some answers because A.) I think I deserve that and B.) I need to know that this will not happen again before I even consider getting pregnant again.

I am really sad that my maternity leave is over after this week. I go back to work on Monday, March 19. I am SO dreading going back to the place that I used to go everyday. I would sit at my desk everyday, my mind consumed with thoughts of this little tiny baby boy that was going to change my whole life and I kept my hand on my stomach, almost as if I was trying to will Jonah to move so that I could feel this little creation of me and Aaron's. I would search Pinterest and Etsy all day long if I had nothing else to do, trying to find all sorts of things for Jonah....I can't do that anymore. I can't pass the time each day waiting for Jonah because he is not coming and I'm pretty sure everyone would start talking about me if I kept at it like nothing has happened to Jonah...the guys upstairs would probably run and tell my boss that I needed psychiatric help.

I just feel like the whole world should have stopped...I mean, my baby boy DIED before I could ever meet him! To go back to work and my old routine is going to feel like I am continuing on and that is absurd to me. My life kinda stopped the moment I was told that Jonah's heart was not beating....my heart stopped beating and I have no idea how on earth I am going to be able to fake-it.

Jonah, I had no idea how much you really were going to change my world....I can't stand the thought that you are gone from me my sweet baby boy. Oh, how I love you so!