I'm Not Who I Was

I have been having a rough couple of days...rougher than what has become my normal. I went to church for the second Sunday in a row and I think today was harder than last Sunday. All through church I was arguing with God...I was telling Him, in my mind, just how mad I am at Him. I am mad that He thought that my child, my one and only child, would be better off anywhere else but in my arms. I am mad that God let me carry my precious Jonah for almost seven months, making me think that he was mine when in truth, I would never really get to have him. I am mad that God let me experience this with my first and only pregnancy, making any future pregnancy that I may ever have a time of absolute fear. I am mad that He chose me and Aaron to bear this cross that NO ONE should ever have to bear...absolutely no one. I am mad that for the rest of my life, this cloud of sadness will follow me from room to room and place to place. I am mad that no matter what happiness life brings my way, every moment will be bittersweet because Jonah is not here. I am mad that I am forced now to live with this gaping wound that won't heal while others look at me as if I need to move on and get over it. I am mad that I feel so alone because no one (besides someone who has experienced a loss such as this) knows how I feel. I am mad that there will come a day when people will look at me and think that I am okay and that the pain has stopped when in reality, it will hurt all the more just because with each passing day I feel it get stronger and stronger. I am mad because I am no longer who I was before all of this and I never will be that girl again. I am mad in more ways than I can type out at God because He knew this would happen all along...He knew that everything that has happened in my life has led me to the day that I lost Jonah.

At the same time, I know God has a purpose and I know God has a plan even though I can't possibly see it right now. I know that Jonah is in Heaven, a perfect place. I know that God will use me and Aaron and this horrible, horrible tragedy that is our lives if we will let Him. I know all of this stuff all too well...BUT, that doesn't make the hurt go away, that doesn't make me miss Jonah any less, that doesn't make me okay with what happened, that doesn't dry my tears, that doesn't make this permanent ache that I feel go away at all and that doesn't make me wanna leave my house and face the stares and the meaningless words that people will offer, thinking they can somehow make this better.

So, by the end of church, I was feeling like I was not the strong Christian woman that I have always thought myself to be. I have never been naive enough to think that just because I am a Christian, troubles will not come my way. But I honestly never thought in a million years that when Jesus said I would have to give up everything to follow Him, He would mean that I would have to live without my child...my heart. It floors me to think that He would even have that in the cards for me...

After church was over, a close friend of mine came up to me and gave me a folded up note and told me to read it but that he wanted it back. When I got in the car I opened it up. It was a letter I had written to him when I was 18 years old and his brother had died. In the note I wrote out the verses of Joshua 4:5-7. These verses are about the stones from the Jordan being a memorial to the people of Israel and what God had done for these people. I then wrote this to my friend:

"God is always faithful and He always keeps His promises, no matter what your Jordan River looks like. God promises that He will not only part the waters for you, He will walk through it with you."

I think this was God's response to our conversation during church. Yes, God saw this coming from 100 miles away and yes, God is letting me feel this pain that goes all the way to the core of my being and yes, the answers to what happened seem to elude me but God has promised me that He will be with me. He will hold me while I cry all the time...He will take care of Jonah until that sweet day when I get to hold my baby boy and feel breath in his chest...me and Aaron don't have to go through this alone because God is hurting with us. So, God understands my frustrations and He understands that I am mad at Him at the very same time that I am seeking comfort from Him...and He understands that I will NEVER understand and I will NEVER be able to shake Jonah and my experience with him from my thoughts as long as I live...and that does not make me any less of a Christian.

I miss you so, sweet Jonah...more than you could possibly know...