Just Some Thoughts

I am not really sure how to make all of my thoughts flow in this post so I am just going to number off some of the things going through my head this week.

1. I started back to work this week and it was very hard. Come Wednesday morning, I had a royal breakdown in my boss' office. Now, I am not saying I just started crying in front of my boss. Oh no, and besides, she has seen that plenty of times so that is no big deal! I am talking sobbing-snot-dripping-out-of-my-nose-voice-cracking-crazy-person-about-to-lose-it-big-time breakdown! It was humiliating! Michelle (that's my boss) decided that it would probably be better and easier for me if I eased back into work. So, starting today, I will be working from 8am to 1pm for awhile, just until I feel like I can "rejoin the real world."

While I welcome the chance to go home and be alone with my thoughts and my grief and my sweet Ruby (that is my dog), I can't help but feel defeated...like I am admitting that I am not strong enough or capable enough to get through what used to be a normal day for me. That is what is so humiliating to me. But honestly, I cannot fake-it and pretend like I am just fine all day until I get home. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to do that but I am nowhere near that strong these days.

2. I hate that some people do not even know about what has happened to me. At work, one of the ladies in the warehouse told me she thought I had quit since she hadn't seen me in awhile. So, I had to tell her where I had been and do you think that I could tell her without crying? Absolutely not...Another girl, a girl I was in choir with in high school, ran into me on Tuesday and she asked me, "Isn't your sister pregnant?" to which I had to reply with the truth...it was me...I lost him...

Which leads me to my next number:

3. Being a twin adds a whole different element to my story. People that run into me see that I do not have a baby-bump, just the leftovers of one!, and they assume that it is Sarah, my twin sister who is pregnant. They then proceed to ask me about her and her pregnancy and I have to tell them it was me, not Sarah. Quite a few people have gone up to Sarah and hugged her and started crying, etc., thinking that Sarah is me and Sarah doesn't know what to say. Does she tell them they have the wrong one or does she just let them think she is me? I feel sorry for her because she gets some of the stares mean't for me...she gets a glimpse, be it ever so small, into this dark place I am in these days.

I just wish none of this had ever happened and I was still pregnant with my Jonah, anxiously awaiting May 4, the day I would finally get to meet my sweet, healthy baby boy. It just seems so unreal to me sometimes that this is really my life, filled with such sorrow.