Sorrow & Joy

"...the inability to separate the sorrow from the joy in life. I find that they are inextricably woven, never to be pulled fully from each other in this life." - Angie Smith, I Will Carry You

Today I have seen several friends, or aquaintances if you will, post pictures of their newborn babies on their Facebook pages. Today I have thought about how different my life would be this week, with a newborn baby at home. Today I have been bitter, bitter towards others, towards this life, towards this lot that I have been given...and I hate that. I want to be happy for these new little families as they welcome into the world healthy babies, I really want to. But my pain is still overwhelming me most of the time and I can not see past my questions. Are they really better at being parents than me and Aaron would have been? I mean, Aaron is home way more than these other daddies, who are so busy doing their favorite hobby to devote any time to their families at home. Why? Why me? Why us? Why couldn't we just have a normal life, void of such pain and suffering? I know that I will never have answers to these questions, at least not this side of Heaven. But that doesn't stop me from asking them.

I read Angie Smith's book, "I Will Carry You," the other day and if you have not read it, I HIGHLY recommend it! Even if you have never lost a child. One of the things I highlighted as I read was the quote at the top of this post. Angie Smith nailed it on the head. In this life, sorrow and joy are so woven together, you can't have one without the other. I am filled with so much sorrow over not having my Jonah here with me. It hurts me so much to be apart from him. Yet, I have so much joy in knowing that he was is my child and that God trusted me with him for the little bit of time that He did. I cannot begin to tell you the joy I will feel one day when I find out that I am pregnant again or when I have a living, breathing child here with me. But, I know that the joy I will feel will only be possible because of the deep sorrow I have felt and still feel and will always feel.

It is awful to me to think that there can be no joy without sorrow in this life. But at the same time, just the thought of this is beautiful. Afterall, I guess the whole reason we are where we are is because of the joy and sorrow that surrounded the death of Christ...so it makes sense that life would be made up of things that can point us only to Him. That is not to say that it is fine with me or that I am not still pitching a fit at God...begging Him to please let me wake up from this! But I know this is not in vain...even though it hurts so much and it is something I would never have volunteered for...this is not in vain.

Can I just say that I am so broken? Broken like I have never been before. Broken into so many pieces that I know I can never be put back together again, at least not in the same way that I was before. I ache so deep inside that I never knew pain could go that deep.

But this is not in vain....I have to keep telling myself this....
Jonah was not in vain...not his life and surely not his death...

As always, I'm missing you sweet Jonah, so much...