February 1, 2012

On Tuesday, January 31, me and Aaron arrived at Archbold Medical Center in Thomasville at 7:50am, 20 minutes late. We are late for everything, so why not on one of the worst days of our lives, too? We went to registration where, fyi: the people checking you in know nothing about your story. The lady that was getting me registered asked me if this was my first child and I said yes, as tears started to well up in my eyes and stream down my face. She assured me that there was nothing to worry about and she kept on until Aaron had to tell her the awful truth that surrounded why I was checking in to be induced that day. I knew that she didn't know but it still hurt...They loaded me into a wheel chair and took me to Labor and Delivery, with Aaron walking behind us the whole way. I fought back tears that whole ride and I remember thinking that none of these people that I was passing knew why I was there, none of them knew that I was being shuffled off to give birth to my son whose heart was no longer beating, none of these people knew that in a couple days I would be burying my baby.

Dr. Bruhn came in and did one more ultrasound, at my request, just to make sure that nothing had changed...and much to my dismay, nothing had changed. My nurse was a lady named Laura and she was so nice. I got into my hospital gown, with Aaron's help, and once I got in the bed, Laura came and put my IV in. I don't know why but I thought that everything would go smoothly, seeing as how my child was taken away from me, but I was wrong. It took Laura three tries to get the IV started, but it was not her fault. I had not eaten since 5:30pm the day before and even though my veins were very visible, it took three times. Once we got everything situated, Dr. Bruhn came in at 9am to give me four Cytotec (sp?) vaginally....and yeah, you read that right...extremely uncomfortable is all I will say. The Cytotec was what was going to induce my labor. So then we just waited. Me and Aaron's whole families were there all day, coming in and out of the room and the waiting room area to check on us and show their love and concern. My back started to hurt and I was cramping and just uncomfortable. At 3pm Dr. Bruhn checked me and I was only 1cm. dilated. So, she gave me some more Cytotec vaginally. She also said I could have some Stadall (sp?) to help with some of the pain. After reassuring me that it would wear off after a couple of hours, I decided that I wanted some. I just did not want to miss a thing, especially since I would only have so much time to hold and see Jonah, as opposed to the rest of his life. At 9pm, Dr. Bruhn checked me and I was around 2cm. dilated, but I was hurting pretty bad. They told me that I could get my epidural and it would probably help to relax me and speed things up so I agreed that it was time for that. Dr. Beason came up and did the epidural. Aaron let me squeeze his hands as hard as I could the whole time, and he was the absolute best partner ever to have while getting an epidural. My nurse Laura came and said goodbye and introduced us to our new nurse for the night, Heather. Then we waited some more...Dr. Bruhn came in and checked me around 3am, I was still 2cm. and she gave me some more Cytotec vaginally. I remember falling asleep and waking up around 5am or so. I was sweating and burning up and I was so uncomfortable. My right side and right side of my back was hurting so bad. I felt like I was going to be sick and Aaron moved the trashcan near to the side of the bed for me, but I hadn't ate in awhile so it was just me, dry-heaving. I got Aaron to call the nurse because I told him that I needed Dr. Bruhn, that I just could not do this anymore. The nurse kind of acted like I was just a put-on and after gathering all of the trash in the room (!) she decided she would go call Dr. Bruhn. Dr. Bruhn came in around 5:40am and checked me and I was 10cm. dilated! She looked at me and said she needed me to push. I was so shocked and scared that the moment was finally here.

Jonah was breech and we knew that from the beginning. I didn't have to push for too long and once I knew Jonah was out, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. Babies were supposed to be crying once they entered the world, but in our room there was no sound at all. I was so scared of what he might look like and I was so completely crushed that my baby boy was gone. The nurse got Jonah bundled up in a blanket and handed him to me and Aaron. We held him and we just cried. Jonah was born at 5:54am on February 1, 2012. We told Dr. Bruhn to please tell our families in the waiting area that we had him but we did not want them to remember him that way so we did not want anyone to come into our room. Jonah was perfectly formed and 2lbs exactly and 15 inches long. He had dark hair and his eyes were just beginning to not be fused-shut. But, because I have a small pelvic area, it was difficult for me to have him and because his skin was very delicate, he did not have much skin at all on most of his body, except for his perfect little head, arms and feet. While I was still holding him, the door to our room opened and my Mama and my older sister, Erin walked in. I told them we did not want anyone to see Jonah and I went all hysterical on them until they left the room. I somehow got myself together and called my Mama and told her they could come back, I was sorry. Apparently, they were not in the waiting area so Dr. Bruhn did not tell them not to come in to our room and our nurse did not stop them either. My Mama, Erin, my sister Sarah and her husband Clint, Aaron's parents and his sister Ashley and my Aunt Debbie were the only ones to see Jonah. Our nurse now was Michelle, and she took Jonah and took some pictures of him for us and she made footprints and handprints for us and looking back, I am so glad that she did all of that.

Well, like I said, I thought everything would go smoothly but I was wrong. The placenta did not want to come out so Dr. Bruhn said she would come back in an hour and try to get it out again. Over the next several hours, Dr. Bruhn tried as well as Dr. McCollum, several times. They eventually gave me some Cytotec orally to see if it would help the placenta to come out on its own, but that did not work. They finally decided to take me to surgery and do a D&C to remove the placenta. I still remember the look on Aaron's face when they took me to the elevator and he could go no further. He looked so scared because he was so worried about me and he was so mad about everything I had had to go through so far. After I woke up from the surgery, they took me to the third floor of the hospital, not OB. They say it is cruel to keep you on the same floor as all of these other moms and dads that are happy and welcoming their new healthy babies into the world so that is why they put you on a different floor. But, part of me thinks they do it because they don't want those happy moms and dads to see the harsh reality that not all pregnancies and births end happily, and they don't want to dampen those new parents' enthusiasm. That's just me, though...

They finally released me from the hospital on Thursday, February 2, around 2pm. When we left the hospital, me and Aaron stopped by Belk to see if we could find anything to wear to Jonah's funeral and then we headed to Moultrie to the funeral home to make all of the arrangements. At Cobb, the funeral home, we decided on a graveside funeral, for anyone that wanted to attend, and we decided on the order of the service. Next we went to pick out a plot for our sweet baby boy....the most awful thing a parent should ever have to do...decide where to bury their child. Then, we went to Flowers By Barrett, and spoke with the florist about what we wanted for Jonah's funeral. We went home and some friends and family stopped by until it was time for bed. Me and Aaron asked that people please give us space that Friday, so we could just rest and be alone with each other. The funeral was that Saturday, February 4 at 11am. And, it was really beautiful...as much as a funeral can be, especially that of a child. And we went home, empty-handed because our Jonah was in a coffin, never to be held by us again.